Should I stay or Should I go?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, we have two beautiful children, ages 3 and 4. Problem is we do not get along. We have a bad past, he has lied quite a bit, and cheated 2-3 times (Once that I have solid proof of) When we get in an argument he usually ends up leaving for a few hours. He says he goes to the Casino, but who knows. I had decided to forgive him. As far as I know he hasn't done anything else, but we still have issues. Wefight over small stuff, like clothes, or stuff on tv. I try to tell him not to make a big deal out of stuff. For example, I was dancing in the car to Beyonce's new song, and he told me that I needed to stop b/c I was acting like a 15 year old, not a mother and a wife (I am 24)Well, I have had my share of fights with him, but never this picky or cheated on him. I have recently lost alot of weight and I feel as if I can find someone better. He says that I am leaving him just b.c,. i lost weight. My family says its b/c im hot and he cant take it.

Ok let me clarify this a little better. The issue isnt the fact that he cheated. The issue is that he is WAY too controlling. He checks my phone, he accuses me of going places when I havent, he tries to tell me what to wear (heaven forbid their is cleavage) he doesnt want me dancing or acting "young" he doesnt want me to make comments about tv or anything to his family. For example, one time his brothers wife said she liked my butt(playing b/c of the weight loss) i told my husb. he better watch out b.c. his sister in law likes my butt. he freaked cause i said that in front of his brother (who is our age and close to us) i bought a shirt that said hot and he said a mother shouldnt wear that. He thinks I am not putting up with this anymore b/c i lost weight, my family thinks he cant handle the new look or attention that i get. the cheating was 2 years ago. we've done the counseling,etc. in my mind i have tried EVERYTHING to make it work.

He said if I change back to how I was, then we could be together, but hell I dont want to change. I want to be happy and dance and wear young clothes.

Answer 1

Why do women stay with cheaters? By staying, you give your unstated permission since you both know he is a cheater. It appears that you accept the situation. When children are involved, divorce is a tough choice. Will he go to counseling with you?

You need to go alone if necessary. You need to know why you accept such a low level of committment from your husband and the father of your beautiful children. Here is the tough part: he doesn't respect you and eventually your children won't either.

Answer 2

I think that you should go. I would never forgive a man for cheating. If you choose to though I would only forgive him once. If you think that he cheated those other times, go with your gut. How many times are you going to let him do this to you? Hopefully he has never given you anything. You are not doing your children any favors by staying with him in this hostile environment. Telling you how to act? There is nothing wrong with dancing to music regardless of your age. Wives and mothers still dance. You are not dead. Do not worry about why he thinks that you are leaving. Worry about you and your children and making the three of you happy. If what your family says is true and he can't stand it because you look good you really need to be rid of him. He should be happy and proud of you. Get out and don't look back. Congratulations on your weight loss. Good luck in keeping it off. Remember, it is easier to keep it off then it is to lose it again.

Answer 3

You both need to grow up and starting acting like parents and a couple. Get counselling to learn how to communicate better. Trust me, you leave this guy, unless you do some homework into yourself you'll end up with a clone of your husband because that's what people do.
Get help learn how to be a good couple... for the sake of your kids. And you could have a great relationship.
Marriage is NOT easy. It does take work. Hard work. SO you either do it with the father of your children. Or do it with someone who is just like the father of your children.
Now grow up and get things done.

Answer 4

Hmmmm... messy

The four things my mama hammered into my head beginning at age 13. Too bad you weren't my sista.... this is what you would have heard as well:::: Well, learn them now, and see how you can get back on track:

1. The most important decision you will ever make is who you marry. Choose with your head as well as your heart. (And you married a cheater.... oh, good.)
2. Have no children until your bond is strong, (it isn't, and you now have two children.... also, oh, good.) and have no more than you yourself can support. You may just have to
3. At any and all costs finish your education to qualify for those high paying jobs. It is likely that you will work sometime during your marriage, probably for decades…. Get paid for it. And remember, your kids and your education are forever…. Husbands, lovers and promises are not!!
4. Have a stash of cash no one knows about even if you are sure you will never need it. You absolutely will, and the more the better.


It isn't that you're hot, and he can't take it.... it because no one ever told either of you how you would change with children.....

Sweetie, you went from being the huss, the sexy fox, the lusty bed partner to pregger lady, and housekeeper and mom. And for him, he went from being the dude, the sex machine the man, the screwing king to father and provider. And no one told you that this would happen to your cozy little relationship, did they? Your little relationship turned 180 degrees!!!!!! All we get told is , "OHHHH we're gonna have a baaayyyyyybeeeee, ain't that sooo romantic???". and it isn't. You aren't what he married any longer, and he isn't what he was any longer, and the idea of being a father with lower testasterone (he doesn't know that yet) is just the shocker. And so men run, or you do (some even go have affairs, and get some second lady preggers...)...you no longer get to think of each other, you have to get up, feed this kid, and he has to put up with your changing moods... great, huh?

Kids are not bonding, hon, they are divisive. And kids need to be planned for...lots of couples don't plan... not REALLY plan!!! We ought to teach this stuff in hs, we don't. And as a public school teacher, my apologies, really unfair to young parents who have no idea what is going to happen when kids enter their marriage.

I'm sure he has no idea what is going on in his head... for sure he loves you, but he doesn't know what has happened. Now you know.
And on top of all this, you two can't get issues out there on the table without resentment and rage.... sad.... You are both babies pissing and fighting over baby stuff.

Get into counseling for a session or two, and realize that you each now must step to the plate. these children deserves both parents ---forget about what you think your family is telling you-=--- that you're hot and can get someone else... what ARE you thinking--- It is no o\longer about you, hon, it is about your children.... Take pencil and paper, hon. You two are about to learn lots.... get your money's worth and take notes. Worth every dime. AN no, your parents aren't helping your situation... flush them and their ideas. Your children deserve their parents, and: your marriage can survive, and be even stronger. It will of course be forever changed, and with help, better than it was before........

You two both need to grow up, get some help with your abilities to communicate, and as a I said, step to the plate, and become parents.

Answer 5

i am 14 and my paretnts were the same way
i have 3 other siblings
and my parents got divorced about 4 years ago
my sisters were about 3 and 5 then and they are still confused about it
once you get divorced you hve alot to deal with
payign for your house, going to court over your kids, etc. but you know what
my parents are both very happy with the choice they made
you husband will get what he deserves. my dad did
he was cheated on by someone he loved alot.
and now he is veryyy depressed. but im sure heel find someone.
and you will to
trust me
everything will work out

Answer 6

If he cheated, you should go. Most of the time the past will reflect the future. If yall have a bad past then most likely you will have a bad future with him unless some drastic good changes come along. Hope you make the right decisions! Good luck and best wishes!

Answer 7

Wow! I'm so sorry for your difficult times. But I am a Catholic and as such I don't believe in a couple divorcing. I would try to work it out as best as you can. However, if you are both aethists, your marriage may not have been valid to begin with (you'd have to speak to a priest to know) and you'd have no obligation to stay with him.

Could you try marriage counseling? Remember your children in this. Statistically children are almost always happier if their parents are together versus separated.

Answer 8

Sorry but this is all the signs of a cheating husband. This is the way they behave to convince themselves they have the right to cheat. Leave the bum while you are still young. Find someone who deserves your love.

Answer 9

so if u were fat you would stay with him?
come on you can think better then that.
sounds like you guys have insecurities with eachother, that is normal
what isnt is that it has been years and you havent corrected them.
much props for forgiving him for cheating, that he is wrong for..
open up, compromise, love, forgive and move forward as a couple that can be happy...
come together as a team, live together or die alone.

Answer 10

You need to go. No man has the right to control you. Make sure you take your kids with you. He is not a good role model for them. Listen to you family. They love you for who you are. He doesn't love you he just wants to control.