I broke up today. I realized that my current situation was not going to change. He couldn't honestly say that he loved me[after 4 years]. He said he "cared". I feel terrible. I had something like an addiction to him. I loved him very deeply ,but he can not even commit to spending more than a day or two with me at a time. He asked why I couldn't leave things as they were. A little support or honesty please! Any suggestions on dealing with the pain. I don't want to be the weekend girlfriend, but I feel I made a terrible mistake.
2007-09-23 10:21:40 · 20 answers · asked by Merrie S 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
After 4 years you were right to expect more than him "caring". If he can't commit now, he never will. He likes things the way they are because it suits him and to heck with what suits you. You have done the right thing.
How to deal with the pain? Take it one day at a time: every morning, give yourself a pep talk and tell yourself you are one day closer to getting over him. Set yourself a goal that is achievable: a holiday, that dress you really want, a class you would like to take. Everytime you start to think of him, change your thought over to that goal.
Your friends are invaluable right now, but don't spend all your time weeping and wailing when you are with them. Do things with them, like going to a movie or dinner. If you don't have a lot of friends (some of us are too busy to make many) make some on the internet or join a leisure group of some kind. (I used a reading group and actually volunteered to visit elderly people. It worked for me.)
You deserve better than this. And if you are tempted to go back, just remember: if you keep doing what you have always done, you will keep getting what you have always got.
Good luck and focus on healing.
2007-09-23 12:24:12 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You didn't make a mistake at all! He wasn't giving you what you need and you deserve to have all of your emotional needs met. After 4 years of 'I care about you', he's obviously uncomfortable with intimacy or commitment and that's not likely to change. Move on with your life and find someone who is a better match for you.
As for the pain, maybe see a therapist, keep yourself busy, get back in touch with long lost friends or classmates. Especially keep busy during the times you would normally be with him. You could also try to date casually again in a few weeks or months.
You'll get through it okay, just don't let him make you keep things the way they are. If I had a boyfriend who hadn't said I love you after a year I would dump him - you made the right choice.
2007-09-23 12:11:43 · answer #2 · answered by abrennan01 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
After 4 years something like that is really going to hurt, I'm sorry. He should love you and if he doesn't then you have your every right to move on. I don't think I could spend that much time loving someone knowing I was their weekend fun. What does he do when you aren't with him? You deserve to be with someone who, after 4 years, can say I love you. This pain sucks but it will eventually go away and the happiness that another brings you will make it all worth while.
2007-09-23 10:27:46 · answer #3 · answered by Froggy 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You didn't make a mistake by breaking up with him, but now you are feeling afraid and doubting what you did. I heard once that our first response is usually the truest; any feelings you have after that are based on fear. You obviously aren't getting what you want out of the relationship and because of that, it shouldn't continue. He will either miss you so much that he will want to commit to more (doubtful) or he will let you go. Either way you have an answer. Good luck and stay strong.
2007-09-23 11:19:18 · answer #4 · answered by mab5096 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think that you made a mistake. Four years is a long time. How could he not love you by now, we'll he probably never will. He is not meeting your emotional needs. I think it was a wise move for you to move on, to spare yourself a deeper attachment, to someone who doesn't feel the same. If he did really love you, he wouldn't let you go so easily and he would tell you. You are doing the right thing. Listen to your instinct it will never lead you wrong. Don't waste anymore of your time in a dead end relationship, there is someone out there worthy of your love. Good luck
2007-09-23 10:31:46 · answer #5 · answered by mimi 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Having been through a divorce, I know how you feel. My ex was not supportive, self centered and when I needed him the most, he couldn't do it. I was devastated by the marriage break up inspite of knowing he wasn't good for me and our child. Get busy with your life and do things. You will find in time how empowered you are in not being in an unhealthy relationship. You'll have more self respect in terms on not settling for a loser and eventually will meet someone far better. Read the book "he's just not that into you", it's humorous but oh so true. You will be saying to yourself "mistake?? it's the best thing I could have done"
good luck, surround yourself with good friends.
2007-09-23 10:29:07 · answer #6 · answered by inkster7 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If after four years of sharing yourself with this man and all he could/would offer in return is "I care for you" all you have lost is a friend (with benefits). He wasn't prepared to be anything more. And while you were tied to him, you couldn't look for anything more.
You did the right thing. If he wasn't prepared to offer you what you need - love and commitment - then you needed to set yourself free.
Loosing something that you have had for four years is going to hurt, even if it wasn't right for you. Its like having a cancer removed. It hurts worse right now, perhaps even more than having it, but with time the pain and the scar will heal, and you will be better for it.
Let yourself have the time to grieve, the time to heal, and then when you are ready, let yourself be out there and open to finding something and someone a whole lot closer to what you are looking for.
2007-09-23 10:35:14 · answer #7 · answered by Barb Outhere 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If he isn't ready to commit to you after four years he never will. Just because you love someone doesn't mean your supposed to be with them. I think you did the right thing. Get out there and find a man that will love you the way you want to be loved. Four years is a good amount of time, don't waste anymore on him, you know you deserve better. The pain will pass. Go out with your girls have a good time! Love will make it better!
2007-09-23 10:28:41 · answer #8 · answered by smart chic 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You sound like your ready to move to a relationship not a weeknd F@@@@ buddy. that is not a relationship. and you was in that for 4 years wow that is crazy but hey its your life. if he cant say he loves you or wants more time with you then i truely dont beleive your the only one he see's. you want someone that will love you full time be there for you full time and both wanting the same out of the relationship. you deserver that much . you will get over the pain and i do beleive your stronger than you think. you can move on let others know your single but want to take it slow to get over the pain. you will be surprised at how many will be there if you really open to it. good luck and smart move respect yourself know you deserve more..
2007-09-23 11:21:58 · answer #9 · answered by tweettreat 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You did the right thing,i know it wasn't easy either. I have been in the same kind of relationship and i stayed for three years,even after every one told me to dump him. He only wanted to be with me once every two weeks or so,said he had to work all the time.you know deep down inside your self that's not what you want. Trust me Mr right will come along and he will be nothing but a bad memory. You are better off ending it now,because later on it would be even harder for you when he found someone else.He cant tell you how he really feels because he doe sent know who he is or what he wants out of the rest of his life.Good luck.
2007-09-23 10:44:56 · answer #10 · answered by sexyblue2005 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋