Do you think I'm a good writer? (sample included)?

Question

That night I was just as restless as I had been earlier that day. I sighed and sat up, thinking that it was kind of hopeless that I could get any kind of sleep now. I glanced over to Jake and Kinsie, still sprawled out where they had been before when I started to drift off to sleep, and grinned. I shook my head, then got up as quietly as I could to put my shoes on. Might as well go get a breath of fresh air, I told myself, since I was still in my clothes. I slipped out the back door and made my way down to the pond and little waterfall that was to one side of the back yard.
I must have sat there for an hour or so before Jake came waltzing up behind me so quietly I didn’t even notice him until he spoke. “Hey. What’re you doing up?” he asked, his wry smile creeping across his face.
I jumped and gasped as he startled me, then I turned around and gave him a straight face.
He chuckled and took one step back. “I’m sorry, your Worshipfullness, I didn’t realize you turned your Jedi senses off at night,” he said with both his arms out to one side. A lock of his black hair fell into his face as he bowed slightly. His brown eyes twinkled in the moonlight as he looked out from underneath his eyelashes, making my heart flutter.

I grinned widely and patted the spot next to me. “I guess I was just in my own little world,” I explained.
Jake raised one of his eyebrows and asked somewhat sarcastically, but jokingly, “And that’s unusual?” He sat down next to me, closer than he would have normally. I blushed, glad that the darkness hid my bright red face.
I chuckled and looked down at my feet. “Not normally, but I’ve had a lot of stuff on my mind,” I told him, still blushing.
After an awkward moment of silence, Jake cleared his throat. “You uh...you want to take a walk and tell me about it?” he asked.
I nodded and looked straight into his brown eyes. They were filled with an earnest curiosity and a warmth I hadn’t seen before. “Sure. I know a path that leads right to the park,” I offered.

Jake got up, now towering over me, and held out a hand to help me up. “Sounds great. Lead the way, my young Padawan,” he said, again that wry smile coming across his lips.
When I took his hand, my heart fluttered again and I was almost sure he could hear my thumping pulse as well as he might listen to his rock music. That made me blush yet again. Then I grinned, and pulled him along after me. Once we got to the far end of Kinsie’s back yard, I led him to a small path that two people could walk side by side just perfectly.
“So, what’s on your mind?” he asked in his “Jedi Master to Young Padawan” voice. His lips were still curled into his wry, heart-stopping smile.

Basically this scene is a part that's pretty far in the book....Jake, Kinsie, and Sammy (the main character in 1st person view) are studying hard for a test and they're staying at Kinsie's house....a tiny bit later on in this scene, Sammy and Jake share a kiss (which is Sammy's first) and I wanted to post that, but I thought that would be too much....???

Since all of you want more...I'll finish this scene for y'all!
I sighed and shrugged my shoulders. “Alex. He can find exactly the right way to push my buttons and he knows right when to do it too. To make me look like a pathetic loser,” I explained.
He grinned and put his arm around my shoulder casually. “Don’t worry, you’re not a pathetic loser, Sam. Far from it!” he said as we came to another path; which had bushes and trees on either side, and the top was overgrown where the tree’s branches had grown together, creating a canopy-like feeling.
I glanced up at his face, now too close to just casually give him a sidelong glance. “Really? Because it feels that way,” I said as we both simultaneously stepped onto the new path.

He stopped, put both of his hands on my shoulders and gazed deeply into my eyes, his blazing with determination. “The day you turn into a pathetic loser is the day hog monkeys start flying,” he said jokingly, yet with meaning. His eyes softened a bit, gaining a truthful, trusting sparkle to them.
My heart hadn’t stop fluttering from before. I sighed, and then grinned and nodded. “I guess you’re right,” I said, not able to break Jake’s gaze.

We stood like that, gazes locked, for a few moments. Jake then raised his hands and cupped my face between them. His touch sent electrifying shivers down my spine. We both closed our eyes at the same moment and I felt his lips on mine. That made my heart beat faster than a hummingbird on steroids. I wrapped my arms around his neck and, moving his arms to wrap around my waist, he held me closer. After a few moments, Jake pulled back and opened his eyes, as did I. We both smiled wide smiles.
Jake then enclosed me in a huge hug, kissing the top of my head. I buried my face in his shoulder and sighed blissfully.

I'm only 16 btw....and I've been writing probably since I was 6....but thanks for all the positive feedback!

Answer 1

Wow nice vocab.

Here's how I would lay it down.

You're writing detail wise is great. Nice flow, nice grammar etc. But another part about writing is creativity. I liked the humor, but I would like to see something that hooks me. Nice first paragraph and then it was good but keep me interested. Also, by what I can see it's good, but I would need to know more about what is going on, like are they in an orphanage or something.

Good luck and keep at it.
Duncan

Answer 2

Your writing sounds really good for a teenager (If you are a teenager, no offense if you're older), but obviously no one is born a writing prodigy. You have tons of room to grow, which I hope you do because you do have good potential. Read tons and tons of books by good authors, it will help you realize what kind of writing style you like best, and help you on story ideas. Think of original things though, because no one wants to read something that's been done a million times before. Good luck!

Answer 3

Some of the comments here are excellent. Avoid vague statements like kind of. Learn how to write a metaphor and a simile. Learn to paint with words.

One comment I have is that you have to be very careful when writing in first person. It is difficult to get out information when writing in first person because you can only comment on things the narrator sees, hears, knows, thinks. You cannot write about the thoughts of others or things that happen with the narrator not present. That is a Point of View or POV violation. It often becomes very difficult for novice authors to pass on information to readers in first person. You almost have to have your narrator in every single scene - like Fitzgerald did in Great Gatsby. That can become cumbersome. And if you want to portray information kept secret from your narrator, you are sunk. The other tendency authors have when writing in first person is to "tell not show" instead of "show not tell" - which can turn your story into a giant information dump. That can be very dry and uninteresting to your readers. Like sitting through a very long and dull lecture on economics in college. The reader feels like they are having information shoved down their throats instead of being allowed the luxury of discovery when reading.

What can work is changing POV from chapter to chapter or scene to scene. James Patterson uses this technique often. It gives the reader a little more of a hook to pay attention to and makes the reading a lot less dry and lecturing.

I will post some grammar comments on your third post. Pax - C

Answer 4

Very good. Your imagination is so vivid that I can almost see what I'm reading. Some of the sentences have to be trimmed down though or else it would be too long to be considered one.

Anyway, I would immerse myself in a book you'll be authoring once it's published :)

Answer 5

I think your a good writer but need to stop using "I" so much,cut out some of the writing you don't need and make it flow better,
Try reading guides online that give tips on writing.

Answer 6

I think you are a great writer!!! You make me want to keep on reading to know what happens. You write a very good description, use good punctuation, and make the reader interested in what you are saying. Keep up the great job and good luck to you!!!!

Answer 7

that was really good! the only thing is, i think you used "wry smile" and "blushed" too much. try to describe it differently each time, but still keeping the same idea. but other than that you write very well.

Answer 8

Its ok.. about average, along the lines of those Harlequin romance novels I guess. Not something I would read though, but everyone has their own tastes and opinions.

Answer 9

good grammar punctuation and spelling

it's a bit detailed, imo. simplification would make for a better read. you use good synonyms but i usually perfer reading larger words that mean the same as many small ones. i suppose that is just preference though.

Answer 10

Good content & idea's, but you need to learn to mix up your sentence structure. You start every sentence w/ I. Maybe try re writing this in 3rd person instead of first.