what do you think of this?

Question

Dear Diary,
I saw him today,
His smile so warm,
It melts my heart.
I can't understand,
My feelings for him,
He's my best friend,
I know that from the start.
Our eyes met,
He waved his hand,
I smiled in return,
Hiding everything.
The day started,
Like any other day,
we laughed, told jokes,
Like it will be the last.
But one thing was extra special,
It's the way he treated me.
He carried my things,
And walked me home,
He held my hand,
Not wanting to let go.
I looked at him,
Searching for answers,
But what I saw,
Made me more puzzled.


uhm it's not yet finished but what do you think?

okay here's the continuation,

Dear diary,
He was different today,
He was smiling at me
As tears rolled down his face.
We arrived home,
And he bid goodbye,
I felt uneasy,
As if it means forever.
I opened my bag,
And saw a rose,
Attached to it,
A crumpled paper.
I read it carefully,
Every detail of it,
My heart was torn
As I read the last lines:
"I guess this is goodbye,"
Sorry for hiding it,
I will always love you,
And that's my promise to you."

Answer 1

very heartfelt atleast for me i almost cried. i liked it very much, you are very talented & against popular belief there are more than 1 type of poem.it doesn't have to rhyme you idiots.

Answer 2

I can see your intent and the depth of your feelings, but your form is closer to prose than poetry. You've chosen to use free verse, although there are a few lines that rhyme. This being the case, you need to look for the use of poetic devices, which you didn't use. What I mean is the use of metaphor, simile, even hyperbole...nothing. Additionally, your poem needs to be economical...it needs to say more with less and it needs to show more than tell. Right now, as observed by other reviewers, it reads more like a diary entry. If you choose to avoid metaphor, etc., then you need to use poetic form; open verse, rhyme, internal rhyme, etc. There has to be something "poetic" about what you write for it to be poetry...regardless of how much heart or passion you put into it.

however, you obviously have the will and the heart, so I'd suggest you study up a little on different poetic forms, then try your hand at them...and keep writing.

Answer 3

go to theNextBigWriter.com for a review, at least then you will retain publishing rights to it, as of now, it is worthless to you because you have partially published it here. I would be best to delete this question so that your able to perfect this (that is what the site is, a workshop for writers where you will find others that will help you perfect your writing to a fine art, but you must understand they will be honest to a brutal point, not to be cruel but to help you polish your skills, and it is the best site for that). What I have read here, it is good, but you should never generally post something like that outside of a true workshop environment. The workshop site I gave here has a price ($35 per year) but it is very well worth it. Plus you can build a great network of friends who will help you blossom in your skill as a poet, and/or writer.... good luck...

Answer 4

wow. thats pretty deep. it kind of sounds like a poem, but at the same time it dusnt. which is kind of cool. like it has meaning and soul put into it, yet would seem more interesting if it rhymed, i duno,... good job tho :) id never be able to write something like that. keep it up

Answer 5

This isn't a poem. What exactly makes you think it is? It really does just sound like a fragmented diary entry.

Answer 6

Well done, a little etcy, try relaxing your speech a little more though, try a re-write.

Answer 7

it sounds very contemporary... i like it

Answer 8

i like it.

Answer 9

that is really good!!