How about this poem?

Question

Do they know how they look,
with sticks coming out of their mouths,
blowing smoke?
They are a human fire,
living on the things that will eventually put them out.
Thriving on death.
I hate to see them go this way.
So young,
so hopefull,
all dreams choked by clouds of nicotine.
They know it's wrong,
so why do it?
With each puff,
their lives lay dimolished on the sidewalk.
I watch as they die,
leaving their familys on the wayside.
Only carring about their sick pleasures.
Their youth falls in ashes,
and I can't stand it anymore.

This is for Elaine. I can not change war, I can not stop terrorists, I can not end famine or poverty, but I CAN end smoking in my school. Have you ever concidered that I KNOW people who smoke and that I'm SCARED for them? It's completly insensitive of you to rule out some people because they don't do REALLY bad thing! ANY life threatning issue should be addressed with the same concern, no matter hoow small it may SEEM!!!!!

Answer 1

Rachel, I like the challenge at the beginning. The description of "how they look" is pretty effective. I think the "dreams choked by clouds..." could be more than just a line. The whole idea of clouds of smoke might make a good metaphor for the whole inability to see how they look and the inability to see what's happening to them.

I don't know your friends, so I don't know if something this direct would make a difference to them. There are a couple of things to think about, but I think the real strength of the poem is the obvious fact that you have so much concern and so much energy in the wording of this poem. Even in the final line "and I can't stand it anymore" I can tell just how frustrated you are, and that might be the most effective way of showing how you feel.

I think it's nice that you use third person instead of second, so that it doesn't come across like a conversation, but more like an observation. It makes me form the mental image a little bit more, since I'm not a smoker. :)

Answer 2

To be honest it's a bit rubbish, what is the point in it? Are you trying to stop people smoking? I used to smoke and this would have just made me laugh. Are you upset because someone close has died of a smoking related illness? If so then anything that helps you mourn is good so yes if this helps you it is good.
I just don't think a lot of it makes much sense. Take little more time and refine it, say something else instead of sticks, they are not really on fire either, not all young, not all hope full, they don't all have dreams.

Answer 3

Three thousand die on 9/11,
The terrorists cheer and speak of heaven,
Thousands more die each and every day,
From war and famine, and still they pray,
And you complain of a cigarette,
Of a whiff of smoke you whine and fret,
Take but a glance at the world's real woes,
And you may see the insignificance of the fight you chose.

Answer 4

note on the added detail.
you cant stop war. you cant stop terrorists. you cant stop famine you cant stop poverty you cant stop smokers. you can tell them the facts, you can tell them they will die, tell them they will loose their voice, they will get cancer, that they are hurting second hand smokers more tham theirselves, will get emphysema. tell them what you want, tell them what ever you want. tell them to quit. tell them it would mean so much to you. tell whoever you want what ever ou want. they wont do anything unless they want to, unless they are diagnosed with cancer, unless they have the will power that over comes their addiction, they wont do anything about it. i breathe smoke every day. i have never touched the packaging of a cigarette. i beg my dad to quit every day. every day i worry that when i wake up, my dad never will. i race down the stairs each morning to make sure he is alive. he will prolly not live past 75-80. thats my prediction.... its horrible to have to worry about that. but no one who started will quit until they watch someone die, unless they have stronger will power than addiction. if only it was as easy as dont do it. or just stop. and everyone listened...

Answer 5

May they rest on their choices made
Though I admire what you said
You run your car cause war prevails
Your perfume boils on a labside bench
Your lipstick tolls on majestic whales
Why do you flay their nicotine stench?

Answer 6

It's ok, did you write it? I feel like your holding back a little, try a re-write with a little more passion, wait untill your extremely angry, or happy or irrate even, then pour your feeling onto the page!

Answer 7

HI think it is great free verse and gets your message across. However, please check your spelling and punctuation. Good job and well done!
If you feel this strongly about smoking, then take a stand and do something about it. You are creative and you can think of a way to help. Thanks.

Answer 8

yeah its okay but for some strange reason i feel like a cigarette....chlic chlic....ahhhh

Answer 9

it is okay I guess