When relatives try to spank your kids?

Question

Our baby is 13 months old. We went to Grandma's house and she was reaching for newspaper. My brother slapped her hand- hard. He did't take the paper away or remove her. I was making a salad and the husband and uncle were watching her.

Yes, I am angry and told him we don't spank. We have an 11 year old with autism and spanking him only made the problem worse, so we used other methods which work well. He is really well behaved. The rules are firm, the consequences are in place. For time out, he sits, we talk, and he makes it right again. It works.

My parents both support us. They had said that they didn't think raising children could be done without spanking but we have shown them otherwise. My brother has no children and disagrees completely.

I am really annoyed at my brother and told him not to do it again. He said every kid deserves a good slap from time to time.

It will happen again. How do I talk to them and make it known that we do not spank?

I worry that it is going to happen again- and I know it will. If they are doing something they are not suppossed to do, we are on them. My husband was moving the newspaper and my brother leaned over and cracked her hand- holding her hand in one hand and slapping her with the other. I was furious. She is only 13 months old! I could see this from the kitchen island where I was helping my mom with dinner.

I spelled it out for him and he was upset too- that it's ridiculous. No it's not. We do a lot of work with our kids and both are well behaved. I was stunned that he didn't simply remove the paper. Good Lord- slapping like this over newspaper- what about something more serious???

My husband and I have no answers- other than not to go there when he is there. That's not an option though. He lives there. So, how to manage this with family when they don't all necessarily agree and do it in such a way as to keep peace?

Actually JTL, he does have bad influences- he does go outside to play with the kids in the neighborhood. He has been in therapy since he was 18 months of age. He is in school- and in classes that are modified- inclusion classes. He knows what we expect, we are firm, we use consequences. The baby too- is removed from a situation and she will stamp her feet- still, she is removed and told a firm, "No." It can be done without spanking.

I am a teacher in a really rough area. I cannot spank the children in my class and they come in with all sorts of behavioral issues. They change using the same practices used at home. It does work, and it can work, but you have to work with them.

He is 29, just broke up with his fiancee and living back at home with my parents.

Answer 1

YOU are your children's parents, and what YOU say go. Just sit down with your brother and be firm. When he has a child, he can have a say in how to raise and discipline them.

Also, children do not "deserve" to be slapped. You (general you) might choose to use it as a discipline measure, but it shouldn't be just because they haven't had one in awhile!

Answer 2

She is YOUR daughter, and only you and your husband have a say in how she is raised. Your brother has no clue what he's talking about - he doesn't even have kids! I have a well - behaved child who has learned the rules without ever getting spanked, so you are right that there are other forms of discipline. I give your husband credit for not jumping up and popping your brother right in the nose - that's probably what I would have done if I saw someone hit my child! Anyway, tell your brother the rules. He has no right to hit your child, and if he does it again, I'd call the police and press charges because nobody has the right to spank a child without the parent's permission. Obviously, if it escalates to that point and he can't respect your wishes, I say tell Uncle Iron Fist he's not going to spend time with the kids anymore.

Answer 3

Even if you did agree with a little light spanking when family was in charge that is a heck of a lot different than whacking a little baby's arm!

It sounds like your brother was being defensive possibly? that's the only reason I could think he would get so agressive, I mean, he reprimanded her & then in public, the whole lot of you attacked his way of doing it...

I suspect if it was dealt with differently, maybe you or your parents taking him aside and quickly & quietly explaining that you'd rather not have her hit as a form of punishment. Maybe it would have been responded to (by him) differently.

Maybe not...but possibly so.

After things have cooled off a bit over the next few days, maybe you can invite your brother out for a causal beer at your place when your hubby has the children (out of the house) & then you 2 can have a heart to heart.

I mean, he feels this way (perhaps) because you were both raised this way...& as you say, he doesn't have kids so he unlike you doesn't get to see how spanking works or doesn't work.

he only has his own experience.

Ask him, if he's not too sore about the memory of this dinner to provide a different way of how he could have handled the situation--unfortunetly not having kids--also means he doesn't always know how to deal with children. OR your children.

Forget everything that was said in anger--his words of "Every kid deserves a good slap from time to time" & your philosophy for the moment.

Just try to reconnect with your brother & ask him if he thinks he would be able to spend some time with you & your daughter just to get used to her.

Your other little guy is autistic right? So he requires a whole other set of rules & regulations & care.

Chances are, and to be fair to you--your little kid is only 13 months--and if she's not austic, she may lend her own special brand of attitudes to you.

Maybe at this stage of her life, her uncle isn't necessairly a good care giver, but maybe at another part of her life he will be.

Meanwhile, it sounds like your family is close and this is a difficult situation that probably has a solution when everyone is calmer?

Answer 4

This is a tough one. We also don't spank. We have 3- 8, 6, and our youngest is now just 12 months. I have always found with our oldest son that by the time we got to spank- I was angry. Not good for discipline so we made a decision to stop.

I would talk to your brother and let him know your rules. As someone else said, your children are not community property. If they need discipline you are right there to be the one to do it.

I would also caution you on this. My parents don't agree with our mode of discipline though they do agree that they are very well behaved children- much more so than my sister's kids are are slapped and spanked at random. I would just caution you because it can be touchy.

Answer 5

I would be LIVID if I were in your shoes. Not to be too redundant, but I agree, even if I DID choose to use spanking as a method of punishment (which I don't) it would be MY choice, and MY hand. No one has the right to discipline or moreover, punish, a child that isn't theirs. (Obvious exceptions of if there is a real danger involved)

As hard as it is, I would have to tell my brother that if he can't respect my rules and my parenting choices - especially one as big as hitting - then he won't be able to see the child. If it were something like giving the kid candy when I asked him not to, well, I'd talk to him and remind him to please not do that, but hitting, that's out of the question.

I think the previous poster had some good tips re: cooling off and talking to him & spending time seeing how the child behaves and responds to your brand of discipline. Hopefully that will work and you won't have to get hardline with him.

Good luck, it's so hard dealing with these situations with family.

Answer 6

I think the logical thing most people would say is just don't be around your brother if he's not going to respect your decisions as a parent. However this is reality and you shouldn't have to restrict your contact with your family no matter what their views are. Just as you would with your children you need to set up appropriate boundaries with your brother. My suggestion would be for you to make arrangements to meet with him outside your parents home. Let him know that this situation is bothering you and you feel it is necessary for you to clear the air so that it doesn't cause conflict in the family. Let him know you are not there to debate his point of view or argue but you need to make it perfectly clear that as the parents of these children you set the rules of how they will be disciplined and you ask that he respect this. It is you and your husbands responsibility to discipline the children. Let him know what he can do if he feels the kids are being inappropriate. i.e. tell you, remove objects, etc. I would probably ask him if he were out somewhere or at someone else's home would he take it upon himself to do the same thing. Again reinforce that it is your responsibility as their parents to correct the children and if he had his own you would do the same. I would also mention again that you are addressing this issue because you feel very strongly that he over stepped his boundaries and you do not want to feel like you can not visit because of this issue. Best of luck!

Answer 7

Tell your brother he deserves a good smack and see how he would feel about it! You sit down and you tell him that you don't believe in smacking, or spanking a child for ANY reason, and if he has a problem with the way your child is acting he should come to YOU and not take matters into his own hands, and if he doesn't have enough self control to do that, then he doesn't need to be around her for awhile. Your brother should respect and support how you are raising your own child, and if he doesn't, you should tell him how upset that makes you feel.

Answer 8

Invite the grandparents (without Mr. Uncle Spanky) over to your house. My family knows that I'm the only one who can spank to discipline my child if I so choose too, which I very rarely do because it is not necessary. I'm shocked that your brother would do that. Slap him back, maybe he'll stop!

Answer 9

Hello,, you did not say how old your brother is, if he is older then say 16 yrs old ,perhaps a little cattle prod on his *** would give him the proper thinking processes, pepper spray , choke hold, kick his butt yourself. Be careful I'm just kidding. Stay away from there until you know your child has grown out of the grabbing stage.

Answer 10

Stop allowing your brother to be around your children. My mother tried that once, and I didn't speak to her for weeks.

Even if you did agree with spanking, your child is not community property for just anyone to smack around.

Edit: I just saw the piece you added.

This might sound stupid, but tell your brother that the next time he touches your kid, you're going to smack him. See how he likes it.

Also, if he tries again, take your child and leave the room.