A Poem - Does It Need Improving?

Question

I am stoned
by the reckless word
as in ancient times
and no one has heard

People looked
as the deed was hushed
they chose not to see
and I lay here crushed

This penance
for acts long ago
a sentence so harsh
I am forced to know

Oh Yahweh
your wisdom impart
the secret to heal
my pounded heart

Answer 1

AWESOME POEM!!!

I might suggest iambic pentameter, as a enhancement; but it is NOT necessary in my opinion.

For readers who don't know: "Iambic Pentameter" is the building block of about two-thirds of Medieval and Renaissance English poetry.

Iambic pentameter itself is a rhythmical pattern of syllables.

The "iambic" part means that the rhythm goes from an unstressed syllable to a stressed one, as happens in words like divine, caress, bizarre, and delight.

It sounds sort of like a heartbeat: daDUM, daDUM, daDUM.

Each iambic unit is called a foot (the term foot is also applied to other rhythmical units, such as trochaic [DUMda], dactyllic [DUMdada], and anapest [dadaDUM]).

The "pentameter" part means that this iambic rhythm is repeated five times, or has five feet: daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM[da].

( PENTA meaning five ... "PENTAmeter", or 5 meters, is like "PENTAgon", a 5 sided bldg; and "PENTAcost" meaning 50 days after the passover)

I say that for future feference, for any Yahoos who are thinking of writing poems too.

Great poem Marguerite!!! Touching! Wise.

No need to perfect this poem, in my humble opinion...it is WONDERFULLY MADE, as you are!

God loves you Marguerite, and inspires you!!!

Follow your OWN instincts.

good work

Answer 2

Well, at least the couplets are a natural outgrowth of the poem.

It's vague while pretending to be meaningful.

Something tells me there is a definite story underneath this. My poetry mentor would say to let the rails that the poem rides on show, meaning write what this is really about: you trying to come to terms/write about a painful experience. Not only will the writing become part fo the healing process, you will have a much better poem come out of it.

And it doesn't have to rhyme neither.

Answer 3

Hi M,

Yes, nice work.

My feelings are that it needs to be tightened up a little - just a little. Drop the 'has' from your 4th line. It's not necessary. Then, line 8, use 'there' not 'here'. Put 'so' before 'long' in line 10, then substitute 'too' for 'so' in line 11.

'Pounded' seems too banal...hearts pound all day. You need a stronger and more evocative adjective there M.

Good job though...keep it up.

Thanks again and take care,

Jim

Answer 4

I like the meaning behind the words, I see more that's not being said. The pattern is a little stiff, almost set in stone. What would you call it? The third time I read it I see the pattern is needed to hold the meaning.

Answer 5

I view poetry simply by fact the expression of unfastened spirits questioning approximately conventional subject concerns, no count if or no longer they're inspired by ability of religion or by ability of profound secular theory transcending many times happening realities. i could pick to point you examine a poem by ability of William Blake "Tiger", beginning with "Tiger, tiger burning shiny ...." the 1st stanza on my own introduces a metaphysical question from which the poet by no ability departs. you will locate it on the information superhighway or i could desire to deliver it to you in case you pick. What I see expresses your deep and probably non secular sensitivity, and it may be astonishing if the international adhered to 3 of your recommendations. yet in my view that's no longer lifelike as there is not any area for human nature as that's, even at its superb. What I see is a catalogue of do no longer and SHALL no longer, and poets are human, no longer saints. You intimate "do no longer try this and that utilising words alongside with, mock/ridicule, envy, disrespect, accuse, do no longer declare ... companion. in the different case, "WORSHIP fellow poets/do no longer placed your self above different poets etc." i presumed one worshipped basically God after all, and a good style of poets previous and present are intellectually a strategies above others. i'm hoping you spot my element and don't regard this as a poetic complaint of any form. that's with deep understand for somebody such as you that I took the liberty of expressing my reactions to what you have written.

Answer 6

Hi Marguerite,

I liked Ur poem, it is perfect! So do not despair, continue writing..
i see that there is alot of improvement, with each poem that you write.

Take care & good luck..

Answer 7

good poem, never let anyone get you down because they dislike your art, people are jealous, and all they want is to to feel so much better than someone else and to try to get others down

Answer 8

Very powerful; and very current. A lot of people can identify with this work of yours...

Answer 9

Loved it. I first didn't like that you did not explicitly say what its about but later felt it was better left to our imagination. Thanks for sharing.

Answer 10

Seems good enough for me, Don't think you need to add anymore to it or change it.

;))