~Written on the fly, but please comment?~?

Question

I'm sure is is flawed, but I felt like writing!

~Prayer~

This is but a humble prayer--
Nothing more, I do not lie--
For one I miss far deeper than
The summer clouds or bright spring sky.

Simple, yes, for this is all that
I have ever had to give--
But take my prayer and hear it, please
For one who's lost his will to live.

He knows no longer when or if
The sun rises morning or night;
And forgets himself in daily tasks,
Or never sees the palest light

He says, if he is feeling well
"This is your summer, but it is my fall,
I cannot feel your sunny rays,
O! how can you feel my pain, at all?"

But when he is more failing, there are no words,
And all I hear is weeping yet; or worse,
The silence, cold and dreadful
That lies around his seeming hurse.

Hear me, Father, I love him so--
Help him in a bitter wind--
Or call Him to you, if it must be,
But take him from this state of mind.

I love him yet.....he hides from me...he sees my hand and turns away.

*I do want to say that this is fictional, though based on two separate real experiences.

Answer 1

It has flaws, and a wobble or two, but it really astonishes me how you managed to write all that on a fly. Oh well, some people write very small. I liked it, it hit home a little due to some close aquaintances lost over the years. Please do not notice if I have a drop or two in the corners of my eyes.
it's good

Answer 2

I like it. The simple seasonal imagery is used well to express the condition of his life. I couldn't really tell if that was the ending you wanted, or if you just didn't have the right words to end it.

Sometimes our minds are creating whether we want them to or not. I can certainly understand writing "on the fly" when the inspiration hits. I wrote one of my best poems, a sonnet believe it or not, while jogging 3 miles under the stars.

The only flaw that I saw was "hearse."

Answer 3

dear singing 2 the rain.i love it particularly the 3rd stanza. it was so very touching i thought it was ur real experience!keep writing dearest.i hope u remember me its maryam. vulcan_m...i have u as my contact due 2 ur love for literature n romantic spirirt that is within u.take care...couldnt mail u as it was out of option on ur profile.

Answer 4

It is very beautiful and obviously near and dear to your heart

Answer 5

flawed, maybe, but nothing you can't fix. i really love the way your words trip so sweetly by.

Answer 6

its really beautiful..u wrote on a different topic..it was good...you really are going to be someone really great(poet in my idea)...good going.