why does heartache and breakups hurt so much?

Answer 1

Ending relationships can be very painful. As a culture, we have no clear-cut rituals for ending relationships or saying good bye to valued others. We are often unprepared for the variety of feelings we experience in the process

Some common reactions as a relationship ends:


·Denial-It can be hard to believe that the relationship is over.


·Anger-We are angry and often enraged at our partner or lover for shaking our world to it's core.



·Fear-We are frightened by the intensity of our feelings. We are frightened that we may never love or be loved again.


·Self-blame-We blame ourselves for what went wrong. We replay our relationship over and over, saying to ourselves, "If only I had done this. If only I had done that".


·Sadness-We are sad about what we have lost in the relationship and what we hoped the relationship would be for us in the future.


·Guilt-We feel guilty, particularly if we choose to end a relationship. We don't want to hurt our partner.


·Confusion-We may have some uncertainty about ourselves and our future.


·Hope-Initially we may fantasize that there will be a reconciliation, that the parting is only temporary, and that our partner will come back to us. As we heal and accept the reality of the ending, we may hope for a better world for ourselves.


·Relief-We can be relieved that there is an ending to the pain, the fighting, the torment, and the lifelessness of the relationship.



While some of these feelings may seem overwhelming, they are all "normal" reactions. They are necessary to the process of healing, so that we can eventually move on and engage in other relationships.


Here are some ways many people find helpful for coping with a breakup:


·Allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger, fear, and pain associated with an ending. It is o.k. to validate the importance of the relationship that you have lost.


·Connect with others. It is crucial at this time to remember the caring and supportive relationships that remain in your life. Ask others for support in this time and tell them how they can be helpful to you. Share with supportive others how you are reacting to the ending of the relationship.


·Recognize that guilt, self blame, and bargaining can be defenses against feeling out of control and being unable to stop the other person from leaving us. There are some endings we can't control, because we can't control another person's behavior.


·Give yourself time to heal. Be kind to yourself and patient with yourself following the breakup. Follow your usual routine as much as possible. As a general guideline, don’t make any large life decisions immediately following the breakup. Take some time to pamper yourself. Attend to your overall health—eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and cut down on addictive behaviors (e.g., drinking excessively).


·Use this time of transition in your life to rediscover yourself, to reevaluate your life priorities, and to expand new interests.


·Consider how you have grown personally and what you have learned as a result of being in the relationship and coping with the ending of the relationship. Imagine how this personal growth will be a benefit to you in future relationships.


·Spend some time focusing outside of yourself. For example, do something to help others.


·Reaffirm your beliefs about life and relationships. Nourish your spiritual side in whatever way fits your beliefs, such as spending time alone in nature, attending a religious service, or meditating.


·Get the help you need. If you feel "stuck" in a pattern and unable to change it or if your reaction to the ending of the relationship is interfering negatively with positive areas of your life over a period of time, talking to a professional counselor may help.

Answer 2

Well, Bats has a great and complete answer.
I would stress one thing:

Remind yourself every hour that that person's approval and love of you is NOT what gave you your self worth.
Don't take the breakup personally, don't think it means there's something wrong with you.
Take it from me, who has seen a number of exciting relationships dissolve before my eyes with no explanation.
Ultimately a relationship ended is like a stain that had to come out in the wash, so that you can make room for someone who is better for you.
I tend to be obsessive (I'm on Prozac for that even) so it was extra hard for me and I really suffered. But now that I went through 4 or 5 of these heartbreaks, I can see early warning signs before I get involved and keep things light and detached if it's not right.
Stay busy, get very physical (exercise hard!!!)
Print and read Bats' answer frequently.
Think carefully over the person you were with and make a list of all the things that you didn't like about h.
Focus NOT on finding the right person quickly. Focus on becoming the right person yourself. Go back to school, go to the gym, swim, read, cook, paint, clean, get into work, go out with friends, sand your heels, cut your nails, get a facial and a massage. Drink a lot of water. Eat your vegetables and see yourself becoming stronger and more beautiful every day to prepare yourself for the next adventure.

Answer 3

Heartaches and break-ups hurt so much because we have invested our hopes, dreams and our futures in another person--we have given our heart to the person.
We are INVESTED in someone else.
When the relationship goes sour, we take it very personally (there must be something wrong with me) or (I wasn't good enough) or (I'll never meet another like that one).
Just knowing we can never be with the person in whom we were so INVESTED hurts so very much.
As our feelings are seated in our hearts, we do get heartache! When my Mom passed on, I felt that I was having a heart attack!!! The nurse explained to me that my heart was just broken. Our hearts feel what our brains cannot.
Good luck and may God bless you.
Be very careful of where you invest so much.

Answer 4

There a million reasons.
Rejection, The fear of being alone, The fear of not knowing what is going on in the life of the person that you loved for so long. Betrayal of someone that said they would always be there. it takes a long time to get over a heartache. But you will.

Answer 5

because we had invested so much of ourselves in a relationship and some how we expected to be treated in the same way. anyway all heartaches will come to pass.

Answer 6

What I have learnt from my 4 years of lonely and heart-broken life, is that love hurts when you want it to hurt you. When someone breaks ur heart or leaves u for ne genuine reason, just move on, jump on every opportunity and hang out with ur family. Love will never hurt then. Otherwise, it will kill you

Answer 7

Because love hurts

Answer 8

It hurts if you were REALLY in love with this person, but if that person doesn't love you back then they don't deserve you! You can probably do much better with some one that really does love you.

Answer 9

Simple! You are suppose to learn from your mistakes and learn to make better decisions if they were easy you would just keep making the same mistakes.

Answer 10

Why ask such a stupid question?

If it didn't hurt then it wasn't a real relationship. Why do you think it's called "heartache"?