Now that my dad is dying, how to I deal with the guilt of our past?

Question

My dad has only a few days maybe weeks to live. I'm really struggling with it because I'm afraid I'm going to have guilt when he's gone. i love my dad and we have been close since he found out he was dying 6 months ago, but we've had a really hard past together. My brother hasn't spoken to him in 12 years and doesn't care that he's dying. He was a very distant man who was overly critical of his kids and who stayed relatively uninvoloved with us. I have forgiven him, I don't know if I can forgive myself for so many wasted years.

Answer 1

Let's get one thing out - I'm not trying to stuff "religion" down your throat - but understand that prayer is a VERY powerful tool. Even today's medical profession is acknowledging the power of prayer. Don't underestimate prayer.

You can't do a thing about your brother- except pray for him. Your brother is his own person. Whatever dragons he has to slay are for him to slay - not for you. this includes any regrets he may have after your dad dies.

Now then. True forgiveness begins with forgiving yourself. The best way to do that is - guess what - to pray. Pray for the mercy that you need to forgive yourself for what you call "wasted years."

Understand that you cannot change the past. BUT you CAN affect the future by what you do NOW. That means spending time with your dad. Let him know that you're so happy that you are now close and that while you wish things could have been different when you were a child, you treasure what you have NOW.

Listen to your dad. Now is a time when you can ask questions about how he spent his childhood - record these for your own children/grandchildren. Let him reminisce about what his own dreams were when he was a kid - etc. etc. etc. Again, record these - you'll be glad later. Trust me.

But have no regrets. The Bible story about Lot's wife is pretty good - she turned back to look at what she left behind and was turned into a pillar of salt. Well, that's really more allegory than truth - she turned into a bitter, sad, old hag - who was dried up with regret.

And Pray. Daily - to whatever greater force you feel most comfortable praying to.

Hope this helps.

Answer 2

Since your have already forgiven your dad then don't think of the guilt anymore. Forgiveness brings healing and reconciliation. Just try to make him happy for the remaining days of his life. At least you can make up for the lost time that you have not given each other.Give him all your attention now and you will see that guilt will never have a place in your heart anymore.

Answer 3

I'm so sorry you're feeling sad. You made an effort to be close to him for the last 6 months. I'm sure he has regrets of his own from the past.......he's probably feeling the same way about the wastd years. But you've made up and have a close relationship now. Nothing you did was your fault.

I know this probably doesn't make you feel any better......but in the long run its your brother who will probably have regrets. At lease you've made up now. :(

And to beatthegib....The Living Years came out right after my father died. Its a tearjerker for sure.

Answer 4

Stop beating yourself up... it's NOT YOUR FAULT that your father was harsh and you had a rough time growing up. It's not your fault your father was critical and uninvolved with your childhood.. it's YOUR FATHER'S FAULT........

And also, it was the past.

Sometimes dying, wakes us UP to our mistakes, and i hope your father has apologized to you. Just because he's at death's door, doesn't make the past go away, either... you stil feel pain from what you went through.

Your brother has every right to feel how he feels, and besides, you can't control what your brother does, hon.

You said "i don't know if i can forgive myself for so many wasted years...." You DID NOTHING, except suffer at your father's hands...

Stop trying to rationalize what your dad did, and stop blaming yourself. Forgive your father if you want to. You aren't responsible for what HE did to you.

if you can't cope with this, i'd suggest talking to a therapist. and doing the WORK it takes to recover from this unfounded guilt you seem to be carrying around.. it's not healthy for you...

sending hugs and good thoughts your way..

Answer 5

Cherish the time you have now. My dad died last year quite tragically by choking to death and instead of remembering that tragic incident, I remember how a week before he died, he called me on the phone (he almost never did that) and asked me to come over and have lunch with him, and I almost said "gee dad I've got alot to do today having only one day off from work" but I didn't, and we had lunch together, drank some wine and reminisced. I now cherish that day in my heart. The time you spend with your father now is what matters and will matter in your heart after he's gone

Answer 6

When we ask God for forgiveness of our sins, and He forgives, those sins are in the past and forgotten. He doesn't bring them up again. You've forgiven your father for his part in the past. You didn't do anything then, yet you've taken a major step now. You have forgiven, now forget it, and make the most of the time you have with him. I'm praying he knows God and accepted Jesus into his life by now; if not, I hope both you and he will do so together. God bless both of you.

Answer 7

Sounds like you don't have much time left, make the most of it. Just talk to him. If he has half a heart at all, he's probably feeling the same way and is just ashamed to open up. So ask him to forgive you.

Take the initiative and just talk to him. There's not much point in reliving what happened in the past; you can't change it.

Answer 8

Forgive yourself, Stef. You didn't know this was coming on before it did. Maybe you would have made amends with him anyway, maybe not. But no good will come of you blaming yourself. You can't help feeling guilty but you can't let it get the best of you. Let it go. Tell yourself that it was okay to feel guilty but now it's time to let it go. I'm sorry you are going through this now.

Answer 9

You have to forgive yourself, let him know you love him and you are glad you have had him in your life. After all he is your father you wouldn't be here without him. You can't change the past but you can move on and find forgiveness.
Sorry about your father I know its hard, thank god for the time you have had with your father. God Bless You.

Answer 10

You don't know how your Dad was raised, so he might have been repeating a cycle from his upbringing.If anyone will have guilt when your Dad is gone, it will be your brother. The important thing is you are there now at a time when your Dad truly needs you.Tell your Dad you love him.