I have recently located an address for my ex husband. We have been divorced for 12 years and have a 13 year old daughter that he has not seen since she was 6 months old. There is no existing child support order because I have never wanted his money. I'm sure he believes that he owes 13 years of child support and that is why he has never tried to contact me. Our daughter is starting to ask a lot of questions that I can't answer and I believe she has the right to know him.
He was only 18 when we married and I have no idea what kind of person he has grown into. I'm terrified of my daughter getting hurt.
2007-09-23 11:39:46 · 20 answers · asked by jo.rogers72 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
send him a letter, explaining that his daughter is asking about him...
if he responds positively, then alls good...
if he responds negatively or not at all, then you know the truth and the sooner she realises he isn't interested, then better it is for her... :D
2007-09-23 11:45:07 · answer #1 · answered by ? 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
As a daughter of much the same situation... I can say she is already being hurt by not knowing him. It is good that you are thinking of helping her to answer many questions about him - even if she finds out that he is "not a good father" now.. it will help her to understand him more. I went on my own quest to find my father at 13, and I found him. We spoke by phone a few times and then I couldn't find him again for years. It helped me to have been the one to talk to him and to be let down by him... then I understood who he was like I never would have without that...
On a better note, when I was 19, he was injured in a serious accident which left him paralyzed from the neck down.. I was the only person he had and the hospital called me. At first, I would sit by his bed and chatter away because I knew he had no choice - for once he couldn't leave.. over time, we built a relationship and now, he cries and says how very sorry he is for lost time.
Don't worry about her getting hurt again - each day of not knowing "him" is hurting... Thanks for being such a good mom and caring so much!!! Yes, contact him and see what happens.. good luck!
I'm sure plenty of people will say to just let it go or that he doesn't deserve her - but I think unless you have been that child, you don't understand...
2007-09-23 18:47:34 · answer #2 · answered by Wildflower 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hello I felt compelled to answer your question cause I grew up in a situation just like this. My mother did not say a word to me about it. I knew not to ask questions cause it would make her angry. But you are more gracious than that. First of all, she is already hurting and its not your fault. She will see that later on even if it takes until she becomes an adult. It will take a long time. Try to be as truthful as you can without blaming anyone. When you answer her. You could give her his contact info and let her contact him. There is always a chance that he will reject her and of course you'll be there. Or you could contact him yourself and if he still rejects her she might hurt so bad that she could blame you. Kids do this it's not you. Either way you go she is hurting and it might hurt even more but I know that you'll continue to be a good mom and be there for her when she gets disappointed.
He probably didn't grow to be much of a man if he wouldn't even try to have a relationship with his little girl. My dad was like that.
My heart goes out to the both of you good luck. I hope that I am wrong about him.
2007-09-23 20:55:31 · answer #3 · answered by annetm2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If I were you, I would contact him and let him know his daughter is asking questions about him. Reassure him you are not chasing him for money so that is not a barrier.
If he reacts positively, perhaps you could meet up with him and check him out to see what sort of person he has become. The fact that you have some concerns about this indicates to me there were some things about him when he was younger that make you cautious about who he is now.
Your daughter has a right to know about her father, and also the right to know if he has chosen not to meet her now.
2007-09-23 18:52:22 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well its a decision only u can make.. my oppinion is if u think u need to contact him, then YOU write him a letter, explain the situation, let him know u want nothing from him but that his daughter would like to have a relationship with him.. send him a picture of her.. and mail it.. if he writes u back, then great, if not u know where ur daughter stands with him.. and u can make excuses of "not knowing where he is " etc.. to keep her from being hurt.. instead of her knowing her father still doesnt want her..
2007-09-23 19:13:09 · answer #5 · answered by brwneyedgrl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Contact him, and you meet him first to screen him.
Ask him if he is interested in seeing his child?
He may not be, if not answer your daughters questions honestly but do not be mean. You would not want to ruin any future relationships she might have with her father.
If he is interested in seeing her and starting a relationship that is great.
But the best thing is to let the child makeup her mind about her father on her own without your opinions of your past relationship with him coloring the picture.
Children can be very astute.
2007-09-23 18:50:12 · answer #6 · answered by Seeking 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The old expression "Let sleeping dogs lie." applies here. Your daughter is better off not knowing a man that's enough of a low life that he'd forget about his child, just to save money. It's waaaaay too late for him to have father daughter relationship, thirteen years too late.
2007-09-23 19:03:37 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should go to a counselor and bring your daughter to counseling as well. You can get help with dealing with her questions. I wouldn't contact someone you dont' even know and doesn't want to be involved. The potential rejection will be much more devastating than any explanation you can give her for why he's not around.
2007-09-23 18:54:18 · answer #8 · answered by abrennan01 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't make contact, but if you do, don't let your daughter know. She'll only get hurt. He obviously wants nothing to do with her or you. If your daughter needs answers, talk to a professional. Has she never asked about him in 13 yrs?
2007-09-23 18:48:54 · answer #9 · answered by justcurious 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the daughter wants to know her bio-dad, don't fight it. She's in a rebellious stage, and if you fight it, she'll idolize him and it will have been pointless. Yes, she might be and probably will be hurt. After all, the guy has shown no interest in the last dozen years. But that's the risk your daughter wants to take, so don't stop her. If she is hurt, then at least she will know the truth.
2007-09-23 18:53:24 · answer #10 · answered by John B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Write him a letter, and explain all of this just as you have to us. Make it clear that you are doing this for your daughter only and have no wish to harm, nag, or otherwise mess up any life that he has set up (this needs to be said for his wifes sake....if there is one) Let him know that you think he has the right to met her and love her as you do, if that is his wish, and that at the very least it is your desire to allow her to meet her father. And make it clear that if you wanted his money you would have found him alot sooner.
2007-09-23 18:52:13 · answer #11 · answered by Brandi 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋