... me to really get over him because this sticky situation is spoiling my chances to stick with someone new and move on with my life. it's not only the comparison thing that without doubt I am doing eventually every time i go out on a date, but the fact that when i see him, my knees go weak, i'm totally smitten and i can't control that (I can't control my heartbeat or dizzyness, if you understand me).
i know him a lot of years, and it's always been like that with me. I know he's interested and was interested but i kept rejecting him because i thought we were highly incompatible and thought the crush was going to go away. well it doesn't and now he's married with kid and I have no intention of doing anything (he kissed me after his marriage). so it's not just in my mind.
anyway all that is irrelevant but i'm only writing to point out that this thing has deep roots and i wonder if anyone in a similar situation has any tips or advice to get it over with because it's harmful.
2007-09-23 08:31:52 · 16 answers · asked by sarah kay 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I don't care if it's lust or love. I'm just very moved in all possible ways when I see him and I wish that to stop and move on. and I can't move on if this doesn't stop (I tried too many times to date and everybody seems like a lesser man). your honest advice would be welcomed.
2007-09-23 08:36:44 · update #1
I feel for you because I have been where you are, although there is no marriage on either side, just the reality that it won't ever happen. It has taken me a very long time and it was repeated reminders to me that we never will be together the way I once hoped.
I have now acheived an understanding that I love him and probably always will, but I keep that "IN love with him" door firmly closed. His name actually became the name of my longing. I would go to sleep and wake up with his name on my lips. I still struggle with that piece, but I do a reality check each time it happens. I, like you, knew that I could never be open to another while I held this love for him. It is hard work and takes time, and my roots are deep as well.
In the meantime, try focusing on yourself and your interests and your passions, not so much on the prospect of another man. This is very hard and sometimes it seems time just won't pass fast enough, but you can get there. Just acknowledge that you will always feel some level of love for him for reasons only you have to know. Try to reshape that emotion into something you can handle.
You can get there and I wish you godspeed.
2007-09-23 08:48:48 · answer #1 · answered by Pamela B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would think this relationship was not meant to be. Having those feelings for someone is wonderful to a point. I had a similar situation and acted upon it to find out all my dreams and fantasies were for not. Once I completed my dream of being with this man, I found out he was nothing like I thought he'd be, and I'm just not talking about the physical side of it. He was everything I wanted in a man in public but nothing I wanted in private. You never truly know a person until you spend time with them alone. Men have many faces and some are hidden from you. My advice, since he's married, is not to act on any thing that he may throw your way. If he wanted anything with you, he would have made a move before he was married. If he does now, he will only bring you down to a level that I don't think you want to go. There is someone for you but you must not compare all men to a fantasy. Lower your standards a bit, and you will find someone who will fulfil any fantasy you can dream up.
2007-09-23 15:54:56 · answer #2 · answered by Needtoknow 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This may seem simplistic, but a little aversion therapy might work. Wear a large, thick rubber band around your wrist. Everytime you see him, pull the rubber band back a few inches and give yourself a good whack. It will hurt like the dickens and immediately divert your attention to the pain in your wrist.
Everytime you see him, everytime you think of him, everytime you have a moment of weakness, pull the rubber band. If people ask you why you are wearing it, answer honestly that you are trying to break a bad habit.
Promise yourself you'll try this for say, three months. Very soon, you will start to associate the sight of him with the pain on your arm instead of your heart. Eventually, you will be able to give up the rubber band because you won't need it any longer.
In the meantime, make a plan of how to meet new people. Take up a new hobby, volunteering, or take a non-credit class in something that sounds interesting.
Surround yourself with people you love and enjoy.
Get a pet. Keeping busy will help.
2007-09-23 15:50:11 · answer #3 · answered by smallbizperson 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no one can stop you to have someone get into your life sarah. If he mades you so controlless", then try not to see him.. He is a marriy man with a kid, no point to interrupt into a mess relationship, u want to be 3rd party? or do u wish to have a 3rd party in your marriage? I dont think anyone wish to have that.
Find some hobies or something to fill up your time, of seeing him, or even thinking of him. in real life may not lead you to meet a lot of new people, but i guess through the online chat room, or forum, may help you so. tons of nice guy out there, but also prevent for the danger one. (i guess you are good enough to protect yourself from that.
for you to get over him, you must have the feeling treat him as a normal friend. no kissing, hugging, or any body contact shall be done. till you feel really : " just a friend, a good wan"
2007-09-23 22:44:53 · answer #4 · answered by Michael K 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I looks like that you have spent a long time thinking about this man. Imagining a perfect life with him and perhaps even building up in your mind your attraction to him.
Sex is probably 90% imagination so how you think about a person has a great deal to do with how attracted you are to him.
I suggest you work on removing this guy from your mind. You have allowed him to gain mythic proportions in your imagination and no real person can measure up to that. I am sure this paragon of manhood scratches his ***, steals all the covers and farts just like every other man out there.
Don't make the mistake of thinking that this is the only guy for you. There are plenty of very nice, attractive men out there if you will give them a chance.
You may need to move away so you do not see this gentleman anymore while you are your 'recovery' period. Remember he has made a commitment to his wife and his children. You have no right to jeopardize their happiness.
2007-09-23 16:09:46 · answer #5 · answered by krinkn 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd advise some therapy. You've got to realize that it's OVER. Poof! In the wind! You have to not contact him for YEARS, probably to really let the dust settle.
Obviously, what you've been doing isn't working, right? Take a look at what that is and STOP. Try to not idealize him. He's just a man. A man who kissed someone who wasn't his wife (how good a man does that?). I'd really recommend some counseling with someone who can help you let him go so you can get on with your life.
2007-09-23 15:45:17 · answer #6 · answered by Laura 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if you had a huge, lengthy crush on someone, and no possibility for you to get together, what would you advice me to really get over him because this sticky situation is spoiling my chances to stick with someone new and move on with my life.
*** you are so right, you will never be able to give yourself to anyone else because you are still giving yourself to him. and that is ok if he is what you want. first you have to figure out if it is love or lust. if you figure out it is lust, guess what? you will know it is not true love, because the only truth is love. second if it is love you have to figure out if this person is worth your love. and how much love they are worth. let me explain, you love your best friend different than you love a person you grew up with that is not your best friend. different love yes, but it like buying a Snickers rather than a Milky Way. they are both candies. they are still both love.
Every bit of love cost you something, what price are you willing to pay to give someone any part of you love? if your love cost $3 and someone is only willing to give you $2, are you going to give them $3 of love or $2. they didn't pay for $3 so I am only going to give them what they are paying for. now please look beyond the words I am saying and see the bigger picture.
as I am writing this to you right now I am giving you love, not a lot but love the same. and lets say I am giving you 3% of the love I have to give. Because I am willing to give you 3% of my love to you, I will not give you any less. ++++ Here is where it all comes together. if I am willing to give you 3% of my love, and give you 3% of my love, I have given you all the love that I can give.
stop re-read that again... How much of your love are you willing to give?
it's not only the comparison thing that without doubt I am doing eventually every time i go out on a date, but the fact that when i see him, my knees go weak, i'm totally smitten and i can't control that (I can't control my heartbeat or dizzyness, if you understand me).
***lots of reasons for that, I did that for years with my ex wife. she left me and I could not go on any dates without making the comparision. but after I learned about love, the comparisons stopped.
i know him a lot of years, and it's always been like that with me. I know he's interested and was interested but i kept rejecting him because i thought we were highly incompatible and thought the crush was going to go away.
***We never see what we really want untill it passes us by.
well it doesn't and now he's married with kid and I have no intention of doing anything (he kissed me after his marriage). so it's not just in my mind.
anyway all that is irrelevant but i'm only writing to point out that this thing has deep roots and i wonder if anyone in a similar situation has any tips or advice to get it over with because it's harmful.
*** there is much more I can share that I don't have room to write here. Yes it is deep rooted but can be exposed and your love can blossom. just don't be afraid of not finding love. when you are ready to love, love will find you.
2007-09-23 16:58:51 · answer #7 · answered by iampato 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You had your chance and now it's gone. In your eyes this man is everything that you want but is he. You've put him on this pedestal but could you have lived with the real thing as everyone has faults. Maybe if you took yourself out of the circle that lends it's self to you meeting could help but could you do that. This,after reading it again sounds to me that you know what to do only wont admit it.
2007-09-23 15:56:03 · answer #8 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I honestly think the only way to get over this is to stop talking or texting or meeting with him. He has obviously moved in a different direction with a wife and child. Time away can only help you, not hurt you.
2007-09-23 15:43:31 · answer #9 · answered by abby 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are meant to be , you will be no matter what. If your not, theres nothing you can do. Why worry over something thats not in your control? There are so many people on the planet..you are only focussing on him, look at other people too. When i was a kid , i wanted to blow up the moon, but i couldnt lol..do i worry about it? nah..maybe someday NASA will send me on a spacecraft loaded with nukes perhaps..:)
2007-09-23 15:42:53 · answer #10 · answered by cat-octavius 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋