Should I cheat on my wife?

Question

I am very happily married to a my wonderful wife of 20 years. The problem is we never, I mean never have sex. We are very much in love and except for this are very happy. We have have concluded is most likely a hormone issue, we are 47 and 55. She is not willing to have her doctor see her. I think this is due to shyness regarding sex and since she is not missing sex, it is unimportant and not a problem. I don't think she is cheating. We have discussed my needs and how important it is to me, how I am hurting, how tense and frustrated I get. I have also told her several times how much it hurts me on an emotional level, (why isn't she willing to at least go to her female doctor). I have also told her that at times I question if she truly loves me. I have an extremely high sex drive. Even when we first starting dating and having sex 7, 9 times a week I was ready for more. I have been told by many of the girls I dated that I am a a great lover, no brag, just fact. Help! Please

I have done most of what the folks answering my question have suggested. Even though we have been married 20 years I never stopped acting like i did when we first starting dating. I have massaged her feet, her shoulders, etc. without expecting sex. I have never shown anger being tuned down all of the thousands times, just sad and hurt.

One who left a comment that maybe she could just take care of me. Well I do me a lot better and it is not about that. It's also about feeling wanted, needed, about her wanting to be in bed with me. It's important to have the intimacy of lying next to each other kissing, hugging, look into each others eyes, feeling the other's heart beat, their breathing, smelling them, not just sex and an orgasm.

Answer 1

find a girl who has the opposite problem..like me..

Answer 2

I think that most women, especially my women friends, agree that there isn't anything that will turn a woman "off" faster than a man complaining about not having sex.

There is never, ever a good reason to cheat on your wife. You're saying that it isn't "just sex", but you'd actually become intimate with someone you don't know, or maybe barely know?

You do realize that woman, in general, rank sex further down on their "list of things to do" than men do. Take a look at her work load, the household, your meals, the laundry. Does she work full time? Is it a high stress job? Do you help her out?

I'd suggest that you, first of all, quit complaining. Second, try another approach that doesn't scream "I'm only doing this for sex". You say you massage her, but are you really massaging her? Does she feel warmth and tenderness when you massage her, or is it rushed and hurried, obvious you're doing it for the chance to maybe have sex?

Lastly, maybe try to understand a woman's body by [maybe] getting some sex therapy yourself. I don't think your wife needs to go to the doctor, because you don't die from not having sex. Maybe [and I'm not being mean], you're not the great lover that you think you are, but could become a better lover, if you understood her more.

Answer 3

What a sad story! How long has this been going on? I would not suggest cheating, although I can understand in a way why you would. It won't help, will only hurt, the situation with your wife. If she isn't willing to get help and you aren't willing to have a sexless marriage, then it may be best to separate. If she loves you, she will do what she should to make you happy and refusing to see a doctor tells me she doesn't care enough about your happiness. I think you are both too young to have absolutely no sex life. Maybe you two are meant to be good friends and you'll need to find physical love elsewhere. AFTER YOU DIVORCE. I guess in the end it's up to you to decide if this is the kind of marriage you want, without cheating. Good luck.

Answer 4

It seems that you have a lot of love for your wife so my answer is no. Why would you want to throw away a 20 yrs. partnership. Sex is not that important to a relationship, infact the relationship is important to sex. Without the relationship yes your sexual need will be filled but you will be left feeling emotionally empty. Also, that emptiness could very well be filled with guilt. Don't do anything you'll regret; cheating is never the answer. Think about what your saying and realize that you would never want to hurt anyone you love so much.

Answer 5

"Sex is not everything in life." Bull.

Sex is an extremely important part of an emotional relationship, it brings two people closer together and creates a feeling of intimacy. Lack of sex can cause a huge emotional problem between two people which can grow and eventually destroy a relationship - if you let it.

At this point it seems you have tried everything to convince your wife that this is really important to you. If she refuses to try to HELP the problem be repaired, then it basically is her fault if things go wrong. I would suggest a sex therapist or counselor for help but if she won't even talk to her doctor about it then I doubt she'd feel comfortable with a therapist.

There is no excuse ever for cheating on your spouse. That's not an option. Therapy is needed, she NEEDS to see her doctor and find help, or something drastic needs to happen if this really is having such an effect on you.

For things to try yourself: romance? A sweet dinner? A romantic vacation? Have you tried sex toys, or lotions, oils, other things of that nature? Is she not interested?

She shouldn't be embarrassed to talk to anyone about this. Sex is a fact of life and is a very important part of life and of an emotional relationship.

Answer 6

I think you need to either consider having an affair to fulfill your physical and emotional needs, get a divorce or live without sex the rest of your life (which in my opinion, is unnatural). Sex IS a big part of a relationship. It's one thing if you got married and agreed that sex is no big deal and you can live without it but if you used to have a great relationship and now it's gone...you have to make a choice. If she really loved you and was concerned for your feelings she would make an appointment with her doctor. Plain and simple. You have to decide what is important to you. Have you tried telling her that you have considered leaving her if she doesn't seek a medical opinion because you can't live without sex forever and masturbation is not the answer. It's a bandaid to the problem. There are major issues that need to be addressed before you are forced to find sex elsewhere.

Answer 7

No. You should not cheat on your wife.

If today, you were in a terrible accident. And you could no longer sexually perform. Would you have a problem with her taking on a sexual partner?

Cheating is NEVER alright. NEVER.

And sex isnt everything. But I do understand your case. This happens inside my relationship sometimes. But I NEVER think about cheating. I may torment myself terribly and lay awake at night fantisizing about MY HUSBAND. And thats what a person should be doing.

If your wife is embarressed about her sexual disfunction, or nervous about something else. Maybe YOU should offer to go to the doctor WITH HER. Women have alot of reasons. My parents dont have a sexual relationship because THEY chose not to. My mother cannot take birth control because of problems with blood clots, and if she was to become pregnate there is a VERY high chance she wouldnt live threw childbirth. So they decided to take that out of there realtionship. And I believe they have become 100 more times as intimate as they were when they were having sex. Intimant, what I mean is loving. They hold and caress and share there feelings and adore eachother more then ever. I have never seen them so happy.
Maybe you should stop talking about YOUR NEEDS. And remind her of her needs. Let her know that she is still a young, sexy, vibrant woman. Whom you can barly control yourself around. Tell her that you only want to be able to please her as you once did, and enjoyed. It might spark a memory. Focus it on her. She needs to remember she is still a desirable woman at 47. Do something romantic. And dont expect sex.

Yaw arent spring chickens anymore. And it takes a little more to get excited. But that is not to say it cant be done. Be flirtatious for a while and build her self confidence. Tell her she looks beautiful. A week later, tell her she looks sexy. A week later, tell her maybe she shouldnt wear that outfit because it makes you feel like your a 20 year old boy and you wanna take her to the back seat :)

Easy into things. Don't turn her off, by being blunt.

When she is in the shower, ask her if you may wash her back. DONT get in. Do it from the outside. Maybe if she dont feel pushed into it, she will invite you in.

When my husband and I started dating he begged to shower with me and I refused. He did the back washing thing a couple times. And next thing I knew I had a real mess on my hands.. I drug him in fully dressed.


Sometimes, we suprise ourselfs.

And remember, when you do get some lovin, you better make sure she enjoys it. And be vocal, tell her that she is sexy, and she has never been so hot. People need to feel confident.

Answer 8

Have you discussed options with her over the matter? If you are needing a sexual release, can she at least do it just for you? If not, ask her what SHE thinks should be done about the situation, and not having sex is NOT an option. Intimacy is a big part of a relationship, and I know that sex is not everything, but I believe both partners should make a conscious effort to keep one another happy in all aspects of a marriage.

Answer 9

it sounds like she's being a little selfish. especially since she won't even agree to go see her dr. if she is having a hormone issue that's decreasing her sex drive, then the easiest thing to do would be for her to go to her dr and get a prescription to help balance her hormones. i know that when people get married the frequency of sex diminishes, but seriously! never ever having sex is a little abnormal in my opinion. you don't want to be miserable forever and i know you probably don't want to divorce her. maybe you should try separating from her and give her some time to think about whether or not she's even willing to try working on this issue. don't cheat on her because it won't make anyone feel any better. if you really love her you wouldn't even consider it. this is just one of the trials of marriage that you either have to try to get through or say eff it and end it all. otherwise, i can only suggest rohypnol.

Answer 10

Sounds like your wife may be going through menopause. That would account for her low sex drive. If she had a hysterectomy that would bring menopause on earlier. There are hormone replacement patches she could get from her doctor that would help with her sex drive. Obviously not having sex isn't a big deal to her. If you love her as much as you say you do I don't see how cheating is an option. Your only options are to stay with her in sexless marriage or get divorced. Bottom line: What's more important to you sex or your wife?

Answer 11

I'm sorry to hear that.
It'd be a shame to say the least if after 20 years of marriage you should start cheating on her now.
However, I do understand how hard it must be for you.
Have you suggested marriage councelling?
Did you also tell her that you wouldn't want to cheat on her, but the urge is here and what would happen if you ever did??
Not to stress her or threaten her, but obviously she must understand what your situation is and how important for her to at least see a doctor.
Good luck.
I hope that she overcome that timidity and try and enjoy her marriage.
Could it be that she feels that she's too old???
Or that she doesn't feel beautiful enough??
You could also try and buy her sexy outfits to wear for you in private, and start complimenting her on her appearance.
You could try and watch some blue movie together and see if that might help set the mood.
Good luck.