My husband has been through a lot in the last 2 years yaking care of his parents(they lived with us) and they both died within 2 years.He didnt want to get intimate cause of them or he was tired or the job strain always a reason.Okay now 2 years later he doesnt have job pressure his parents are not here and his health is good and he is 47 yrs old with just me and a 14 yr old at home.Sex is maybe 3 times a year.I talked and begged and tried everything and the last straw was last night we where alone all night since our son went away and guess what he said his stomach bothered him and as of 1135 this morning he is still in bed.I am so hurt and frustrated.Please advise!!!!
2007-09-23 04:38:01 · 33 answers · asked by karen e 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Crawl under his covers and initiate something.
If he rejects you, let him wake up and discuss your needs with him.
YOU married him for a reason...remember that reason and remind him your a woman and you have needs...just as he is a man that has needs.
Good luck !!!
2007-09-23 04:43:49 · answer #1 · answered by ? 4 · 2⤊ 3⤋
Lets look at this from his point of view! In the last two years, he has lost both parents, after taking care of them, and his family. He had to be the strong one when the first parent passed away, because he still had to take care of the surviving parent (which was harder because the surviving parent was also grieving)! He did not have time to grieve himself!
He then had the second parent pass away. Again he had to be the strong one, dealing with his family and the funeral arrangements and such! He then had to go right back to work, and back to a "normal life".
He has never had a chance to grieve his parents! He, most likely, is like most men, and feels that showing emotion is a sign of weakness! I can tell you for a fact that it is still bothering him. When my father died, I had to be there for my mother! When she died, I again had to be strong and although I was hurting, I did not show it! After a few months, I took a few days to myself (with my wife's understanding and approval) and went somewhere alone, where I could let my guard down and grieve!
You say he has no job pressure now, but I am sure that he does. It may be less, but if he is in the same job, there is still a residual effect from when he was taking care of his parents. If it is a different job, there are different stresses!
Last night he said he did not feel well! He was still in bed much later than normal. Have you ever thought that he might actually be sick? Or are you only focused on what you wanted?
Were you supportive during his taking care of his parents, or did you consider it to be a problem? When they died, were you saddened by the loss, or did you look at it as a relief that you did not have to deal with them any more?
Your husband needs your support, and needs to be able to grieve his losses. If you love him, you will be there for him, rather than everything being about you!
In answer to your question, you seem to be acting selfishly!
2007-09-23 06:51:29 · answer #2 · answered by fire4511 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds a little like he is depressed because even with all of this stuff gone he still hasn't snapped out of that rut. Taking care of parents, especially sick ones takes its toll, and now that isn't there he may feel like his life is empty. Can he talk with someone, or the two of you together go see someone and try to make progress that way. It may seem a littel ridiculous that two years later and he hasn't progressed at all, but losing both parents is very difficult for anyone to deal with. Talk with him and see if maybe he would be open to talking with someone. It does sound as if he is holding on to something and with your support maybe he can talk through. I wish my husband with talk with someone about his past a little because I know that the things that he does and says are a direct result of the painful things he has been through and while I have to reconcile the fact that I may not be the one to help him, I can only hope that there is someone who can. Don't give up on him yet...it is has been as many as 12 years for my husband and unless your husband deals with what is bothering him it will continue to haunt him ad your relationship. Try this and see where it goes, it won't be easy but I hope that it will be worth it. Good luck. You can email me if you need to talk anymore.
2007-09-23 04:58:18 · answer #3 · answered by superwmn315 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think he is depressed, that maybe the reason he has lost interest in everything before you give up why don't you take the time and reecieve some counselling together he might need help dealing with the passing of his parents and his depression, I know you feel angry and frustrated too i do not think you are selfish everyone holds the key to their hsppiness and you deserve to be hapilly married please do all these first and if he is not willing to budge then do what you have to at least you will leave knowing you tried.cheers
2007-09-23 05:01:25 · answer #4 · answered by Versacetica 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You've been sitting on the back burner for a minute, so let your husband know that he's taken care of everyone and everything but you. Also, is this just about sex? Is he a good husband and father otherwise? Does he give you attention in other ways?
If it's just about sex, then consider that maybe he has some issues for putting it off. Get honest...don't file for a divorce until you've talked it out and taken every avenue to work it out.
2007-09-23 04:55:27 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
I have been through the same thing and I know that you feel unattractive and unloved. The problem may be a physical one for him and a lot of men won't admit that they can't get it up or keep it up. Don't continue to feel like it is something to do with you. It is his problem, not yours. Sex is a vital part of a marriage and if you can't find a solution to this and get to the bottom of what is going on, so that you can help him, then you deserve someone who can fulfill your sexual needs. Divorce is not something to look at lightly, but if he refuses to seek help and sex is important to you, then try marriage counseling and maybe that would help. I so understand where you are coming from and you deserve to have a complete relationship. Good luck and I hope things improve for you, it is hard to be with someone who you feel doesn't love you or want you.
2007-09-23 04:44:54 · answer #6 · answered by mspicer0005 2 · 2⤊ 2⤋
The realistic view of being single at 47 years old is you spend a lot of time alone, and right now, you are having more sex than I. Consider what you will be loosing besides sex. There is more to life than it. God bless.
2007-09-23 05:15:54 · answer #7 · answered by A friend of Bill W 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm going to go out on a limb and say "get a boyfriend". Who cares. Divorce, talking, and worrying surely can't always be the answer. When you confront a spouse about disinterest or wrongdoing, they just deny or run from the issues. Been there done that.
If you divorce, you're not necessarily better off (especially if you're doing it on an internet dare).
Worrying only makes you mentally and physically ill. Stop focusing on someone who's not focusing on you. Worry about your own happiness and life and I BET he'll come back around. If not, you're still happy. Either way, you're happy.
I'm sure he's not losing any sleep obsessing over whether you're happy or not. At least it doesn't sound that way to me. Good Luck.
2007-09-23 04:57:34 · answer #8 · answered by Lesson Learned 2 · 0⤊ 3⤋
1st of all, I do not think you are selfish at all. However, I also don't think divorce is the answer... At least not yet. There could be many problems causing him to not want to have sex, medical, mental, emotional. I would try talking to him, if that doesn't work... ask if he will see a doctor, mabye it's physical. And if THAT doesn't work, marriage counsiling if he will go might work. If you try all three and still strike out... then yes maybe it would be time for a divorce. Good luck.
2007-09-23 04:51:59 · answer #9 · answered by Christine 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
You are NOT selfish...that is very unusual. Couples NEED that closeness. It is a natural part of a marriage.
There are 2 possibilities that he may be like this:
1) He is satisfying his needs with another.
2) It may be a health reason that he is not aware of.
Since he always has a reason not to, ask him to go to a doctor. If he wont, then he is not interested in fixing the problem that is so important to you. If he is not interested, it may be time to leave. Don't waste your life on someone who is not meeting you halfway.
2007-09-23 05:05:21 · answer #10 · answered by acksherly 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
tlk to him and explain that u understand wot he has been through but tell him that the marriage is suffering and that if u do not get the attention u need then u will have to leave. explain to him the importance of itimacy and give him the chance to tlk to u - tell him he needs to tlk to u if u hope to get over this. try to listen to him. your not being selfish at all - u need some love and attention , ur marriage cannot survive like this. Try marriage counseling, as he cud still be grieving. I really hope this helps, but if u still feel the same, then maybe it is time to move on
2007-09-23 05:45:24 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋