English Deutsch Français Italiano Español Português 繁體中文 Bahasa Indonesia Tiếng Việt ภาษาไทย
All categories

She sat on her sofa with tears falling down her cheeks. They formed a pool in the hollows of her eyes before splashing onto the photo below. The picture was of her and her beloved ex-boyfriend that left her at the height of their relationship for a reason that she did not know. With the last tear that she was going to cry, she whispered to her self; "I can't do this anymore." He had told her so many lies during their relationship. He told her that she was beautiful; that she was the best thing that happened to him; and that she was the only person that he wanted to be with the rest of his life. And she fell for all those lies. With all the memories that he left her with made her do nothing but cry. With all the things that they have been threw together, he had to leave it all behind for nothing. He made her feel like something for once in her life and now that he's gone, she thinks that she will never love again.

2007-09-23 04:34:48 · 23 answers · asked by Ashley M 1 in Arts & Humanities Books & Authors

(Continued)
No one will ever make her feel as great as she did then when she was with her latest boyfriend. He was the one for her, and she told him that. She tugged on her hair, sniffling, as she grabbed his last letter. She heard the bzzzzzzz of an engine driving down the street that sounded like his car. Was that him? Could that be him checking on her? Why could he not miss her as much as she missed him? But he never understood how much she loved him and what she would do for him. He never thought that she loved him as hard as she does.

2007-09-23 04:35:48 · update #1

(Continued)
And now that she is trying to forget the memories of them, he will never know that she felt the same for him that he felt for her. The real reason why he broke up with her is because he was too afraid. He was too afraid to be rejected by the one he loved the most. But she never knew that he felt this way towards her, but she will never know this because he will always be afraid to tell the love of his life the feelings that he has for her, and by the time he's able to tell her his feelings, she’ll be over him.

2007-09-23 04:36:20 · update #2

23 answers

your story is not very short. here is a sample of a very short story i received two weeks ago dealing with religion, sexuality and mystery. It got a grade of A+:

Dear God, I am pregnant; I wonder who did it.

2007-09-24 15:10:48 · answer #1 · answered by froy 2 · 0 1

First paragraph:

>>'Threw' in this case, is actually supposed to be written as through.
>> You also might want to try better word choice, i.e. 'cry' could be "weep" or 'sob'.
>>You could make 'tears falling down her cheeks' to 'tears trickling down her cheecks' or 'tears seeping down her cheecks'. Get what I mean by better word choice? But you already have some great descriptive words!
>>Try being little less repetious, and combining some sentences, you also have some unnecessary words in there.
>>Here's how your first paragraph could look, revised:

She sat on her sofa, tears trickling down her cheeks. They formed a pool in the hollows of her eyes before splashing onto the photo below. The picture was of her and her beloved ex-boyfriend--who left her at the height of their relationship for a reason she did not know. With the last tear slowly seeping down, she whispered to herself, "I can't do this anymore."
The sorrow girl now realized what she hadn't known before; he had been utterly deceitful with her, saying she was beautiful; the best thing that could have ever happened to him; that she was the only person he wanted to be with the rest of his life. And she fell for those convincing lies.
All the memories left behind made her do nothing but weep. They had been through so much together, and he had to leave it all behind for nothing. Recalling the incredible sensation he had made her feel--that she was something for once in her life--his parting made her deem that she will never love again.


>>The second paragraph is a little repetitive, you basically repeated what you had in the first sentence.
>>Also try using some other names for 'she' and 'he' and 'her' etc.
>>Your piece is amazing, and with just a little revision it will be perfect!

2007-09-23 04:55:35 · answer #2 · answered by Mocha-Cola Miroslava 2 · 1 0

Hi,
It's a really great piece of writing, the use of rhetorical questions and the elaborate descriptions is really great. My only criticism would be to vary your sentence openings, instead of starting every sentence with "he" and "she", for example in the first sentence you could write, "tears fell down her cheeks as she sat on the sofa". I know that's not a great example, but the sentences are good but you should change it so every sentence doesn't start with "he" or "she" or "the". "Lying on the ground she banged her fists against the floor only it caused her no pain" (I know it's not in context but that was just a example).

I think its a great story and you can really feel her hurt however, good luck! :)

2007-09-23 04:48:16 · answer #3 · answered by Jezzeekah! 1 · 0 0

check your puntuation and your use of grammer maybe start with " she sat on the sofa with the picture of her boyfriend, tears rolling down her cheeks." it just sounds a little better. Ohh yeah take out the line with the height of their relationship. Doesn't really make sense

2007-09-23 04:47:41 · answer #4 · answered by jasen s 2 · 0 0

It is a nice story but it would be better if you could shorten it by avoiding repetition. Your grammar also needs work, as well as your spelling. Also try to improve on your vocabulary by reading good authors. But if you enjoy writing, keep it up. You seem to have a talent for understanding feelings.

2007-09-23 04:53:05 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

The word threw should be through. Threw is for "I threw the ball". And ,further on in the story you say "forgetting the memories of them". I think maybe it should say forgetting the memories of HIM. Otherwise,sounds very personal.You or "she" will love again!

2007-09-23 04:55:44 · answer #6 · answered by Alice R 1 · 0 0

I think that is a very well written short story. The only thing you should change is "With alll the things thay they have been threw together...." Threw should be spelled as through.

Other than that, great story!!

2007-09-23 04:42:50 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

There is no love in the real senc in the modern world of pretention hypocracy and fast life. All that you can find is inftuation, which is mistaken for love by youngsters in particualr. All feelings and emotions are fleeting, temporary and that shall soon be either replaced or substituted by another. 'She' can find it amusing that how foolish was she to go after this guy, when she finds another guy, who is definitely going to be 'better' and better.............

2007-09-23 04:44:02 · answer #8 · answered by Dr. Girishkumar TS 6 · 0 0

I'd run it through spell check, there are a few spelling errors. But other than that...

It's kind of sad, it reminds me of what every single teenage girl feels after her first relationship ends. It reminded me of high school.

Which isn't a bad thing =].

2007-09-23 04:41:32 · answer #9 · answered by coeurdouxmignon 2 · 0 0

Not bad for a short story. Some of the grammar and spelling (threw should be through) should be corrected but all in all, not bad.

2007-09-23 04:42:25 · answer #10 · answered by LIGirl 3 · 1 0

fedest.com, questions and answers