I am an American woman pregnant from an Indian man. He has been in shock since he found out about 2 weeks ago.

Question

We started out as just having fun, mutually agreed as I have been going through the divorce process with the ex and he is going through the arranged marriage process. His parents have been looking for a wife for him. But when we had fun we started connecting talking alot every day and having fun not just sex. As soon as I got pregnant, he freaked out and talked about killing himself and me getting an abortion, which I cannot do. He says his parents will never accept the baby, especially from a divorced woman with kids. He wants to still have the arranged marriage to not shame his family but he knows they will find out about the baby. I am mixed because he is not man enough to accept the baby/responsibility but I understand his culture. Though I want to try to be a family with him but I can't even talk about that because his mind is still in shock with the news and only thinking of abortion still. He will not talk to anyone for advice which is making it harder for him. Advice please?

Thank you for quick responses. Should I give him more time to think? This is a traumatic event for him and I don't want to pressure him. Let things go day by day??? I noticed he softened up this week based on a few actions.

Answer 1

What a tough situation you're in. I am in an eerily similar situation, except that I'm not pregnant. I currently am going through a divorce and I'm dating an Indian guy. I really like him a lot, and he likes me. His parents recently tried to arrange a marriage for him, but he revolted and prevailed. (For now, but I'm cynical enough to believe that it's not over till it's over.) I still am not sure where I stand on the relationship because I have read so many horror stories about manipulative, dishonest Indian men!!

Now about your situation. I too have been torn on the cultural aspects of dating an Indian man, but the bottom line here is that he knew the potential consequences of sleeping with you (i.e., pregnancy). Those consequences should have factored into his decision to sleep with you, and he should have weighed them carefully considering all that he has to lose by way of respect with his family, his fiancee's family, and the entire Indian community.

He must respect your decision not to abort your baby. Although in a perfect world both partners would factor into a decision as big as that one, the fact that you all have had a "no strings attached" sort of relationship gives him much less of a leg to stand on when giving his two cents.

He needs to be a man about the situation, that's the bottom line. Of course, I have discovered that the Indian man frequently has problems making thorough and mature decisions. My theory is that the family has always had such a strong influence in everything that the Indian man has never had to make independent decisions.

Does he have any plans to leave the country and go back to India? That might be something to consider when considering whether or not to pursue legal action against him. If he leaves the country, there is not much you can do.

One other aspect of Indian men that I have slowly coming to terms with is this: white women are much more demanding in nature than Indian women. White women want to be considered equals with their partners, and demand more attention and are less likely to tolerate being "blown off." I've had to learn not to take that personally.

If it weren't for your pregnancy, my suggestion would be to back off and let him come to his own conclusion about what to do (speaking from experience). Unfortunately, however, in this scenario your backing off may send a message that he can get off scot free and shirk responsibility.

Maybe you could try to do the following:
1. Take things ONE DAY AT AT TIME. You cannot control the future and you cannot control what he will do.
2. Think carefully about what your emotional/financial/medical needs will be during pregnancy. Getting through the pregnancy safely and with your (and the baby's) health should be your #1 priority.
3. Once you figure out what your needs will be, lay them out for him. Things might come up that will require his flexibility and that should also be discussed.
4. Send the message that you insist on his taking personal accountability in his role in this and be CONSISTENT AND FIRM in making reasonable demands.
5. Do not mention police or legal action, as that may scare him into leaving the country earlier than he would have.
6. Do the parents know about the pregnancy? If they don't, insist that you meet the parents. If they don't know anything about you, and it would be in your best interests to approach them first to establish rapport and to "put a face with the name." It shows balls and backbone and will win points. You don't have to be best friends, but at least they know you're not spineless. If they know about the pregnancy: meet them anyway. You have nothing to be ashamed of, even if their culture dictates otherwise. In that situation, they may let their imagination convince them that you are the sort of person that you're not. Better to let them decide after having met you (and in the long run, what they think doesn't really amount to a hill of beans anyway, but you can see my point).
7. If they don't currently know of the pregnancy and you insist on meeting them, they may develop respect for you before they know anything about you, and that might make news of the pregnancy easier to accept (although it still will be chaotic). It's easier to build respect from a clean slate than one that is already tainted.

Try to meet them before you begin to show. I don't know how "liberal" his family is, and given that they are arranging a marriage for him, you may meet opposition from him on meeting the parents. "Meeting the parents" in Indian culture indicates that marriage is eminent.

I wish you the very best of luck in a really tough situation. I also would be willing to talk with you more about some of these issues as the Indian men/culture thing has driven me crazy for the past two months.

And remember, above all: you can only control what you do. You can't control what he or his family will do. Acceptance of that fact may act as a buffer for you emotionally. People don't always do what's right, and in the long run if he does not, you don't want a man like that anyway.

Very sincerely,
Emily Jones (lucky for you, I also happen to be a therapist!!!!) :-)

Answer 2

Indian Pregnant Girl

Answer 3

I was head over hills with my Indian lover party man, me 35 him 42... He announced that I needed a child and 4 months later into dating I became prego! Little did I expect him to tell me to F off and prove that it's his , he left me after I found out I was having a boy. My son and I have been on our own since. I forced child support and he got busted when he got served by an officer. His family did not know and neither did I know just 4 months back, I am now 37 he is now 44 and apparently his Infian wife is divorcing him for having the "affair", and still till this day he's neglected to see his son and is trying to play the system with fake pay stubs from his brother in law who owns several portions of Saudi's oil and gas as HE travels to sell land with NO proof of no bank account and tries to say he makes less than $30,000 a year when I know he is a bookie and averages about $200,000 per year. This handsome promising Indian from Bombay is a hibutual liar and smooth talker.

Answer 4

1. If he is living in America his family cannot force him into any marriage he doens't agree to. They are in America, the land of freedom now. They can't expect to live the exact life they had in India and be rude to Americans who have given them a new life and land.

2. You keep this baby and he WILL have to pay child support. He has no choice.

3. If he's not man enough to step up the courts will make him step up at least partially (child support).

Don't let this culture thing effect you too much. My father is Indian and he actually seperated himself from the culture because he doesn't agree with much of it. Don't let him take the easy way out. You both knew by having sex pregnancy was possible, it always is.

P.S. My father the Indian, who married my mother....married a divorced woman, so that person above is talking out of their butt

Answer 5

You need to focus on YOU and your baby. If he doesn't want to be a part your lives....it's his lost. But, with that being said; He MUST contribute financial responsibility for this child. So be sure to file for CHILD SUPPORT!!!

Sadly, I have a cousin who was in the same predicament as you are. She too was in a relationship with an Indian man...and when she found out she was pregnant with his child...he bailed out! He reasoning for leaving her and their unborn child was that his family in India would not accept him loving a Black woman AND having a "mixed" child out of wedlock.

Let's hope for the BEST and pray that your Man comes around and does the right thing in owning up to his responsiblities. To be fair...give him a little more time. If he's still pressuring you for an abortion, you need to move on.

Good Luck!
And don't forget....file for Child Support....it's your child's right.

Answer 6

Being man enough has nothing to do with it.

It is completely a cultural issue and if you truly understood his culture then you wouldn't say such a thing.

It is not an easy thing for most people to change beliefs and values you've held closely for your entire life. He's made up his mind, he's ready to deal with the consequences of telling and explaining to his family. Yet, he can not do something against his family and culture, so don't push the issue. Let him know you're having the child, but don't expect to become a happily ever after family with the guy.

Answer 7

ok you gotta be strong for yourself and your child. and have to think about yourself. i respect you for not having an abortion, and im sorry for him but at the same time he had sex and created a child and he needs to be responsible for his actions. if you doesnt than you are better off without him. he may think this is hard on him, but is he even thinking about you? you are the pregnant, you are going thru a divorce. if his parents do not want to accept the baby then they dont need to be in the child's life! please do what you gotta go to takecare of yourself and your little baby. maybe after the shock wears off he will relax and things will get figured out, but stick to your feelings and you know what is right and what isnt!!

Answer 8

Hi,

The Question is?? Do you love him?? To have his baby??/

Even after he is in shock of his life when he suppose to be happy..i mean he is talking about killing himself that is very low esteem we talking about.

If he is unable to open to his own family about his feeling and what he wants, will he ever to you??? cant face his family what kinda damn excuse is that..

In my view he is looser, if you think this baby means to you something plz go ahead and have a ur own family..

i know he will regret this and will be back to you soon and later. then it'll be up to you what u want.

all the best with making right decision for yourself and ur baby, with love.

Prity

xoxoxo

Answer 9

Yes, give him some more time. Its as traumatic for him as it is for you, but in a different kind of way. Being an Indian, he is deeply committed to his family/parents. As time goes by he is bound to develop an intimacy towards you, to start with, just because of his baby that you are carrying, and gradually turn into genuine love for you. Indians are emotional by nature, and have a deep sense of honour.
Trust me. I should know, as I am Indian too.

Answer 10

I am in the same spot. Only he was calm and accepted it and didn't have a meltdown. he is in the process now of thinking how to tell his mom back in india.
luckily his mom is cool and never pressed the arranged marriage thing. I can kinda thank his poverty stricken childhood for that...I find the richer ones are more meaner and controlling. (btw they aren't poor anymore, he has his masters and works for a fortune 500 company here in jersey now).

look, the initial shock is going to be severe. but over time it will balance out. they wont disown him. he will get quite a lecture and a few harsh insults, but over time, the love for their son will prevail and they will come to terms.
When he sees his baby, he will fall in love. eastern men dont leave their kids.