new poem. do you like it??

Question

shattered and broken i reach out for help
i feel your hand grab mine
save me from the darkness that pulls me in
it crossed my finely drawn line

tresspassing into unknown worlds of restriction
the adventures yet to come
now that i am free
because you saved me


what is there for us to discover?
so many things to uncover
with you by my side
there is nothing i should fear

whatever obsticals we run into
im ready to face
we can defeat those against us
put our past behind us

we all do things were not proud of
experience events no person should have to bear
pushed through times of sorrow and doubt
but no matter what in the end i will always have you

we will put our past behind us
forget all that has happened
start anew
i will start over with you

discover things to make our life's bearable
make things better for you and i
but we wont change who we are
the uniqueness of our existance

i love you always
we will make it till the end

Answer 1

love the meaning, but you terribly need punctuation.

The punctuation will help create beneficial pauses for your poem, help guide the reader, etc.

Here's an example, I'll do the second to last stanza for you:

Discover things to make our lives bearable,
Make things better for you and me.
But, we won't change who we are,
The uniqueness of our existence.

See how it helps? And you also had a few grammar mistakes, so I take it that you are a little younger? Well, it doesn't have to be perfect, you did a great job.

good luck! (oh, and always capitalize in the beginning of a sentence)

Answer 2

You should listen closely to the comments already provided, and also consider these. You start out using rhymed stanzas abcb with a regular beat...then the very next stanza you switch to abcc and a first line with far too many beats. Then you switch to aabc, again with irregular beats. The next stanza is abcc, with almost regular beats. The next stanza has no rhyme at all and the lines are growing. The next stanza is also unrhymed and too short...basically, you gave up on the rhyme and just started writing in free verse with no concern for rhythm or beats. The last two lines are too trite and cliche, and if you did a good job with the poem before them, are redundant.

Don't take these criticisms personally, they are comments made on your poem so you can improve it, and grow as a poet. Read your poem out loud, have others read it to you, and you'll hear many of the problems your eyes can't see (your brain tricks you by making it sound the way you want it to sound instead of the way it actually sounds). Your poem could be edited and clean up to be quite presentable, but you'll need to really trim it up. Omit the words that don't matter, but make sure the ones remaining are complete thoughts and carry the weight of the thought. Remember to show us, not just tell us, or you'll end up with prose.

...and keep writing

Answer 3

Your Spelling List:

trespassing

obstacles

existence

Your Poem List:

1. Make it clear. Use details to tell a story if you have to. I don't know what an "unknown world of restriction" is. TOO MANY abstractions!

2. Start with complete sentences and trains of thoughts. After you get the syntax of thought clearly delineated, you can start shaving subjects, verbs, and whatnot so that the fragments can do the job they intend to.

3. Clarify who your characters are and what roles they play in this poem.

Answer 4

The symbolism in your word are beautiful, but you desperatly need a little more spacing, puncuation and better grammar, all in all a good poem though.

Answer 5

It's good you just need to work on the punctuation and spelling.

Answer 6

It is really wonderful.