Waking up from one nightmare life to another...?

Question

Help me. I feel really really depressed about my life. I'm going to try my best to type this up but I don't even have energy to do that. I feel so depleted and upside down.
I've turned 20 this year and I've become more aware about my life. I've been self-reflecting a lot the past few years.
During my entire teenage hood I was miserable. I lived like a zombie to repress my depression. I would wake up goto school, come back home, go play games or go online then sleep. My dad was an alcoholic and an *******, we were poor and i had no friends. The "friends" I had were backstabbing cunts. But I sticked with them because I was so lonely all the time, any companionship was better than none. I also did alot of drugs. Every aspect of my life was down the drain; relationship, health, finance.
As a result I wasted my youth away. I achieved nothing and barely graduated high school. After I graduated I lived in isolation for almost 2 years before I went to community college.

came to Toronto this January and studying in a community college. Its my 3rd semester. I have made very little friends and I spent this friday and saturday night staying in my room flicking through channels on TV and reruns. I then came to the conclusion that my life stinks. I should be downtown partying. I don't like the community college crowd. I don't really fit well with them. I really prefer to a university but I need to gain credits before I can do that. That will be 3 years.
I'm just so bummed out about life right now. I don't have appetite to eat. I haven't gone to a single class this week.

Alot of the times I've been fantasizing about how different my life could have turned out. I remember my mom telling me I could have moved in with my aunt in toronto when I was younger. I think alot about how my life would be different as result, I can't stop thinking about it and I escape into my own world of fantasy; Me growing up happy with friends and doing good in school living with my aunt. I think I'm going mentally insane literally. The thoughts keep racing over and over in my head and its driving me insane.

I fantasize every single moment about going back in time and doing everything differently and living my life. Living a better life with my aunt instead with my parents and being so miserable.

I feel like there is nothing wrong with the world just me. I think I've been unlucky. Fate has handed me a bitter lemon. My life feels like an anomaly. Not natural. Like an odd piece of the puzzle. It doesn't feel right. I never felt myself for many years. I feel I don't belong. My health doesn't feel right. My relationships don't feel right. My life doesn't feel right .As if there was some cosmic disturbance in my life. All I wanted was to be normal and happy but I got the exact opposite. Everything seems overwhelming. I don't want to feel lonely anymore all the time. I don't want to feel like I missed out so much on life. I want to go back in time so badly and change everything.

Suicide has come alot to my mind already. If I had access to a gun or cyanide I would already be dead. I'm too scared to do it any other way. I remember one morning I woke from a nightmare. I got up, went to the pantry took out a plastic bag. Went back to my room wrapped it around my head and taped the openings on the neck. I just laid there but when the breathing got difficult I quickly tore the bag open. But my aunt who sacrificed alot to help get into college (because my dad can't support me anymore) so I think if I die that would deeply upset her.
But the temptation is so great. I have an entire box of sleeping pills on my desk and I think about swallowing the whole thing. I just to get out. This life doesn't feel like mine.

Even if I want to reach out, a lot of the people are definitely not worth hanging out with. Last night my friend introduced me to group of people. All they talked about was what they drank the other night and what they are drinking. I couldn't handle it anymore so I just left. They had no sense of direction and its hard to find decent people with similar goals in a community college.
Right now I feel like a 16yr old. Its hard to explain. Its like my mind still feels young, and even my body feels young. And because of that I feel weak. I don't feel mature enough. I think it to do with me wanting to relive my youth differently.

Now and then I feel I've just woken up from a coma. I might just lie down on my bed and suddenly come to some realization and say to myself "This is my life? This can't be happening to me". Sometimes I get panic attacks as a result.

it feels like the last 10 years were traumatic. I repressed that trauma by living like a zombie. A robot going through the daily chores of life. I think suffered depersonalization back then. Now I've waken out my slumber I've woken up into another nightmare and I can't deal with it. This doesn't feel like my life.
I'm jsut asking what to do? I feel so much sorrow inside me. I don't know how to deal with my past and my life right now.


It was only a few weeks that I decided what I wanted to do with my life. I want to become a doctor. But its too late now. My grades stink. My life stink. I just want to go back in time and redo everything. Sometimes I wonder what will happen to myself if I die. MAybe I can have a second chance. Maybe I will wake up at 1997 and do everything differently.

I feel I'm in a rut. I feel I'm too deep in the hole that I can no longer get myself out and reverse the effects, and that they will always be there to haunt me. I'm already socially awkward seeing how I been alone for so long.

It as if my life was fine then some time disturbance (like back to the future) came in and ruined everything. I'm listening to "The scientist" by coldplay and the singer is saying "lets get back to the start". Thats exactly how I feel. I want to reboot my life. I lack any ambition for life and I feel so bummed out. Just yesterday I was doing groceries with a friend and in the middle of the supermarket I just felt like breaking down and crying. I feel like I had enough. I don't want much from life. I just want to be normal and happy like everybody else. I just want some friends, a girlfriend, a family, a normal healthy body and something to work for.
I feel as if God has forsaken me in everyway. Ever since I was young I wanted to be normal, to fit in. I am neither. I am sick of this life. I hate it. I want to die. I just curse the day I was born.

I feel totally stuck. I feel like its too late to change anything. I would kill myself. But I'm scared not about death but if there is a God I would have to face judgment for it. That is my biggest concern.

If there is a God...

Answer 1

"People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Abe Lincoln.

Self sedating depression and the pervasive mental set is common.

You know better. You can have better.

Mental health professionals can treat these conditions. Do not be ashamed. Just take care of it.

Half the are people out there are happy and you can be one of them. You have tried to fill the emptiness with temp fixes.

You know this doesn't work. Rebuild all areas of your life first through a visit to the doctor, diet, exercise.

Answer 2

Gee after I started to read this, I thought I could have easy had written this.
My life was the same my dad was a drunk.I smoked cigs and drugs when I was as young as 12 and 13.
I got pregnant when I was 15.
I didn't get to graduate from school.
I always wished I could have had a better life to.
Saying that.
You just got to get up and get out.You don't need the bar seen .Get up on Sunday morning and go to church.Go to the library .Just get out get your mind busy on other things.
Think Positive it brings positive thinking negative thinking brings on negatively.
Tell your self >I'm gonna get up and put my past behind .And I'm gonna live for the future and give it the best shot I can.
You need to stop worrying about the past it's over. There is nothing you or I can do to go back in time and change any thing. And by letting it get to you and consuming it in your mind and body everyday your making it ruin the rest of your life.Your still letting it fester.Clean the wound and go on.
It won't be easy at first but it will get better.I promise.
Maybe you could go to your Dr. and see if he can't maybe put you on some meds to help with your racing thoughts ect.I take Zoloft it helps with anxiety and depression.
Good Luck and God Bless You
PS> I did go in get my GED .Then I went and got a job as a cna

Answer 3

You sound depressed and would probably benefit from medication. Consider it. Also, you cannot change your past or the people in it. You can decide to make some changes now. Since it's been pretty bad, the fear of change could be looked at as an adventure. Start small and work up as you gain confidence. You are young. You could have a lot of good years ahead of you. Don't write this off. If you see a therapist, they can help you identify what is important to you and help you work on what you need to do to get your life moving forward.

Answer 4

First I want to say.. you are not alone. I understand how it feels like that, I often feel alone although I'm surrounded by loved one. Someone loves you. I'm sure that many people love you. I understand that when things don't seem to go the way you wanted them too, how nice it would be to turn the clock back. Unfortunately we can't do that. "Carpe Diem" Seize the day my friend. All of those things that you want they are right in the palm of your hand, that bitter lemon is there to make some sweeet lemonade. It's tough to pull yourself out of the way your feeling now, I'm sure. Because sometimes feelings like these can make us feel like we have lead for feet and a broken record for a brain. Have you ever tried self affirmation. It's what I do. Every morning I wake up and I say to myself " I'm beautiful, I kick ***, have a good day today" sometimes if you tell yourself something long enough you'll start to really believe it and own it. Try telling your self "I will get out of this rut, I will do well in school, I am a great guy." I know it's sound cheeseball right now, but if you can believe in yourself, you will be on the right path to finding your way out of this tunnel. Best of luck.

Answer 5

I really feel for you!!! But it's not too late saying that you are only 20 yrs. old. because I am 29 and still working toward getting to my goals. You can't change your past or people in it unfortunately, however it really is your parents loss and not yours. All you can do is focus on the future and not try so hard to have this perfect family you want right now. It will happen when it is meant to happen. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason or would not happen at all!!!! There are constantly signs around you that is trying to point you in the right direction all you have to do is see them. Let your past be a lesson as far as the kind of person you want to be and someday the type of husband as well as father you want to become. You should read the "Secret" when you have positive energy only positive energy will exist around you and great things will happen to you. Look to God for your answers! Best wishes!

Answer 6

I have an acoholic dad too. And I also struggle with depression, among other things. I am starting a new medication, so we will see how that goes. I am miserable, and I think about suicide a lot too. The only thing holding me back is also the fact that there could be a God, and what if I kill myself and it is too late and I go to hell?!!! Or, even more frightening, what if I just die and dissapear and fade into darkness, with nothing in front or behind me, nothing. What I do when I am feeling really low is write stories or poetry, or draw pictures. Try get some medication, my doctor said it really helps.

Answer 7

hello jsm,
I am very deeply touched by your question..even tho you feel old and life has passed you by it really hasn't. Thankfully you have an auntie that loves you. I went back to college when I was 50, and learned more then I had before. I hadn't even graduated from high school.
I met a man that loved me dearly at 40 years of age. I was the girl of his dreams..he told me that constantly. He has since passed away.

God has a plan for your life. One of happiness and a companion for you. There are many lonely young people just like you. It is a terrible feeling but it will change.

Something I believe will help you is to find a good church to attend. A small church..or one that you would feel at home in.
The music and the atmosphere will help you.

don't give up there is a brighter day ahead for you. this will pass..

Answer 8

wow, that's pretty long
bro i had an alcoholic dad too, he even took drugs but now he's being okay, everything is beginning to be okay(honestly, i kinda hated him for that, been depressed because of him, he's so unpredictable,that's also the reason why i dislike drug addicts but still im trying to be good to them,and still focus on the positive side, i never took drugs, i smoked before, but not continuously, just a try and never had it again)

i suggest that you stop taking drugs, don't be alcoholic too
those vices are proven to make someone emotionally weak and a bit slow in thinking

you'll gain more friends, rather.. true friends if you'll be nice, start it by stopping the addiction, you know you can stop it right? but don't expect results to come out quickly, having friends takes time, having a better personality also takes time

so.. goodluck bro
your just 20, not too late for a change

Answer 9

You listen to me mate,and listen good!You need to snap out of this thing real fast.How i wish i was there to help you get through it all.Believe me,the world is a beautiful place,it depends on what angle you are looking at it from.Heavens! you are only 20! You're still young so all that about you losing your youth is crap! I'm sorry to say.Life is one long continuous journey and we are bound to make lots of mistakes whilst we make that journey,but we are supposed to learn from these mistakes.Sorry that you had an ******* for a father,but,hey,your father chose his own path,you should now choose yours.And you want to finish your studies and go ahead and get a job and start to live your life.It is cowardly to commit suicide!You need to be loved,and cared for.Try to extend your friend network to outside your college.Go to the library,the sports or recreational centre,all these places are where you can make meaningful friends.Always go for people who will be sympathetic towards you.People who are kind hearted.There are lots out there.You too ,should reach out to people and try helping them and be kind to them.By so doing you should make some good friends.Look for new interests,and people who can share these interests with you.
Why don't you try this for size?I know someone who has HIV and he is coping well and is not wishing he were dead or pulling a face all over the place.So, you owe it to yourself if you want to get better,to eat well,exercise a lot and try taking up a hobby.When you're doing all these you won't have time to dwell on your problems and start having dark thoughts as you do.Listen mate,don't lose out! I am extending a hand of friendship to you and i hope you accept it.I will be your friend.And together we can help you stop feeling suicidal and make you grow to love yourself.Finally,try to get medical help.Thats your last resort.I wish you all the best.

Answer 10

Sounds like normal thoughts to me. Most of us are insecure about life because we think life revolves around us, when others do not care what we are doing. You need a dose of 17:14 or 17:15 after you understand LIFE. Maybe you are JUDGING yourself, as most people are doing.

This is how stupid people do stupid things with the apathy of others all around. Nobody ever notices that the bank is being robbed by the person in front of the line.

Related are the feelings of inadequacy because we sense this lack of LOVE from parents or others such as friendships. Everyone needs hugs of reinforcement. We rebell against inferior examples in several directions, often by where our friends are going. Basically this is manipulation in any direction, so that we can cry CO-DEPENDENCY!! "Help me I am so inferior to people around me!!!!"

You CAN plod along, or focus in one direction like you have attempted, get a better education for a better career in medicine. Life depends on our influences for good or bad.

If you want to believe in demons and ghosts, then THERE ARE PLENTY OF WAYS YOU CAN REINFORCE THESE IDEAS TO PUT MONEY IN OTHER PEOPLES POCKETS. Evil people seek to deceive you, and appear even as angels of delight, or just as Angels.

If you want to find out the meaning and purpose of real LOVE, then you should consider then foundation of such values for equality and purpose of life. Read these 5 chapters and discover what you can build your life upon to enjoy the discovery of purpose.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?boo...

Then find John and read the purpose of LOVE. Only 21 chapters.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?sea...
Judging yourself? **** 3:17,18 (3:16)
17:3, ***** 17:17
20:30,31

Purpose of LIFE in your life will conquer all your fears. Email me anytime at profile page.