I feel like a selfish jerk?

Question

I'm 14 and my exgirlfriends 12 and she dumped me about 3-2months ago because she thinks I'm too old for her and I've only just realised but i've been trying to make all my friends around me miserable without realising it. I've been doing it to all of my friends and they're all beginning to finally say what they think and it hasn't been nice. I've lost a few friends thanx to it and one was a really good friend. I've been using my exgirlfriend's friends to try and get over her. I even well not acted on it but even thought about dragging her 11year old sister into it to help me get over my ex and I've also been taking all my jealousy out on my exgirlfriend's boyfriend(well now exboyfriend) and even though I've done all this my ex has stuck beside me and never complained and is the only one of two who haven't and I feel she should complain because I've been a real jerk and haven't even noticed it until I started losing my friends.

What can I do to get my friends I've lost back, I know I deserve this but I was just drowned in jeaslousy and aload of other emotions and I didn't mean to hurt anyone?
I've tried apologizing.

My exgirlfriends my bestfriend even though we're not together.

Answer 1

Well you certainly have been through a load of emotions this week. Personally, I think you are far from a selfish jerk. I think your sensitivity and maturity are pretty impressive. I also think that you have been in a pretty insecure place recently, one which comes of being rejected, even if you do understand the reasons, and one which comes from being in pain. To even recognise what you have been putting your friends through, and to take on board what your friends have said to you, shows me that you are a mature and considerate person. Your ex and the other friend clearly recognise your special qualities which is why they have stuck by you. The reason they have not complained is because they genuinely care about you, and understand that you were hurting and they know you better than that, so they have stood by and supported you. Fortunately for you, these two are real friends who care about what you are going through, not about how much fun you are for them. Some of your other friends, were they less selfish, might have taken you to one side well before now and asked how you were doing, and pointed out that your behaviour was affecting people around you and made you aware of it. Instead they have waited and waited, knowing that you are not normally this miserable person, then let you have it when you are at your lowest ebb. I don't think this was kind of them. I am not saying they are not true friends, just that they are not as mature as you, your ex and the other friend.

The important thing here is that you have recognised your behaviour needs changing, that is a big step, and something many men much older than you find impossible to do, I hope you never lose that quality. The other important thing to remember, is that you have apologised, which also shows maturity and a genuine care for other's hurt feelings. If certain people chose not to accept your apology, they probably weren't a friend worth having. During a lifetime, we will all make mistakes, all of us will hurt someone we care about either intentionally or not at some time or other. If someone hurts us, and we care about them and they realise and then apologise, if we love or care for them, we will forgive them.

I am sure that given a little time, most of your friends will come round. You have said you are sorry, you should not need to apologise more than once if it was a genuine apology. You could try speaking to some of the friends who told you how they were feeling, even if it wasn't nice, and thank them, for pointing out to you that your behaviour needed changing. You can explain, if you want to, that you were hurting and feeling jealous and that behaving that way is not the way you are normally, and you hope to prove that to them. But your real friends will know you, will forgive you, will be fine about it. The others, maybe they will come round, but just beware of them in future, I'm not saying don't be their friend, just be a little bit aware that when the going gets tough, they may not hang around like the two you can count on.

In life, we all go through ups and downs, and having friends you can always count on is a very supportive, comforting and healing thing to have. Even if we fall out with them from time to time, a true friend, will be able to accept or make an apology where necessary, and put the past behind them. There will be others you think are good friends who disappear at the first sign of a problem, be wary of these.

You also need to learn two things which I think will really help you. As you know, I have answered a lot of your questions over the past week, and the thing that I pick up from your questions, apart from the fact that you are a sensitive and caring person and quite mature as well, is that you are far too hard on yourself and that you do not believe in yourself all that much.

Whilst it is a good thing in life to analyse your feelings and behaviour from time to time, kind of keeps it real, if you are constantly harder on yourself that people around you are hard on you, you will find it hard to live up to your expectations and wind up disatisfied with a lot of things, which would be a shame for someone with so much to give. And although it is never a good thing to be big headed and totally love yourself, it is a good thing to like yourself, and to show yourself love, by believing that you are a good person, that you deserve good things, good friends and that you deserve to be loved. You should recognise that you are a thoughtful and considerate person, I know many 14 year old lads who often forget their mother's birthdays, let alone plan a trip to Meadowhall to get them something a bit special. And I do not think I know any 14 year old guys who would take on board what their friends have said, analyse their behaviour, do something about it, apologise and recognise that they have two very good friends. So you have much to like about yourself, as far as I can see.

I am pleased your two friends have not complained about your behaviour, it shows they are as compassionate and understanding as you are, but you should accept their friendship the way it is given, and not feel that they should complain. They have chosen not to, accept that with the grace they mean it with.

Years ago I heard about a prayer that is used the world over in Alcoholics Anonymous and all the other anonymous clubs for gamblers, addicts and all sorts, and even if you do not believe in God, it is a really good prayer to learn, just to say to yourself when things get heavy, as it tends to sort out the things you can deal with and the things you just have to live with. It goes like this:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You have said sorry, things will blow over, if some of them don't come round, they weren't worth having as friends, so just enjoy yourself with the ones who are worth it. I hope this helps.

Answer 2

If somebody's being a jerk, there is usually a urt baby below. they had a undesirable day. They spilled coffee on there fave blouse. They lost there activity. Their spouse left them. From gentle to severre, they has a coarse couple of days and don't be attentive to the thank you to regulate their anger, so as that they deflect onto others. i'm no longer asserting undesirable toddler, it is not their fault. yet no one's basically a spontaneous jerk.

Answer 3

Dude!
I have a 13year old son. Get over it. That is what i would tell him.
There are many fish in the sea, and being a jerk to your family and friends wont help you. It only makes things worse. And if your still friends with your X, that should be good enough. You have H.S. to look forward too. Don't get to ahead of your self. You only get to be a teenager once.

Have friends that you hang out with and catch a movie with as a group.

Life will get better.

Answer 4

You know what? Don't worry. I might be sounding rude, but, it's true. As the saying goes: 'Friends come and go, but family will always remain constant.' Basically, don't waste your time trying to get your friends back, because over the next few years, it might happen without you realising it. It's happened millions (well, it feels like millions) of ties to me, so, it has a 96% chance of happening to you.
I hope that I helped.

Answer 5

Sometimes if you left it too long, people will have moved on already. If you are successful and your friends are real nice, they may go back to being friends with you but maybe not as close to you as they were. Fight to win them back with letters or a sincere act!
If you're not successful, try to learn from this experience and avoid regrets and similar experiences in the future. In time, you'll move on and find other friends.

Answer 6

If you have learned your lesson. Then give it time. It was your actions being a jerk that pushed you away from the friends you lost. Not it will be your actions that can mend the fence or not with them. Be yourself because actions speak louder than words. And hopefully, your ex-friends will become your friends again.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Write it all down. You have to be sincere about everything you say and be persistant.
My best friend once got mad at me and wouldn't isten to what I had to say so I just kep trying until she was like 'whatever. we'll see. but for now, I need to not talk to you'
so for a week I had to avoid her, eat lunch somewhere else and mainly ditch all my friends.
But she forgave me in the end.
=]

Answer 8

it's just a phase. don't worry about it. all shall pass.

Guilt subsides.

Believe me, I punched out this hobo last week and it hasn't bothered me for 5 days!

seriously, get a life. 12 YEAR OLDS? LoSEr!