That night I was just as restless as I had been earlier that day. I sighed and sat up, thinking that it was kind of hopeless that I could get any kind of sleep now. I glanced over to Jake and Kinsie, still sprawled out where they had been before when I started to drift off to sleep, and grinned. I shook my head, then got up as quietly as I could to put my shoes on. Might as well go get a breath of fresh air, I told myself, since I was still in my clothes. I slipped out the back door and made my way down to the pond and little waterfall that was to one side of the back yard.
I must have sat there for an hour or so before Jake came waltzing up behind me so quietly I didn’t even notice him until he spoke. “Hey. What’re you doing up?” he asked, his wry smile creeping across his face.
I jumped and gasped as he startled me, then I turned around and gave him a straight face.
He chuckled and took one step back. “I’m sorry, your Worshipfullness, I didn’t realize you turned your Jedi senses off at night,” he said with both his arms out to one side. A lock of his black hair fell into his face as he bowed slightly. His brown eyes twinkled in the moonlight as he looked out from underneath his eyelashes, making my heart flutter.
2007-09-23 08:41:59 · 5 answers · asked by converse_girl91 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Your work has potential but it is not there yet. You will definitely benefit from editing, but you can also learn from your mistakes and become a better writer.
To start with, I think every novice author needs to make a sign and hang it on their monitor. "The road to Hell is paved with adverbs." Stephen King. Adverbs are not always a writers friend.
"Sighing blissfully" for instance. How can you tell the difference between a blissful sigh and a sigh of infatuation? Or a sigh of frustration or confusion?
"Grinned widely" ... Isn't that what a grin is by definition? That phrase is redundant.
Next, let's talk about tense. You waver. You have to be positive when you start and stick with it. Then this sentence is an absolute horror of tense and syntax issues ...
I must have sat there for an hour or so before Jake came waltzing up behind me so quietly I didn’t even notice him until he spoke,
"It seemed like I was sitting there for an hour or more before Jake ... "
Also avoid passive tense.
"That night I was just as restless as I had been earlier that day"
should be
"That night I was just as restless as I was earlier that day..."
See how much more powerful that sentence is without the passive "had been" in it?
Next, avoid vague terms like "kind of" and "rather rapidly". Is it rapid or isn't it? Be stronger - be positive. If it was rapid, say so. If it is "kind of" - write a beautiful metaphor or simile. Use words creatively. You can replace those vague terms with beautiful imagery.
"My heart was beating so rapidly I felt like I just ran a marathon. I made a mental note to myself to start working out and getting this lazy butt into shape."
See the difference?
Lastly, avoid starting your sentences with I and He all the time. It becomes like listening to a baseball announcer's play by play. I did this. He did that. I did this. He countered with that. Variety is the spice of life and the author's best friend.
Hope all that helps. It is critique - not criticism. You have a long way to go but you have a good start. Now, start learning how to hone the gift you were given into a talent and skill. That takes time and training.
Pax - C
2007-09-23 09:32:20 · answer #1 · answered by Persiphone_Hellecat 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your writing sounds really good for a teenager (If you are a teenager, no offense if you're older), but obviously no one is born a writing prodigy. You have tons of room to grow, which I hope you do because you do have good potential. Read tons and tons of books by good authors, it will help you realize what kind of writing style you like best, and help you on story ideas. Think of original things though, because no one wants to read something that's been done a million times before. Good luck!
2007-09-23 16:04:56 · answer #2 · answered by JustAGirlX 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I could totally imagine it and the guy sounds cute! ;) hehe Anyway, you have potential. Write some more! I also loved some of the great vocabulary (wry, sprawled, etc.).
2007-09-23 15:49:00 · answer #3 · answered by updo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes you are a wonderfull writer - congratulations on being brave enough to put it out there and see if it is publishable. Good Luck
2007-09-23 15:47:39 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
no i dont think so
2007-09-23 15:46:38 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋