My partner and I have been with each other for 31/2 years. I have always told him of my intentions to have children and I got the impression that he wanted to have children. After about a year, I started to talking to him seriously about children. He kept saying not yet we can't aford it, your not ready yet etc. After a while he then started saying after we get married and buy a house. After 3 years he proposed to me and we have bought a house. He set the wedding date for february next year.
Is he just doing what he thinks is the responsible thing to do? Is he really that ignorant that he can't see that this is killing me? or is he just trying to put it off for as long as possible because he doesn't want to have children?
I find it hard to believe that he doesn't know how badly I want children.
2007-09-22 18:57:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The best thing to do is to have a talk with him about it. You cannot marry a man that doesn't share or support your goals with you. It just doesn't work. Don't worry about sounding like a broken record when you repeat it to him during your talk, because it's something you really want for the both of you. If he doesn't agree, suggest you either postpone the marriage until he decides to stand together on the idea of having children, or cut off the engagement.
2007-09-22 19:05:35 · answer #1 · answered by Stephy B. 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you truly want to be a parent, you're going to have to understand what parenting is all about it: it takes two people to conceive but it also takes two people to raise a child. Within marriage. There is a financial cost to having children. It is a family you are talking about with your partner, not some toys you've always wanted, not some items. Who will support you and these children you want? If the answer is - you, and you only, then I urge you to run out to the nearest bar and have a one-night stand, get knocked up by whomever crosses your path, and then you worry about everything from the cost of prenatal vitamins to the cost of day care when you have to start working to feed yourself and the brood you are aiming to acquire.
Think too of getting your own place and paying rent. Think about insurance and transportation. Think about finding your way through the system of social service agencies because you are going to need them.
If you instead want to marry this man who is your partner because you love him and you respect the responsibility he is willing to take on to be the father of the children you two will have together, then you have to let him plan the timetable for that. Why? Because he has concerns about the cost of raising children, he has shown interest in having financial stability. I hope you've been working hard and contributing to the cost and upkeep of the house you two bought. Having a roof over your head for your family is something this guy took the time to think about.
Yes, the answer to your question is: yes, he's doing what he thinks is the responsible thing to do. Whatever is 'killing you' has to take a back seat to the all the 'responsible things to do' that need to be done. At home, your parents took care of that and it was all smoke and mirrors if you have no appreciation of that.
If you happened to have been raised by a single mother making do with whatever government assistance she could get, then you understandably lack appreciation of all the things that make a home stable. If you really don't care and that's what you want, go to a bar and meet some guy and get pregnant on your own timetable.
2007-09-23 02:14:15 · answer #2 · answered by kathyw 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to have a straight up conversation with him about whether or not he for sure wants kids. Otherwise, I wouldn't get married just yet. Went through a similar thing with a 7 year relationship, then got a final answer of "no" and had to leave him to move on because I really really wanted a family. Don't commit for life if its that important to you - and as far as planning - no matter what you do you are never really "ready" so that's an excuse. Don't wait forever if you really want kids, and he does, why wait ? I wish I would have had my son sooner, he is the best thing ever, don't know what I did to deserve such a sweet baby.
2007-09-23 02:02:55 · answer #3 · answered by Sweetness 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Hey... as the woman you have all the control in contraception. Saying "no" will not keep you from conceiving if he won't take responsibility and wear a rubber.
You've been living with him for 3-1/2 years... it has taken this long to plan a wedding? I say the ball is in your court.
2007-09-23 03:11:56 · answer #4 · answered by revsuzanne 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he intended to marry you, and even bought a house for the both of you then i believe he would also love to have children running, laughing & playing with you together in your home.
Like most men I believe he wanted things to be stable and well provided when the children comes. Communicate also what it is you desire, let him know men are not mind reader.
2007-09-23 03:13:25 · answer #5 · answered by missmq 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, are you really so selfishly ignorant to think that your 'need' no your want to have children is so powerful that it can surpass all reason, rational and means to survive? It sounds like he's trying to be responsible while you're just living like an animal with your biological desire to have children. You probably don't even love the guy, you just need a father figure for your children. Why else would you be so bitter and callous with his choices in life?
2007-09-23 02:04:08 · answer #6 · answered by skunk pie 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Lets see, if you get pregnant now you could be five month pregnant when you walk down the isle....why would you want to do that?
Better yet, why would you NOT want to do the responsible thing...the thing that is best for your child. Maybe he just has morals, though you should probably know what his morals are if you are going to marry him.
2007-09-23 02:03:20 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
So far he has called all the shots and there is no indication that it will stop after you are married. I wouldn't say he was ignorant at all, I would say he knows how to shut you up.
2007-09-23 02:01:47 · answer #8 · answered by drewxjacobs 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You need to communicate your questions to him. Obviously you're NOT communicating otherwise you would be talking to HIM about this rather than here.
2007-09-23 02:38:14 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋