I regret what I did and am truly sorry for hurting him. How can I get him to understand that? I want nothing more than for him to forgive me and still love me. I hate my self for doing it.
2007-09-22 08:40:32 · 11 answers · asked by dragonfli 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You cannot make him forgive you, nor can you make him forget. Forgiveness is earned. Only he will be able to decide if he can forgive you, right after discovery, there maybe to much pain and anger to get to that point. It is possible, but it will take effort from both of you.
But, you can work to rebuild the trust that you damaged. Let him see the change in you, how you are going to protect yourself from falling into that kind of behavior again. Your 'words' don't mean much right now, as he feels betrayed. He feels like you didn't consider hurting him during your affair, so why now? He might feel that simple things, like you telling him you love him feel tainted. Give him time and keep offering him reassurance.
He may not trust you for some time. It's not a nice place for him to be either. Let him SEE that you are not deceiving him anymore. Give him full access to any form of communication you have, emails, voice mail, cell records, you name it. Yeh, I know it's not fun living under the microscope, but you are the one who damaged the trust and it's up to you to earn it back and help your husband feel comfortable with you again. Be accountable for your time and let him know if anything changes. Most likely, your affair involved some deception about your whereabouts. Let him see that you are no longer in contact with the other man. That means NO contact, your husband will not be comfortable with any 'friendship'. If you work with the other man, then consider finding another job and until then, be sure not to have any personal contact other than strictly work with this man. Let your husband know if you accidentally bump into this man or if he makes unwanted contact with you. The last thing you want is for your husband to find out from some other way. Any deception he finds you in will set back rebuilding trust.
Take full responsibility for your choice to have an affair. Regardless of any problems within the relationship, there were other choices of productive ways to improve things. Nothing makes a betrayed spouse what to run more than being made to feel like it was their fault.
Work on building stronger personal boundaries to protect yourself and your marriage from outside temptations. Your husband needs to see that you have a plan to prevent this from happening again, not just words, as you didn't stop your affair. What can you do in interacting with men in the earliest stages to prevent things from going in the wrong direction?
Keep telling him you love him, even if he doesn't believe you. Use other words if need be. Just keep showing him. Have patience and answer his questions with compassionate honesty. This is a severe emotional trauma for a betrayed spouse. It's hard on the self esteem, and one goes through a roller coaster of emotions. Shock, sadness, anger,,,all over the place! He needs to heal and YOU are the best person to help him through this.
Resources
A few good books:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass
“Surviving an affair” by Dr. W. Harley
“After the Affair” by Springs
A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/
A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
http://peterfox.com.au/index.html
A few good support forums for those dealing with infidelity. Lots of helpful people who have been through this trauma.
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
http://survivinginfidelity.com/
An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/
Some marriage weekend programs:
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html
2007-09-22 09:16:56 · answer #1 · answered by joyh 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dragonfly, it will certainly take some time in order to regain the trust that you most certainly lost from your husband. Just because this is what you want doesn't mean that it will happen that way. I'm certain that your all your husband wanted when he married you was for you to be faithful and his goal wasn't reached. Perhaps some form of couples or relationship counselling may help but I still believe that time is the greatest healer and with it some forgiveness may follow. Doubt very much he will ever forget but he may eventually come to forgive with time.
2007-09-22 15:50:51 · answer #2 · answered by crazylegs 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry, but your husband may not be able to forgive you. Being sorry is one thing but meaning it is another. I had cheated on my first husband and now am sorry for being so stupid for cheating. We are now divorced and I am now married to another man and there is no way that I will ever tell the man that I am now married to. He does not approve of cheating and he would probably not trust me again. I learned my lesson. My ex never did forgive me or trust me again. We did not get divorced because of the cheating. Your husband may never really be able to forgive you completely and I am sorry about that. It is a very hard thing to do when it comes to forgiving someone for cheating.
2007-09-22 16:00:11 · answer #3 · answered by Nancy M 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry sweets. Cheating on a spouse is the ultimate betrayal. You broke your promise that you made him. He may never forgive you and if he does it will never be the same. Actions speak louder then words.
2007-09-22 16:02:41 · answer #4 · answered by Bride2Be 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My wife did the same thing. It hurt terribly until one day.
She walked into our bedroom with a wooden spoon. Handed me the spoon. Dropped her pants and panties and laid in my lap and told me she deserved a spanking because she acted like a two year old and would I please spank her.
So I did and she didn't sit comfortably for about 2 days.
I recommend doing something on the same order. I guarantee it will work and your marriage will be stronger for it.
Oh by the way, the inciedent I told you about above happened 18 years ago after 12 years of marriage. Next June we are celebrating 30 years together.
2007-09-22 15:52:23 · answer #5 · answered by mikeae 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
uhh i think that it will take soo much because it hurts a persons self a steem when a partner cheats or whatever makes them feel not good enough when really its the other way around
2007-09-22 15:50:32 · answer #6 · answered by love_lost 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Actions speak louder than words. You are going to have to work very hard every single day to show him that he can trust you.
2007-09-22 15:48:57 · answer #7 · answered by Royalhinney 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry for you. It may not be possible.
2007-09-22 15:48:07 · answer #8 · answered by sef567 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
"I'm sorry, I was weak. But I came back to you, I learned my lesson, and I won't do it again."
A real man would hug you, accept the apology and hold no grudges.
2007-09-22 16:36:56 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 4⤋
IF YOU ARE TRUTHFULLY AND DEEPLY REGRETFUL FOR YOUR UNFORGIVABLE AND INHUMANE MISCONDUCTS.
WHY DON'T YOU AND YOUR FAMILY KNEEL-DOWN AND ASK FOR PARDONS IN PERSON/S YOURSELVES INSTEAD OF ASKING FOR OTHERS PEOPLE IDEAS. YOU DON'T HAVE ANY REMORSE, DO YOU?
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2007-09-22 15:58:31 · answer #10 · answered by Dongfeng!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋