Ok i am extremly frustrated with my husband..?

Question

We have been married 14 years, and like all couples we have had our problems. He has never been the "romantic type" but for the last few years he has been extremely withdrawn. He doesn't do much for me. Never pays attention to me, is always busy doing other things, like watching tv and EBAY! He isnt very sympathetic to me at all. If i am hurt physically or emotionally. I have tried everything i can think of. We have talked about this several times, and he is better for about a week then back to doing nothing.He says he loves me and cares, but why dont i feel like he does? Im just at my wits end. I love him more than anything and have tried so hard to make him feel loved.

Answer 1

It seems that you are asking for emotional attention from your husband that he isn't willing to give. With all relationships I think this means you need to be more comfortable with your own independence.

I know that's not what you want to hear but hear me out:

Right now because you're asking for this attention, even though it's not necessarily true, your husband is interpreting this as "overload: too much couple time". So that's why he's choosing to withdraw. He's also convinced himself that what you are seeking from him is "too much" and he wants to be left alone.

What I would do is seek counseling to see if maybe you've developed co-dependency. If you have, you can find solutions to become more independent. Also, engage yourself in activities that you enjoy and don't need anyone with you in order to enjoy them.

I think this is something everyone experiences after a while regardless of whether or not you are married. I once had co-dependency on friends and felt that in order to enjoy myself and feel fulfilled, I needed to be around people and get attention from them. That's unfortunately what is called clingy.

Once you start to engage yourself your own self-esteem will build up and it won't bother you that your husband chooses to sit and watch tv. In fact, after time, he'll notice and ask you. That's when you can say "well I've been doing this activity for how long, but seeing you're more interesting in watching tv, I figured you didn't care." Chances are he'll try to contradict but hold your ground. He needs to see what it's like to be ignored and left alone.

Another thing I wouldd suggest is not giving more than you get. I know that sounds bad, but every relationship is built on a two-way street and if one person doesn't honor that, there is nothing to say that the other needs to continue honoring it themselves. Just go about everyday if it was a normal day. Don't do anything special or bend over backwards for him, and he'll notice. It's kinda the same thing with how wives complain to their husbands about how they never pick up after themselves and they complain to their husbands, but they never do it until the wives start leaving a pile of dirty socks or shirts pile up.

Or, you can confide in someone else. I'm not saying be emotionally unfaithful, but if you have a problem or just need emotional support, talk to a friend and simply say "he isn't available". Hopefully your friend will understand and after time, your husband will realize his mistake.

I also don't think that this behavior is "normal" for a man and I don't believe the whole men want respect more than love. Both people in a marriage need respect and love. If your husband didn't want your love, why did he marry you? I think if you focus on why you two "are so different" more than how you two can be on the same wavelength, your marriage will just fall apart.

I think you should try making changes independent of a marriage counselor before seeking one, this way you have exhausted all options.

Answer 2

Aww, your question depicts the age old differences between men and women!

John Gray, Ph.D in his book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, addresses each and every one of your concerns in his book. You will find it easy to read and very easy to practice.

The fact is is that men and women are very different. It isn't that your husband doesn't want you to feel loved and supported, it is just that he doesn know how. Communication is often an issue in realtionships and it sounds like the ways you have tried communicating with him in the past have not worked for you or gotten you what you want? John Gray can teach you a way to ask for and get what you want need.

Remember, you aren't right and he is wrong, or visa versa. We are just different.

Your husbands behavior is NORMAL for a martian, as are your feelings of being ignored and feeling rejected by him. REALLY, it isn't that he doesn't love you and YOU can find the answers that will make a huge difference in your understanding of each other and this will deepen your bond and return you to love.

Before you do anything else, check out ( RUN don't Walk to your computer and go to: www.marsvenus.com. From there go to the links on the left and select, Internet/Radio and watch some of the videos there. Or buy the book. It will be the best time and/or money you ever spent. John Gray's material changed my life and my relationships with men. Today, I am a Mars/Venus relationship coach and I see first hand how this material is relevant and practical and WORKS.

You love your husband. He loves you. You just don't understand one another. You can change that.

Best of luck to you and yours.

Answer 3

You deserve to be happy. Just because you've been married for 14 years does not mean you don't want love anymore. You have to tell him that. If he doesn't hear you, then try getting a third party involved, like a counselor. If that doesn't work for long term, then you have to be honest with yourself about what it is you want out of life. And if he fits in that picture. I know that when couples have been together for such a long time, it's hard for them to leave the comfort of their home in search for something better. But the reality is just because you're married, doesn't mean life stops. It's your right to be happy and loved through and through. If he can't give you than, then try another door.

Answer 4

start by not being home when he gets home and looking for dinner. You need to stop doing things for him. I have been in that situation before. You complain about it and they are ok for a week or two and then back to the same thing again. I stopped doing things that my husband loved me to do. I got his attention. When he starts in again. I make his fix dinner for the entire family. Picky kids and all.

Also get some counseling if this doesn't work.

Answer 5

I say just be straight up and tell him. I told my husband when we first got married and ever since then we have had wonderful sex where I almost always climax. He didn't take it as an insult but more like a challenge. Just let him know I'm having trouble climaxing during sex. Hopefully he will be like my husband and go out of his way to make sure you climax.

Answer 6

He knows you love him but doesnt feel respected. Men want respect more than love. I'm not gonna go into detail like the lady above but I will tell you the love and respect book and cracking the communication code book make so much sense and the girl above is right we have different needs from our husbands so check out the website see if you like what you see and maybe buy the books. www.loveandrespect.com

Answer 7

I feel you. I have been married 5 years with 3 kids and sports are my husbands thing. The sex life is non existant and it is not me. He comes home eats then sits in the bedroom watching sports ALL NIGHT LONG. Then he can't get up and I am left to manage 3 kids and get myself dresses ready and out the door. Our house is a mess and somehow it is all my fault.

Answer 8

This may seem harsh and I'm sure I will get some thumbs down, but you seem desperate and that calls for drastic measures. Pack your bags and when he comes home start carrying them to the car, he will freak and ask "what's up" tell him you are fed up with eBay being more important than you. He will grovel and let him do it for a while then tell him he is on notice. Good luck.

Answer 9

I am sorry but some people...both men and women get so complacent in their lives that they forget to make their partners feel special and loved. He probably just takes you for granted and feels that you know that he loves you without putting any effort into making you FEEL loved. Have you tried telling him or suggesting to him small ways to make you feel loved? You can also try leading by example.....do small things for him...to show him that you still care and love him....perhaps he will realize then just how much he has taken you for granted and will change his ways.

Answer 10

Love is always worth fighting for, but only if it's WILLING to be fought for. 14 years is a very long time. It looks like he just got comfortable in your marriage. If he doesn't come around soon, counseling may be an option. He needs to learn that he can only be the king of his castle if he shows you that YOU are his queen......NOT EBAY.....