Moms Please Read This?

Question

I have two children, ages 2 and 4. My mom always wants to take my son (4) and not my daughter. I feel bad and my daughter doesn't understand why she can't go. (Chuck-E-Cheese's, her house, the park, wherever) She (my mom) says that it's completely normal that she wants to spend time alone with him b/c she had 3 girls, never a boy. She has admitted that he is her favorite and says there's nothing wrong with that, every grandparent has a favorite. She NEVER takes my daughter alone. What do u think I should do.

Answer 1

Stop allowing her to take your son then. Tell her if she can't take them both then she can't have either. I think that is selfish of her and it's horrible that she doesn't care that she is hurting a little girl's feelings. Her own grand-daughter's feelings. That is so sad. I'm sorry but it's not ok to have a favorite and definitely not okay to show that you have a favorite. That can really crush your daughter in the future. I would just have to tell her that she either takes my daughter to or she can stop visiting.

Answer 2

Don't allow her to take your son anymore without your daughter going along too. It is not right for a grandmother to like the male child more because she never had one, nor is it right for her to pick a favorite one. My children do not have the same fathers, but the grandmother of the oldest one takes the other 2 just the same. They all go together, and spend the night, go shopping whatever. She loves them all just the same eventhough she does not have to since only one is related through blood. There is something wrong with the way your mother is thinking.

Answer 3

Did she have an obvious favorite daughter when you were growing up? She should be able to understand that this is potentially very damaging to your daughter and her self esteem. There is something very wrong with feeling that you favor one child over another and if she doesn't see that then I would only be letting her see the children under my watchful eye. Every child has wonderful qualities and they should be valued for their unique differences, but loving one child doesn't preclude loving the others. Love is something that expands and grows if it is real. Not something that excludes . Are you sure that she isn't just worried about dealing with a toddler? If what she says is true, and she really feels this way i feel very sad for her,as she really doesn't know how to love at all.

Answer 4

wow, that's a tough situation. Especially since it sounds like your daughter is already noticing what's happening. My concern with you making her take both kids is that some hostility and resentment will become apparent to your daughter on these outings.

I think when it's time for the kids to see grandma, you should impose yourself and your daughter. That way, you can be there to make sure your daughter is getting an equal amount of attention/affection. If she won't go for that, tell her it's that or nothing and then explain that her behavior IS hurting your daughter's feelings, and you therefore cannot allow it to continue.

Answer 5

Tell her how you feel. Tell her that you are telling her this so that your daughter doesn't end up recenting her or her brother because of the special relationship she has with her grandson. Tell her that playing favorites only separates the familiy and creates tention between them. Tell her that its ok if she wants to spend time alone with your son but that you think your daughter would love her attention also. Tell her that you feel hurt to see your daughter left out.

Answer 6

How cruel !! There is everything wrong with it.You should tell your mother she is hurting your daughter and eventually your daughter will not "like Grandma" anymore as she sees that her Grandmother doesn't like her. I'm afraid you'll have to lay down the law. Your mother won't like it but if she loves you and her Grandchildren she'll get over it if she wants to see her grandchildren. My Aunt had the same thing happen and she had to tell her mother.It's hard but it is best for the child. Children should not know that one is preferred over the other and your mother is wrong to let it show. It will leave deep emotional scars on the child.

Answer 7

Maybe you could suggest a short daughter/Grandma outing so she feels special, too.

My mom also prefers to take only my son (almost 7) instead of both (or just my daughter, 3.5). I believe it's because my son is easier to handle and easier to do things with -- partially because he's older and partly because of his personality.

She invited my son over for several overnights and my daughter was very jealous. I mentioned it to my mother but she just wasn't sure she could handle my daughter for that long.

She usually takes my son for the whole day, overnight, and most of the following day. Instead, we dropped my daughter off just in time for dinner and picked her up right after breakfast -- but she *loved* it... and felt very special.

Answer 8

well, this is a situation similar to my own.
my mother-in-law always has favored my son(6) over my daughter(5). She buys him stuff, says he can come over-we live across the street- but my girl always tags alone... she has NO patience for her.. she gets upset when she talks too much, and wants attention too. but she doesn't act that way w/ my boy...he can do NO wrong, and when they get into trouble my M-I-L says that if my girl wouldn't have been there things would be fine..
I TOLD HER>>> unless she changed her attitude she would not see either of them>>
Now i know that sounds harsh but g-parents need to learn that even if they do favor one, they SHOULD NOT outwardly show it,, it's not fair and creates resentment b/t siblings
I hope you can reslove this issuse, and wish you the best of luck

Answer 9

my brother had the same problem. my mother picked my oldest nephew as her favorite. she let him do anything he wanted. my mother was always mean to my oldest niece, and then wanted nothing to do with my brother's youngest daughter and son because she doesn't like their mother. my brother and sister-in-law got together and decided to talk to my mom, but when nothing changed, they stopped letting my mother see any of the kids. it hasn't fixed the problem because my mother still asks when she will be able to see my oldest nephew. she never asks about any of the other kids. but it has stopped my oldest niece from asking why her Nanaw doesn't love her. it has stopped the hurt feelings. i know it might sound harsh, but your daughter's feelings are more important than your mother's.

Answer 10

I am replying to this as a mom of 3 and also as a girl (seemingly like your daughter) who wondered why she perceived more attention was paid to her brother. The difference in my circumstance may however be that my father and his family was very old world Italian. Boys held the family hopes of continuing the family name and achieving great worldy things. Girls were loved but were not expected to bring the same prestige to the family unless it was through their marriage. Times may have changed but women are still struggling to break through gender barriers everywhere.

Ok, that being said, thank goodness for one of my Aunts who protested the obvious favoritism on several occaisions and argued with my parents frequently over it and who went out of her way to make me feel special and equal. It was a neccessary correction to my developing self-esteem that helped me grow into womanhood feeling I could achieve any dream as an individual regardless of my gender. I must say however, this fierce individualism and self-reliance did narrow and complicate my search for a 'soul' mate. Took me a couple of tries before I found someone who didn't need to feel I occupied an inferior position in his world. The divide in gender perceptions is getting much better.

But, hey, they didn't know any different because they were surrounded by women who had been treated that same way all their lives but kept any struggle private, and I hold no grudges to them or to my family. It's all they knew and they didn't realize they were setting me up for internal and external conflict.

Ok, told you that to tell you this, as much as your mother loves both your children, I'm sure she does, she may not realize the potential impact of this favoritism on both of her beloved grandchildren. She hasn't considered any negative consequences to satisfying her own needs.

The only way I can think of dealing with this is with A LOT of love, patience, and compassion for your mother. But, not necessarily in giving in to her wishes. As experienced we may be as adult mothers we sometimes do not realize how children perceive the things we do and say. It's not that we've forgotten, it's just that day to day operations as adults require we think on a different level than our kids. As mothers, when we do realize we've wronged our children we can feel crushed and experience real pain with the knowledge.

It's a delicate situation to be sure. I believe however that families should have open dialogs about these types of misunderstandings and not in front of the children, those little sponges who are quick to internalize any negative change in the status quo. If for some reason mom feels she must continue on her course then all you can really do is make sure your daughter has that 'aunt' or some compensating counsel or activity or such to help her not negatively internalize her grandmother's actions. You cannot fault your mother for her upbringing and more damage can be done to your & your children's concepts of relationships if you fight with your mother about it. You must remain a good daughter if you want your children to act in kind with you (they learn much from how we treat OUR parents!). As an application, the commandment to honor thy mother and father is very relevant. When your children have grown to be whole in spirit and self-sufficient you will have honored their sacrifice to you.

Best wishes to you. Be strong for both your daughters and your sons. They will be living in the world of their making, not in yours or your mother's. (hopefully they get it right)