I have known my wife for 9 years nows been with her for 5 and married for 2 1/2. I have spent most of the 5 years trying to prove to her that she can trust me because she has been cheated on many times in her past. After our wedding she came to work at my office and the 2 of us because very close friends with another couple that works there, he happens to be her boss. I found out 2 days ago that 8 months ago she slept with him at his house. Our 2 families were so close we spent most weekends together doing the "friends" thing, shopping, site seeing, vacationing. She is very regretful and has spent the last 2 days asking for my forgiveness and crying. If I can eventually forgive her (will be incredibly hard) is it ever possible to trust her again? I do not want marriage were I am constantly checking emails looking at phone records and don't have other couple friends because of the constant reminder of what she did. Can anyone give me some mature advide? Thank you.
2007-09-22 16:18:17 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If it is going to work, and you want to take her back, you will have to really, truly forgive her.
I have had experience with this. Most likely she will cheat again if she believes you expect her to cheat or check up on her as if she would be cheating. Showing her that you forgive her will show her how much you really do love her and can make your marriage stronger than it was.
Women don't generally cheat for sexual reasons. They are looking for attention or another need that is not being fulfilled in the marriage. If you invade her privacy and are distrustful of her, she will find out and it will really, really hurt her. If you love her and want to try again you have to give her a true second chance and not blame her or make her feel guilty about what happened. The guilt will end up driving her away if she doesn't feel like you have truly forgiven her.
2007-09-22 16:42:16 · answer #1 · answered by Shelley 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes you can recover but it will take work on her part she would have to be open to you completely for a while, you need to ask yourself is this woman the one i love ABSOLUTELY to stay with her no matter what can you forgive her? are you willing to start this on a clean slate? I think it is still fresh and so you cannot answer those questions right now get some counselling together because there might have being some issues in your marriage that made her stray ( not approving of what she did) But i understand how a woman feels when she has being constantly dissapointed by men how it can affect her relationship in bad times if you can forgive her work onn these issues together if you know that this will always bother you, change your feelings about her then you might have to walk away you know yourself better dude just take your time on this so you do not make a decision you regret. cheers
2007-09-22 16:35:06 · answer #2 · answered by Versacetica 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi,
Im sorry you have to deal with this. You have gotten a lot of mixed messages here... It seems that anyone who has ever gotten cheated on is going to tell you to not forgive and just leave her and anyone who has cheated will tell you to let it go. Well cheating I have come to discover isn't the problem itself, rather a symptom of a deeper underlying issue.
At this point, you shouldn't be concerned with whether or not you can forgive... You should be more concerned with finding the root of the problem.
Like someone else said, a lot of people do it because of low self esteem and affairs make them feel good about themselves for the time being. A lot of the time it is due to marital issues... most women cheat because they lack something in the emotional department (im not at all suggesting you don't provide the emotional support she needs, just an example), whatever it is, your first step is to identify the problem and see if that is fixable.
As far as forgiveness, lets think religously for a second here... We all know adultery isn't exactly on top of the good list... But we also know that we were told to forgive. Jesus himself said "He who is without sin, cast the first stone" and I don't recall a stone being thrown. So regardless of the outcome, forgive as that is the best way for your spirit. No one would expect you to be able to trust her right away, but as does everything, time will fix that.
Best of luck to you
2007-09-22 17:12:49 · answer #3 · answered by peachpop 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Think about it like this sometimes the marriage is the mistake and sometimes the divorce is the mistake. Which one will you regret more?
If you forgive her, you cannot throw it in her face, everytime you have a fight about something. Whether or not you believe this, she is the one that has to live with this regret the rest of her life. My friend did this to her husband and begs God for forgiveness everyday. Her husband throws it in her face all the time, and it eventually has effected their kids. Don't live like these two. Nobody is perfect, not everyone cheats, but if she has learned her lesson, it could make your marriage stronger than ever before. Something led her to do this, obviously you need to talk about what she was going through that led her to do this. The she was cheated on so many times, isn't going to cut it now. Be the bigger person, let it go, she would not have told you if she didn't love you. Please don't give up too quickly, but only you know what is best for you. Goodluck!
2007-09-22 16:38:43 · answer #4 · answered by Peng-you 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I'm really sorry about your problem. it is so hard and very complex, as I can see you seem like you want to stay with her that is the first thing that has to be clear once you make that decision you have to work hard to really forget about it but sincerely I think that when there is infidelity in a couple is because there is no love so or what did you do wrong to make her do that? forget about what people say about cheaters, focuss on what YOU really want and if you find out you want to be with her get some counseling and work really hard and be prepared!! is gonna be so hard and it will work soo slowly but if you both give the best of you you will be ok. I wish you the best Good luck .. P.D. if you find you are ansios looking for clues all the time give up. that is no life
2007-09-22 16:38:46 · answer #5 · answered by sambabe 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is good to have close friends but a married couple should spend most of their free time with each other; perhaps you spent too much time with the other couple and too little time with each other. If you decide to give your wife another chance, remind her that if she has nothing to hide, she will hide nothing. Regaining your trust will take time; possibly a long time. She should be willing to do whatever you need for her to do for as long as you need her to do it if you have any chance of learning to forgive her and trust her again. She needs to hear you say how much she has hurt you as many times as you need to say it! She needs to acknowledge what she did and own the damage it has done to your marriage. Until all that happens, the healing will not take place. And back off, way off, from the other couple!!!
2007-09-22 16:31:22 · answer #6 · answered by missingora 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is difficult to give advice on this situation because you are the one who has to live with your decision. Can you trust her again? If you choose to. My brother was in a similar situation two years ago. However, his wife actually ran away with his best friend. He wanted to work it out, but realized that she would do it again if he took her back. However, everyone is different. Perhaps you and she should first discuss why she cheated. This may help you figure out if this is a one time mistake or a way of life. In my sister-in-laws case, she prefered men of a different race than my brother. she also stated she was bored and tired of being a mother. These were things that couldn't be changed. It's funny my brother spent 9 years trying to prove he was the kind of man who would be there for her, but never asked himself if she was the kind of woman who would be there for him.
2007-09-22 16:35:00 · answer #7 · answered by adventure30 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Shoe on the other foot here hmmmm.
You will check her email's , you'll check her phone call history on her cell phone when she think's your not , you'll watch her more closely , I was told men forgive a lot easier then women do when it come's to cheating , but I dont believe this I believe the same pain , mis-trust , betrayal feeling's stand for men as do for women.
Its going to be a long road for you , she was cheated on by a previous spouse so she some how believe's that what she did was justified wether she choose's to believe it or not.
Do you have the strength for this long battle with your emotions? if no , then I'm sorry you have to show her 2 wrong's dont make a right especially when you werent the 1 who cheated on her in the 1st place.Good luck.
2007-09-22 17:08:03 · answer #8 · answered by JadeyOz 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your story is very scary. The lack of remorse that your wife has is chilling, really. Do you know who you married? Not only has she been able to boldly go into work and face everyone after screwing the boss, but she also is able to hang out with his family and wife and face you, God, and everyone else, like all is well and nothing happened. I really don't believe in my heart that your relationship could ever be the same and I don't believe that you will ever get over this (not if you're normal). She's not normal, I'm sorry to say.
2007-09-22 19:49:29 · answer #9 · answered by Sondra 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To be honest with you, this is a sticky situation. I'm not sure if you are ready to decide whether or not to forgive her, but if you do, you must be ready to put this in the past. I know, I know, easier said than done. The only way you will be able to trust her again is by moving on from the hurt you felt when when you found out she cheated. Once you do this, you will be willing to open yourself up to her again without feeling vulnerable.
2007-09-22 16:29:56 · answer #10 · answered by MissBossy 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋