Being sad yesterday, I've written some poetry. What do you think about it?

Question

Loneliness

You are my companion,
Going my way,
Watching all things I do
Every day.

Talking to people
About their life,
Your slightest touch
Stubbs me like knife.

In long day evening,
Forgetting fear,
Everyone’s leaving,
You’re always here.

When up at night,
Staring to darkness,
I feel myself freezing
Deep in your caress.

Wet tears are falling,
Down from my eyes,
People I loved once,
You destroyed twice.

You are my companion
Wherever I go,
Whatever I do,
With you – alone.

Answer 1

I think you are very talented. :))

Answer 2

Okay, you've heard how great the poem was from everyone else, so here is some feedback on how to make it better. First of all, you need to either read this out loud to yourself, or have someone read it out loud to you. If you do this, you'll see that many of your lines simply don't work as written. There are beat issues, malapropisms (stubbs instead of stabs), and rhyme issues (you use perfect rhyme for four stanzas, then switch to soft rhyme for the last two). Also, tears are always wet, and the needless addition of wet throws off the beats to that line...just drop "wet" to fix it.

Watching all things I do, Stubbs me like knife, In long day evening, staring to darkness, are all lines that need work as they are not coherent...try, watching everything I do, stabs me like a knife, In a long day's evening, staring into darkness.

...and keep writing

Answer 3

Poetry is often best written as it comes to your mind - writing what you are feeling in theat instance. It is when,afterwards,one sits down for days and edits what is written to make more sense that the feeling of the poem is lost.

Seems to me that you have spent time thinking this one through and have lost some of your original intent. I have sat down and put pen to paper and created a poem in less than 5 minutes. New love is always a good feeling to influence a poem. Lost love generally writes better in song lyrics.

That which you have written here would probably be better put to music than recited in a club with other poets.

Answer 4

I think that you have done a brilliant job of describing the sole companionship of loneliness and You. Ignore the ones that didn't take the time to to read the title and tie it in to the poetry. Poetry is subjective.It's about the feelings of the writer and how they choose to put them to paper. I feel you did a great job and look forward to any other writing you'd like to share.

Answer 5

well,can i say " it is just wonderful "?i guess i can.u are really talented.i loved your poem so much.i am even going to print it.i think ,if u work on your talent and read 4 big poets,u will make such a great poet.plz,always show us your production.by the way,u do not have to be sad to write such beautiful poetry and u do not have to listen to persons unfairly criticizing your poem just because they want score and nothing more.

Answer 6

It's not bad, it could do with a bit more conjecture and a little more talented wording, try imagry as a basis for writing next time, re-write it with the thought of drawing hat your saying.

Answer 7

i think its good, don't take any notice of people that say its crap. You have written your feelings it seems and anyone that says your feelings are crap should learn "if you haven't got anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all" they just want a point for there scoring.
I hope you are feeling happier today as there is nothing worse than feeling down and sad.

Answer 8

Poetry is an art form not a code you should not, for the most part have to decipher it. That is pseudo intellectual nonsense

Answer 9

It`s quite good. My wife has written alot of poetry and always says that it a good way of dealing with your emotions....

Answer 10

are you happy or sad or torn with this person? or is the person you? i like it, but it's hard to decipher the poetry of someone you don't know =) hope you're feeling happier today hun

Answer 11

Succinct and to the point. I think it is good, but perhaps you should re-work it a bit and shorten it.
Good luck