hi 20 years married dont know what happened?

Question

i have been married for 20 years and he had affair 3 years ago i did forgive him but made him suffer for a couple of years 5 weeks ago he just left me and said he does not love me like he should and he has gone to live with his mother i have since found out he has a friend that he goes round to on evening to talk to he says she is just a friend but i dont really believe him but my problem is i love him so much and i just cant get on with out him within 5 weeks he has asked for divorce and now our house has been sold and he is giving me everything profit wise to set up somewhere else i just dont understand what went wrong and how i can stop loving him like i do i thought he was my sole mate and i am just falling apart i know he does not want me but i need him so much and he is so cold toward me i really dont understand and need some help if anyone has been through something like this i would love some advice please i am just dying inside and need help to get through this

Answer 1

what went wrong was you trusted this jerk and loved him he isnt worth it i am sorry to say you can do better than that no matter the age . my opion?

Answer 2

It might sound very harsh but you have to accept some responsibilty for the affair he had, there much have been issues between you at the time that made him go elsewhere.

Ii could have been sex, you might have been arguing all the time whatever but there must have been an element of it where you were at fault.

(bear with me on this one)
The only way to move on after an affair is for you BOTH to accept you made mistakes and work together to put things right.
You can't torture the guy for two years, blame him100% and yet still be doing all those things that made his have an affair in the first place!

Yes, there is a time to be angry, maybe to spend some time apart but there's no way you should make him pay and suffer for such a long time as though it's you way at getting back at him, this isn't a game your playing, it's YOUR MARRAIGE.

To be honest, i think i would have gone too, he's found someone who he can connect to, talk to, understand him and not spend TWO YEARS punishing him for a mistake he made.

I think you'll be very lucky to get him back, everyone makes mistakes and you didn't give him a chance, you didn't see where you'd BOTH gone wrong so he had no where to go.

This woman might be just a friend and you still have a chance but you need to talk and tell him how you feel and how you want to put things right from both sides.

My wife had an affair and i had to accept i had also done things wrong too, it doesn't excuse her for what she did but it was the only way we could both save the marriage.
She broke my heart, i was devastated but i took time to see the bigger picture and what was more important.

Good luck, your going to need it.

Answer 3

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry to hear that. It does happen though. Sometimes it isn't meant to be. All that means for you though is that you had a good learning experience for when you DO meet the right one. Change is scary and I know you love him. Time is the only thing that can help you right now. That and being with caring friends. Maybe you could get a puppy? It sounds silly but animals really can help you get through hard times. A puppy would give you something to occupy your time and someone to give your love to. Maybe you could go stay with a friend, get a change of scenery. The thing to remember is that everything happens for a reason. A new door has been opened for you and you have to see where it leads. I ended a relationship I was in since I was 15. Believe me, I was scared! Talk about the unknown. And it was hard and there were times I thought about trying to get my "old life" back. But I didn't and now I'm glad because I'm SO much happier. It just took time.
Try not to be scared and good luck.

Answer 4

That's a long time to be with what you thought was a soul mate only to find that such feelings were not reciprocated.

It sounds like you need to consider some therapy. See out a good counselor. I'm not suggesting a psychiatrist, but a therapist. Someone who can help you work through what has happened in your life.

I don't hold out much hope for things getting back to normal here. He had an affair. Knowledge of this put a massive strain on the relationship, and it never recovered. It doesn't seem likely that things will magically correct themselves. So now you have to focus on you.

Answer 5

I am so sorry to hear of your sadness. However whilst you were living your life he has obviously been living a life of his own in which he had no space for you. My best advice is to take the money he has given you and just go and set up elsewhere and start a fresh life. I know that it sounds hard but surely that is easier than staying near him and watching him in his new life, imagine how you would feel seeing him with someone else. Time is a great healer. Hold your head up high and show him how strong you are - you never know he might actually see the person he fell in love with all those years ago and want you back. If not don't waste your life on 'what if's'. Good luck for the bright new future.

Answer 6

I am 62 and have been married for 40 years. I used to think the same thing. An interesting thing happens to you as you age. If you struggle through the tough parts and stick it out when sometimes you want to quit and leave, you discover that you are more attracted to her as she ages than you did when she was younger. I know that sounds stupid but it is true. When you are first married, it is all about lust and tearing each others clothes off, and that is the way it should be. As you get older, it is somewhat slower and more gentle. After forty years, you discover that you wouldn't change a thing about her, even her faults. First because it would be no fun living with a perfect woman if you weren't but secondly because you have grown so accustomed to her that you love her exactly as she is, faults and all. This is really going to sound weird. Whenever I see a really pretty young woman, my desire is to pat her on the head. Its not that I don't think she is attractive, its that I don't think of her as someone, I would want. If I had my choice between her or my wife, I really would chose my wife. I feel comfortable around my wife and I would be really uncomfortable being with that young pretty girl. So my statement to you is, relax, enjoy each stage of your life, as each stage has its own wonders. You won't miss the previous stage because you will be to involved in enjoying the stage you are in. The world works in wonderous ways.

Answer 7

The first thing you need to do is cry til the tears won't come anymore. Then you need to pick yourself up and go on. It will be the most difficult thing that you may have ever faced, but believe me, life goes on. You cant cling to this man thinking things will work out. You are better of without the cheating scum from hell. Pardon me, but this is your time to get yourself together and put your life back together. Talk it out with a close friend or an email buddy or anything. Don't try to hurt yourself, either! I have been through hurtful things like this, and believe me, there are other men out there. You may feel like giving up, but don't. There are other women who have been through this, lived to tell the tale, get on with their lives and start searching for happiness ALL OVER AGAIN. It will happen after the hurt and suffering subside. There is an old saying "Sorrow digs a pit in the heart but he is ignorant and does not know that he is making a pathway for joy to enter there. That is not the exact saying, but I was close. I will pray for you, I hope this gives you some comfort.

Answer 8

You marriage is not a game. You can't make people suffer and think that it is ok. When he cheated you had a choice, work it out or leave. You chose to stay. When you made the choice you have to move on and start a new section of your life. You can never go back only forward. It seems as though this one is over, if there is ever a next time you need to look back at this relationship and learn from it.
What you should be asking yourself is why he cheated to begin with. Men don't cheat unless they are unhappy.
Sorry.

Answer 9

Wow..... I really don't have any great words of wisdom to share with you. It sounds to me like things were falling apart 3 yrs ago. I think it took a strong person to forgive him but you said it yourself that you made him suffer after. You may have inadvertently pushed him further away. He has proven that he is serious about the break up, and was actually alot more generous than most in giving you the money to start over. I know it's going to be hard but you have to move on. Don't torture yourself with what ifs or holding out hope. Try to keep busy with things you enjoy. Get out as much as you can so you don't dwell on it. Surround yourself with friends and loved ones. I know it's not much, but I wish you all the best.

Answer 10

Well I'm sure that there are many reasons and I won't pretend to know what he is thinking but if he has gone as far as selling the house then that tells you he is serious about the situation... I know from experience that you can't make somebody love you no matter how hard you try.... I know it is very hard to deal with and at times you feel like you can't go on but somehow you seem to make it through another day.... i can tell you that the pain really never goes completely away but somehow you learn to deal with it and move on... that said you always feel like a little piece of you has died.... I am sorry I can offer you no real advice but I can truthfully say I do understand how you feel

Answer 11

Debbie I am so sorry to see this. I just think you have to try to pick yourself up and to start a new life as soon as possible. I know its not easy and easy for me to say this. I saw this happen with my brother and he just would not let go and it ruined his life and ours completely. Divorce and separation are the worst disease of modern society and cause so much unhappiness. Sex often seems to be the factor in divorce because lawyers are always asking "When did you last have sex together?" It seems if there is sex in the marriage it works but the moment it stops the marriage goes haywire. My mother always said "If you dont give your husband what he wants he will go and find it elsewhere"....I honestly think there is a lot of truth in that. I hope that it wont be long before you find someone special that will give you the love that you want. God bless.