A Place Called Zalem
By Semper Fi Reborn 9/22/07
Have you ever journeyed,
To a place called Zalem.
Where everyone has an open mind.
Where love and understanding,
Are never far behind.
Where a man named Jack will be humble,
Quella Bella makes sure you aren't bored.
Pascal is armed with the hugs,
Smiley faces are passed out by George.
Yes here in the city of Zalem,
You can be friends with all those who dwell.
For in the city of Zalem,
Love is alive, and doing quite well!
2007-09-22 15:59:49 · 10 answers · asked by Semp-listic! 7 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Daniel D., this poem is a mere ditty for some of my friends here. Your critique is appreciated but not necessary. My other works far outshine this one. I, too am a poet for many years. I just choose to be humble. It tastes better.
2007-09-22 16:20:28 · update #1
VERY COOL!!!!
2007-09-22 16:08:55 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 11⤊ 0⤋
This is the second poem I have read today and I have to say that I am surprised, they both were good! I usually avoid poetry because it is rare that I find a poem I like. Finding a good poem for me is like finding "a diamond in the ruft". Good Job. But I do have to be honest, although I don't agree with Daniel D. entirely it have been better if you included some imagery and/or more poetic dynamics. I'm not a poet so I don't know the correct terminology.
2007-09-22 23:30:23 · answer #2 · answered by lil_bit 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
it's okay. However, to be frank with you, it sounds like it was written by a third grader. I don't know what you think zalem is, and i don't either. Is it an allusion to the popular egyptian-arabian play? I 'm pretty sure that the names have something to do with the special children that you teach. I don't like it. Bring some depth into it. Throw in a simile or metaphor or personification.
"Zalem is a beautiful place."
Use some descriptive words to describe zalem. Have you never heard of imagery. 'Zalem is the land of flowing water and vibrant flower'.
Lastly try to not use names to ryhme. It's not very professional.
The line that says, "Pascal is armed with the hugs." is a beutifully written one. It very good usage of a strong verb. The poem is elementary but with a little editing it could be something great. I hope that you use my constructive criticism and show me the improved version. Good luck!
2007-09-22 23:14:39 · answer #3 · answered by Daniel D 2 · 0⤊ 4⤋
I love it; it;s a really special place where people love to visit; to see all the friends; and learn things and get great poetry,,,Thanks for sharing SemperFi Reborn... Shelly
2007-09-22 23:16:19 · answer #4 · answered by Cami lives 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
So far your poetry has been 100% with me Semper.
Blessings.
2007-09-22 23:50:29 · answer #5 · answered by ? 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
such a lovely fantasy place
2007-09-22 23:06:06 · answer #6 · answered by Colleen B 2 · 5⤊ 0⤋
It's really beautiful!
2007-09-22 23:07:30 · answer #7 · answered by c-girl 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I have. in my dreams, you just put into words. you are anointed my brother. thank you
2007-09-22 23:14:17 · answer #8 · answered by KARMA IS IT THOU? 7 · 5⤊ 0⤋
its uplifting. nice job, i like it!
2007-09-22 23:04:23 · answer #9 · answered by "ThE BiG SaNd" 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
i like it!..dig it
2007-09-22 23:02:18 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋