Do you like my writing? (sample included)?

Question

Here is the beginning of a story I'm writing (I know, it's short, but I just started):

Salina stealthily crept through the damp woods, her bare feet scarcely making a sound on the muddy ground. Her tattered brown cloak offered no protection from the cold gusts of autumn wind, and clearly had spots in need of re-stitching. She pulled the thinning hood over her head again, but the strong wind tossed it backed again. Her straight brown hair, soaked to the skin by the relentless downpour, flew off her shoulders and seemed to dance around in the wind.

Answer 1

Sorry but I must comment on this. Your first sentence is a tongue twister and that will not work. It was a giant turn off for me instantly. Let's quote Stephen King here. "The road to Hell is paved with adverbs." Adverbs are tremendoulsy overused and often used in incorrect order - a syntax error. It should be "crept stealthily" - the adverb modifies the verb, remember? However trash the adverb completely and find another way to say that. The sentence is redundant, too. Isn't the second part "her bare feet scarcely making a sound ..." the same as stealthily? An editor would check immediately to make sure she had lots of red ink if she read that sentence.

Also you are dumping information on your readers. Do we need to know in the first paragraph she has straight hair? Nope. Do we need to know the color of the cloak? What if it was blue? And doesn't "in need of restitching" mean the same as "tattered" and "thinning hood"? Don't underestimate the intelligence of your readers - we got it the first time. The cloak is tattered.

Then there is this ...

"She pulled the thinning hood over her head again, but the strong wind tossed it backed again"

1) When did she pull the hood over her head the first time?

2) Don't use again twice in one sentence.

"She pulled the hood over her head, but the strong wind tossed it backed again."

See how much simpler that reads?

You have very common novice writing problems. Nothing you cannot overcome. I have a name for it. I call it "JKRowlingitis". I get letters from kids all day long asking me to read their work and 9 times out of 10, they are trying to write like JK. I am working with a young author now as a mentor, trying to cure her of JKRowlingitis. And she is thrilled at what she is capable of when she isn't trying to write JK stories in JK's style.

Take this paragraph and work on performing some surgery. Pare it down. Make it simple. Give me a solid first sentence that grabs me and pulls me into the story instead of something wishy-washy. Look at the strong words in that paragraph. Relentless and strong. Instead of the first sentence being the quiet one - try using the strong words.

I might make my first paragraph something like this.

"Pulling the hood of her tattered cloak over her head, the relentless autumn wind howled through the dark woods, immediately tossing it off again as Serena pushed herself forward silently. She wrapped the sodden garment around her tightly, but it did little good to protect her from the relentless downpour. It flew off her shoulders and she gasped as she reached out to grab it before the cruel wind carried it away. She was already soaked to the skin, but without the cloak, she would have nothing to spare her from the freezing gusts of wind. One after another, her bare feet moved silently across the muddy ground. "You can do it," Salina said to herself in a determined whisper."

See how I not only got some of your information in there, I avoided the tongue twister and made the sentence stronger. And I have added drama and an air of mystery. NOW I may want to know more about Serena and why she is alone in the woods in a storm. I also don't contradict myself by 1) Saying the woods are "damp" and 2) Saying there is a relentless downpour. I also took out the creeping because it would be hard to creep in relentless winds. You would have to struggle to move forward.

I also varied my sentences and avoided repeating words in the paragraph. And it is much more visual - showing not telling. I also gave Salina a bit of character - showing her determination and strength.

See??

Hope that helps. Pax - C

Answer 2

In the second sentence you might want to change the order. First you talk about the cloak, then the wind and then back to the cloak. You could put it like this:
"Her tattered brown cloak had spots in need of re-stitching and it offered no protection from the cold gusts of Autumn wind." (Because the reader sees the cloak, then feels the wind, but then suddenly needs to adjust the picture of the cloak to get the whole scene.) It is good the way it is, but you always want to make the reader comfortable. In the he third sentence you repeat the word 'again'. It sounds smoother when you leave the first one out: "She pulled the thinning hood over her head, but the strong wind tossed it back again."
The rest is beautiful. You really get the feeling you're there. Floating with the character. Also, you make the feelings and probably the emotions of this girl clear by her surroundings. That's very well done.
I hope that I get to read the rest one day.

Answer 3

Yes! I love it! Here's one part that caught my attention though.

"She pulled the thinning hood over her head again, but the strong wind tossed it backed again"

I would revise it like this:)

She pulled the thinning hood over her head, only for it to be tossed aside by the relentless wind.

If you like what I wrote than YES you can use it, only if you want to. I'm very very interested in this piece of writing! I would def. read this! Goodluck and keep us updated.
-CayleeJo

Answer 4

i like it but this sentence bothered me

She pulled the thinning hood over her head again, but the strong wind tossed it backed again.

it needs to be

She pulled the thinning hood over her head again, but the strong wind tossed it back.

im sorry...im like that tho...but if you read it youll get the drift...im not trying to be mean and tell you what to right..i know the type

Answer 5

It sounds like something I would right, so I should probably say it's good =]. But with all seriousness, it's very good. Good visualization and description. Just one thing that bothers me is the part about "her bare feet scarcely making a sound." I dont like the word scarecely there....try something like hardly. You can use a more simple word there because you use so much description everywhere else.

Answer 6

i like it. the pulling it over her head again and the wind tossing it back again thing has too many ands. id take out the last and (after tossed it back)

Answer 7

some sturdy, some undesirable. "I scribble. I scrawl" is sturdy. Stuff like "candy nothings" and too plenty emphases on inventive junk is undesirable. the clarification is that it attracts too plenty interest to what you be attentive to, no longer as a author, yet as a man or woman. Like all of us can style of get which you will - or will possibly no longer - be attentive to approximately Crescendo, eb, Picasso, and so on. however the way we would understand which you be attentive to approximately those issues is by utilising subtler approaches. like the straightforward, nicely based, high quality of your writing, no longer the obtrusive connection with them on your writing. you will be able to desire to apply greater strains like "My pencil breaks" and "The wind hushes" or "The pencil nervously faucets the paper"...much less precis stuff because of the fact it particularly is dissatisfying.

Answer 8

=] i like