I wrote a short story for my english calss, here's the first paragrapgh...please tell me?

Question

if its good enough for you to want to keep on reading...i have the rest, and ill post if you'd like just let me know...thanks...and this is the first time ive ever written anything creative so dont be too harsh...lol

The fountain of youth is such a thing that causes joviality in any man, let alone a pirate. Captain Butch, the epitome of a man obsessed with finding such a treasure, was bemused, wondering how he could find the Flue of Death, the passageway that led to the Island of Life, on which the fountain of youth was located. As Captain Butch was lost in thought, an old man boarded his ship, and was immediately surrounded by the crew, without having to be conjured by their captain. Captain Butch drew his sword, as he stared at the man. The man, seemingly finding something humorous about the situation, said “Foolish men, I come to aid you in your quest, and you threaten me?” “What quest do you speak of old man?”, said Captain Butcher, confused.

i cant add the entire paragraph cause its too long...

The man said, “What else? The sole object of your desire, the Fountain of Youth!” Captain Butch had little faith in the man, and said “Ha! Why would you tell me the whereabouts of such a precious item and not retrieve it yourself? All men know that only a single person can drink from the fountain of youth, and obtain its benefits! Why would you give up such a valuable secret?” The man, finally introducing himself as Canker, went on to tell Captain Butch of the whereabouts of the Flue of Death. Whoever was able to pass the Flue of Death, would reach the Island of Life. The Fountain of Youth was hidden amongst the many glades of the beautiful island. Searching through the many open spaces of forest would be a hard task to complete, but Canker had heard of a clue as to which glade held the Fountain of Youth. The clue was , “Follow the trail left by nature, and you will find what you seek”. Captain Butch became engrossed with his thoughts of this revelation, and how he was now closer than

than ever to reaching his dream, his obsession. Canker interrupted this jaunt when he said, “And to answer your previous question, I must pass this knowledge onto another unlike myself because I have neither the skillful crew nor the navigational skill that you possess. But I do have one request in return for my favor; that you bring me along so that I can experience the beauty of the Island of Life, that is, if you’re able to succeed.

sorry for the mess...the paragrapgh starts with the main question and continues with the additional details...please tell me if you'd like to read the next paragrapgh

thanks dave...i wasnt sure whether to call him butch or butcher...but since canker had an -er at the end of his name i decided to call the captain just butch...i guess i forgot to change that one from butcher to butch!

thanks persiphone_hellecat and pokadots...to hellacat, part of the assignment was to use words that we dont normally use, in hopes that it would better our vocab for the SAT's...and i think that those words actually fit better with the story that using something such as "happy" or "confused"..but thank you guys for your opinions!

thanks vishor! thanks an exccellent tip...i hadnt even thought of that...ill be sure to do so in any upcoming assignments!

PARAGRAPH # 2

Captain Butch had yet to see a flaw in what this wise man had said, so he agreed and began to ready supplies for himself and his crew. The journey to the Flue of death was a long and treacherous one, but what lay ahead was much worse. As the days went on, the Captain had wondered whether his decision to trust this man was the right one. Even the crew became aggravated, making plans to overthrow Canker, and even Captain Butcher if necessary! This all changed though, when through the heavy fog, all aboard this ship could see a slight crack in the wall of an enormous mountain. Canker pointed it out, and said “Look my fellow crew mates! I told you my story was of truth, not fib! Although we have reached the Flue of Death, it is now in your hands to voyage through it safely. I have done my part, now I hope you will succeed in doing yours.”

PARAGRAPGH # 2 (CONTINUED)

Captain Butch looked at his crew, he stared at them long and hard and asked with authority, “I will not force any of you to join me in this journey. There is no guarantee any of us will make it out of this alive, but I do promise you my life if I must to save yours.” Upon hearing this, even the most cowardly of the crew stood up straight, and in union said “AY CAPTAIN! YE LEAD, WE FOLLOW!” As the ship sailed into the narrow valley, it seemed as though it was sailing into pure blackness. The blackness of death.

potc...thanks for the feedback...the only similarities to pirates of the carribean was that the story involves pirates...and at the end of the third one jack is looking for the fountain of youth not barbosa...i believe...lol

Answer 1

Sorry but I have to tell you that what I see is someone trying to write like they think an author should sound. Joviality, epitome, bemused, conjured. If I asked you how many times in the past year you have actually spoken the word joviality, I am almost positive the answer would be NONE.

The key to writing is to develop your own voice. This is not it. If I asked you (as I frequently ask creative writing students to do) to sit down in front of me and TELL me this story, it would NOT have the words joviality and bemused in it.

Try telling the story to a tape recorder aloud. Listen to your own voice - your style. Then write it that way. It will come out a thousand percent better if you aren't trying to imitate someone else's style. I have coined a term for young writers trying to copy a writing style. I call it JKRowlingitis. You will do much better keeping the story simple and sounding like yourself.

Also, you have to change paragraphs every time there is a new speaker, OK?

Hope that helps. Find yourself as a writer - not someone else. Pax - C

Answer 2

It's not bad! I got interested when "an old man boarded the ship". It did seem that you were going a little too fast with what was happening and you won't bore us with a few more details in between. Also you called him Captain Butcher at the end, and Butch in the beginning. You might want to change that.

Answer 3

Sounds like an interesting story. I agree with the previous contributors though that the story is too fast and the complex vocabulary is unnecessary.

If you dropped the fancy words and instead went into a description of what the men looked liked, what their surroundings looked like. Paint a picture for us so that we can truly immerse ourselves into the story and you'll be on your way to success!

Best of luck!

Answer 4

idk, it sounded as if you watched POTC3 and started writing about the ending! Capatin Barbossa starts looking for the fountain of youth at the end of the movie. ( so you see , both pirates and both with the same letter in their first name, " B ".
It also sounded like you were going to fast. But, I was interested as soon as I read the first sentance but I didn'/t like it after that.

Answer 5

I thinks It pretty good. I like it