Over 60, Married and Miserable?

Question

I'm female, just turned 60 - very youthful and energetic. The man I'm married to is a shadow of what he was when I married him. He's a cynical, bitter man, with no sense of humor and zest for living. Won't take vacations, not interested in socializing - through the years has become my complete opposite.

Divorce is out of the question. I don't have the energy to go through it or the desire to upset my family or jepodize my home .
I'm in counseling, grateful to have a health plan that covers 2 visits a month.

What I'd like to know is "are there more people like me out there?" Married to someone who changed for the worst through the years, in a joyless marriage, shaking your head wondering how you ever ended up like this in what should be the best years of your life?

This is misery.

Serious answers only please.

Answer 1

try visiting your local swingers club, you'll be very welcome make news friends and use some of that zest for life up!

Answer 2

Maybe your husband is suffering from depression. What does your counselor say about it? You know, it doesn't take that much time and energy to get divorced. If it was, a lot fewer people would be getting them. I don't think divorce should be a first option, but your husband has to realize that it takes two people to make a marriage work. What does he want to do, just sit around and mope until he dies? How can you continue living like this? The sad reality is sometimes people change and grow apart. What you have to decide is what you want, are you going to be content just sitting around waiting to kick the bucket, or do you want to make the most of your senior years? What's more important, upsetting your family (I'm guessing the kids are grown, you spent your whole life raising them and making them happy, now maybe it's time to do something for yourself!) or your sanity and happiness? There's no reason to stay in an unhappy marriage, no matter how old you are. Especially if your partner doesn't feel the need to try to work things out. I like someone else's suggestion of taking yourself on a vacation. If he won't go with you, so what? Take yourself! You deserve a break, and a change of scenery might help you clear your head. Good luck hon.

Answer 3

The depression idea is probably true for him. Is he retired? My dad is now 80 but when he retired he turned this way. Just sat at home watching the tube and going to a small near by cafe for coffee twice aday. No hobbies, part timework or anything to fill his days. He became almost impossible to be around that was 17 years ago and he is still the same. I don't know how my Mom lives with it. She is 8 years is junior, healthy and energetic as well. If he is't retired be warned that he will be come worse when he does. Not only will he be antisocial but he will resent you being outgoing and such. He will want to control what you are doing and where you are. THis is a worse case sceniro but the chances are good that untreated he will worsen to this level. My Dad is this way. At this time My mom just hangs on because she feels that it is her duty. She is very religious and has based her happiness and such on her church... I have stepped in on numerous occasions and took the heat for my Mom so she could have a break with him. If he becomes too much for me too my husband deals with him or my sons who know how thier grandfather is step in. He can be cruel, mean and judgemental. If you are determined to stay with him, Try your best to find some kind of help for him now. Put together some kind of support group for yourself. Good Luck---email me if you want to talk about this some more. I am 50 so I am not a kid.....I understand all to well what you are going through.

Answer 4

I'm so sorry... Yes I've seen it a lot. It seems to happen for many different reasons and most people feel the way you do.

Maybe U should just take yourself off on a nice little vacation and relax a little. There is nothing wrong with that you know. Sounds like U could use a break.

Let him sit there and do whatever he wants... just don't let him keep you there board to death! You deserve a little happiness and relaxation, or excitement... whatever U decide. Be good to yourself for heavens sake! If your not I can assure U others won't be good to you either!

Answer 5

Lady, your number is legion! Yes, you're living a sad life, made even sadder by the pretense that you haven't the ability to change things. You can get out of the house, do things on your own and make a life beyond it. You can meet with friends, volunteer at the local hospital, veteran's home, battered women's shelter, soup kitchen - heck, if you can walk for ten minutes, you can even go volunteer to walk the dogs at the local animal shelter.
There's no excuse for sitting around feeling put upon. Upset your family - are you kidding me? Do you honestly think your family is not aware of how miserable you are? Jeopardize your home? Aw, baloney! Getting off your duff and seeking your own bliss is hardly gonna risk your home.
Look, I have had older female relatives in your situation, and I've seen how they can move beyond a sour old man and have a reasonably fruitful and happy life despite him. Two of them were physically disabled and they did it, so don't tell me you can't. AND - that's why I entered a profession wherein I could counsel folks regarding quality of life issues. And I find, after more than forty years of clinical experience, that the most effective message I can give folks like you is the one above. If, after hearing this, your life does not begin to improve, you have only yourself to blame. HE is ONLY responsible for HIS life, not yours. So: Get off your duff and get outa the house and START LIVING! Lord knows you need and deserve to...

Answer 6

I have seen this happen many times. Most times when the spouse who used to be a happy out going person turns into a sour puss the problem has been depression. As we get older our bodies, our chemistry, our lives change. Some people become depressed and in a rut. It sounds as though your husband may be depressed, after all who would choose to live that way?

Answer 7

Thankfully, I am not in this situation but if you are as energetic as you say... why not divorce? Obviously, you family knows you aren't happy and want you to be. Why would you choose to continue a life like this??

Answer 8

You can't change another person back to the way you want them to be. You know him best, and know why he has become the way he is. Did you go through the change? Were you awful to him through it? Try to do things that make him happy and don't expect him to be happy overnight.

Answer 9

I think some of the people on here are right, he may be suffering from depression. Will he go to a doctor? Something is making him behave this way. You shouldn't have to be miserable.Does he go to church? If so see if he will talk to his pastor.I'll be praying for you ! God bless you.

Answer 10

Sorry this is happening to you. Try inviting family over to fill the void. Not the same thing, I know, but it's something.
You might also try having him get evaluated for depression, since he wasn't always like this.

Answer 11

My wife turned into a complete drunken psycho but unlike you I finally got to a breaking point. Damn the security, I just want my freedom.