Newly married with step children?

Question

When my husband and I got married he had two sons a 12yr old and a 14 yr old. He has joint custody of his sons. Right before we got married he lived about 15 mins from them. We have now recently moved. And it has caused some problems because we live an hour away.. The children seem to be very resentful and they are starting to tell their Father that they don't want to come when it's his time to get them. He was also considering fighting for custody which I thought would be a bad idea , since they are already stating that they don't want to be here. Can some one give me some advice on how it should be handled. has anyone else gone through this with children who don't want to spend time with them? How would you handle it if you have joint custody?

Answer 1

Move back to where they are.
Don't give me any stupid excuses, either. There's a way to do it.
What moving away told his kids is "I have a new life and don't care if I'm not near you any more, but when I say so you're going an hour away from your home and friends to fit in to my busy schedule."
Try to remember how personally children take everything.

Answer 2

I think that the children are resentful of you, or jealous. PLEASE do not feel bad about this. Children have the delusion that they are lvoed less or that their parents will get back together, etc. I have been through this. I think it is more the age than the move. My son was 10 when I met my husband. We married when he was about 11, nearly 12. It was okay for about 9 months, then all of a sudden he no longer liked my husband. Mind you, previously he had said that my husband was more of a dad than his own was.

My son is 21, nearly 22 now, things worked out. There were ups and downs, but it worked. My son even decided he wanted to live with my mother instead, so he did for about 7 monts, came back.

Be nice, loving, compassionate and interested. But stay firm and do not become a door mat or kiss but to have them like you.

You are right, a fight for custody would be a bad idea. They should come each time like it or not. They can be told we can either have a good time or a bad time, but we are still gonna have time together. Important also, don't let them play you and your hubby against each other, they will try.

Answer 3

At 12 and 14, I'd say they are old enough to know where they want and don't want to be. They are probably still adjusting... Just keep the door open for them to come if they want to, and express how much you BOTH want to see them.

If they are saying they don't want to come its for a reason... You should look into what reason that is, and resolve it fast. Maybe make sure the weekends (I'm assuming) are fun, doing things the kids like to do, amusement parks or recreation, whatever....

The biggest thing is, this is your husband's problem and they are his kids, and you need to just be there and be supportive. Stay away from making decisions and instead offer advice.

Traveling also takes its toll, even on kids, so maybe some portable game or video stuff for the car ride would help? I remember how boring being in the car when I was a kid was, and seriously, even as an adult, I can't imagine doing it every weekend without some serious entertainment.

Answer 4

At age 12 and 14, there is no point in fighting for custody. Unless they are in a dangerous home and is in the best interest to have them live with their father. At the age of 12, children have the decision where they want to l live. If they don't want to even come visit, there is no way they'll agreed to live there. As far as the anger, it sounds like they are upset because he has moved away. As it is, their homelife was interrupted by their parents getting divorced, now once again, their father moves away. Children need structure and get upset when things change. They also might be feeling like their dad has moved to be away from them. The best thing to do is have him continue picking them up. They need their father to show that he has not abandoned them. Even if they refuse to leave with him, they need to be shown that an effort has been made. Don't get too involved in your husbands decisions what to do with his children. They will start to resent you, and cause further problems. I'm having the same issue with my kids, they can't stand being over there with their dad, but I can't force them to go and I will not refuse to let them go. It is up to their dad to make the effort, so far, he hasn't showed up and he is basically given up on them. For sure he is making a mistake because kids remember and the way it looks, he has lost the father/children bond. Good luck ya'll, wish you all the best in these troubling times.

Answer 5

Unfortunately not sure there is really much you and your husband can do as kids naturally start to pull away around those ages especially boys who just want to be around there friends more and do their usual daily and/or new activities.
I don't know how long you have been married but they are even older now. They may not feel they really enjoy themselves while visiting you both and more than likely they just don't look forward to the hour drive there and back. I think you and your husband should sit down and openly talk to them without judgement or making them feel wrong or guilty.
Listen to them, find out what their needs and wants are and then maybe you and your husband can find a solution but if they really don't want to visit I wouldn't make them because what's the point of driving the distance and picking them up to visit if they are not going to truly enjoy spending quality time with you both. They should be getting something good and positive from it...if they feel they are not don't push it further.

Good luck!

Answer 6

I think its reasonable for them to resent the decision to move away that their father made. Apparently he didn't consider the consequences of his actions nor how this would effect his kids. I think you need to work out a plan to make it easy on the kids, you married a man with children and like or not, they have become your new first priority. I think you two need to make all the efforts here, I think he needs to back off and not worry about where they stay right now, as long as its ok with their mother. What you could do is drive to where they are, spend the day doing activities for them, including the basic stuff like doctors appointments and trips to the library to work on homework and homework projects. If mom isn't ok with this, then she and your husband need to sit down calmly with the kids and tell them that what's done is done and they will be going to their fathers house as they were before.

The point here is that while you are establishing your new life, you need to be supportive of your husband but basically keep your opinions to yourself. I don't know who thought it was a great idea to move so far away, but if it was yours, think things through alittle better next time.

Answer 7

It is completely natural for the children to act this way. They were used to having their father right there, and now it probably feels like he's abandoned them, even though thats not really the case. I wouldnt blame them for acting up, I am sure it will calm down with time, as long as he continues to spend time with them and proves that although he has moved houses, he has not moved out of their lives. It will take some extra work and effort, but they will come around. As for the custody thing, i think it is a very bad idea unless their mother is acting in a way that is unfit or harmful to the children. They will resent him (and definitely you) even more if he takes them from their mother, makes them change schools, and leave their friends.

Answer 8

Are you sure they resent the move? They are at an age where they probably just want to hang out with thier friends and do fun stuff with their buddies rather than hang with Dad.
Try this, let each of them bring a friend and plan something as a group that they will enjoy. I realize you can't do this all the time but if they were home they would probably be with their friends so I bet it helps out the situation. Also when their buddies see how cool their Dad and his wife are, they will probably look forward to the next visit also. I think it is nice to see a non-paternal parent like yourself who cares enough to make an effort. The bad side of this is the situation may get worse the older they get due to friends and girlfriends. Teens seem to think their friends are their world and it isn't uncommon for them to put friends before family.

Answer 9

Although with joint custody there is a living and visitation arrangement. What is the arrangement? If your move has disrupted this arrangement you need to do whatever is necessary to help the boys with the new arrangement. Maybe on the weekends stay in a hotel close to them. The bottom line is the boys' emotional well-being. Some compromises have to be made to facilitate the better. Make their visits fun. Plan activities. to do with them. This problem can be resolved, just think of the boys first. Good luck!

Answer 10

I just say make time for them. They might not want a step Mom right now and you have to understand how they may feel. Your husband also needs to make time alone with them, so they don't feel you took there Dad. That is how alot of kids feel. They will eventually come around he just can't give up. 1 hour is not far so he needs to see them more often. Also if he is wanting full custody for a reason other than just to have it than shared is fine dont try to take there mother too. If they are in danger get them out of there.

Answer 11

I really don't have a good answer to this question but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. It is often very difficult to merge 2 families successfully. The ages of the children are going to make it even more so. I had a very hard time with my husbands 2 daughters, his oldest didn't like me at all and made it known to everyone. It caused a great deal of stress on our marriage and I never was able to get "close" to her. I just wanted to wish you good luck and to say that maybe finding other people that have gone through this or are currently going through this may be able to help, even if it just for "venting".