Is it REALLY normal for a 4 1/2 year old to start throwing more tantrums & refusing to stay in time out?

Question

I have beent old that it is normal, that around this age they feel more independent and they are testing that and testing you. I just spent 30 min putting him back in time out and he is finally staying now. The last few times we went out to eat we had to leave because he would not listen and kept crawling under the table and lying down & putting his feet on the wall! I know nothing traumatic has happened to him. I spend plenty of time w/my kids and they get lots of praise, lots of time outside playing, time playing w/other kids, they eat very healthy foods.
Most of the time he is very well behaved, great w/other kids, shares, takes turns, goes to bed without any trouble ...
what do you think?

Yes, I am staying firm & strict. Thank you.

Answer 1

Yes it REALLY is. I have 5 kids, ranging from the age of 9 to 16.
My oldest, boy now 16, was a wonderful baby until he hit 2, you know the terrible 2's and then the horrible 3's and then came the I can't do this anymore 4's. I was a stay at home mom so I couldn't understand when all of a sudden this beautiful well behaved baby turned on me. He went to bed just fine, potty training with in 1 hour of training. When we would go to family functions he normally was great. He played very well with other kids.

But sometimes, he would just go "wild". For a good example. I was 37 weeks pregnant and I went to the grocery store to stock up due to a big snow storm heading our way. While in the store, he was 17 months old, he grabbed at everything. was constantly throwing things out of the basket. He throw a carton of sour cream at a little old lady and hit her with it (the look on that lady's face was enough to make just hide and cry). When we finally made it to the check out, I was trying to get all the groceries on the belt and keep him from trying to grab everything he could. At his store the computer they used was right by the table you signed your checks. Well after ringing up over $200 and barely hanging on to my son he because he was reaching for that key pad. Well he got it and it wiped out everything. I couldn't put him in the cart because it was full and I couldn't put him down because he would run away. So all I could do was hold him and ask them to redo the ringing up. I was in tears. By time we got home I was in labor with my daughter.

I realized that when ever he turned his tantrums on was when we were in public. He know that I wouldn't set him in time out or yell, so he used that time to act out.

We finally had to do something. I was at my witts end. I even cried thinking I had done something wrong. But after several support calls, I found I was not doing anything wrong. But I was given some ideas.

I'll pass on a suggestion that was given to me and worked. Maybe it will help you.

First I tried telling him wellin advance before we were going somewhere and why. Then I would tell him that if he was good and did not act up, when we were done we would get some ice cream. The first time I did this it did not work and he did not get ice cream and oh was he mad. He was testing to see if I would actually follow through. So the next time I did the same thing and he did about 50% better. Well I didn't know what to do. He did do better but not well enough that deserved ice cream, but I did not specify how he was to act. So I gave in and got the icecream. So the next time I explained exactly how he was to act and if he could we would go to a play ground he loved and I made sure that he understood how he was to act. And once again he was only 50% good. So we went back home and he threw a fit because he should have gotten ice cream. I explained that he did not follow the rules he needed to act the way I told him to be able to earn any rewards. By the 4 or 5th time, he started calming down a lot and we finally could take him out and then he realized his boundries and eventually we didn't need to reward this good behavior every time we went somewhere. But we did do it once in a while to let him know great he was that day.

Hang in there, they are growing and do have minds of their own from day 1. As time progresses they change and so do you. forbid you try to tell them anything different.

Keep your discipline going. You can't give in. If it is 10 min in the time out chair... it is 10 min. If he gets up...with out a word take him back and get down to his eye level and say "you have 10 min in the time out chair for doing .....what ever it was......" Don't give in, he is testing the waters and you have to make sure you stick to his punishment. It may take some time, but it will work. Make sure you have a reward for good behavior also.

Good Luck

Answer 2

My son's the same way and the same age, and I too feel like I've never deprived him of anything. It's frustrating to be a mom sometimes, but just hang in there during those trying times, we're all in the same boat. No, there's nothing strange about his behavior and no, you haven't been a bad parent. It sometimes helps just to be reassured. I'm sure you've already tried this, but distracting him with something else when he's acting up can sometimes help, bring something along when you go out that you think he might get curious by and take it out when he's being difficult. You might also try making special deals with him too before you go out, promising him some sort of prize if he's well behaved which doesn't necessarily mean it has to be an object or an edible, but could mean telling him a story or going to the playground together or just doing something he really enjoys doing together.

Answer 3

It may seem a bit ridiculous, and very inconvenient for you for sure, but the best way to teach him that his tantrums will not work is to diffuse them. Perhaps you have a friend or a close relative you can call on a moments notice. Call this person (if you have one who can help) Plan a shopping date and time that works for both of you. Have this person be on standby. Go to the store as usual, when the tantrum starts give him a choice. He can stop his tantrum and stay with mommy where you will give him healthy choices to pick and he can help you put them in the cart, or he will have to leave (you will call the person if he chooses this) but you will expect him to pay the babysitter with one of his favorite toys. This works, but only if you mean it and you follow through with it. You will have to hold up your end of the bargain if he chooses to stay and give him choices in cereal or whatever and let him help you, or you will have to have the babysitter meet you at the grocery store and take him home, where he will "pay" him/her with his favorite toy (to be held until he earns it back) If you don't have person you can count on to do this with (once, twice, until he gets it) then you will have to leave the full cart and go home. Tell him you will try again tomorrow but if the tantrums return he will have to wait another day to buy any food. Again it may have to happen a couple of times, but I had to do it the second way with my son and it didn't take him long to learn that tantrums lead to no fod at all! He still asks sometimes but when I say no if he protests it is a short pout before I turn to leave and he apologizes and ends the protest. He knows he would rather go home with the groceries than nothing at all. You can do it, I know it's hard, but stand your ground and you will be glad you did when it finally sinks in for him.

Answer 4

Thank GOD! I really thought that I was all alone!

My 4 year old daughter used to be delightful! We had a little boy last year and she seems to have bounced back from that fine. She just started preschool and has plenty of things to entertain her.
But the blatant No's that she gives me when I tell her it's time to go to the corner. The counting to three doesn't work anymore (unless my husband does it!).
I am at my wits end. I was thinking about selling her to the gypsies.... but since you've given me hope that I'm not alone, I will tough it out a little bit longer.
Thanks!
Sorry I didn't answer your question even a tiny little bit.

Answer 5

Who's the boss here? You are! Make your discipline stick. I have seen so many parents hand out discipline and then when the time is up, they approach the child with hugs, etc. YOur child needs to know you are angry (before you really are). Give it some time before you start feeling guilty and hug and kiss. A small chill in the air from Mom can help make them think about what they are doing. It's planned action, and you should do it while you are not truly angry.

Answer 6

it does sound like he is testing his boundaries with you and this is the time to get tougher, or it will get worse! kids need to see what they can and cant get away with, and how far they can really push mom or dad to get away with what they want to do, just stay strong and consistent with him so he knows you WILL NOT tolerate the behavior, take away favorite things and incorporate more time outs for longer if necessary, be patient and it will get better, just keep the upper hand on him so he knows who is the boss

Answer 7

Yep. Normal. He's testing his boundaries...my friend's pediatrician calls it the "effing fours".

Answer 8

very normal. mine does it too. its a power struggle. with mine he does it when he is told no you cant have the cookies or no you cant play out side alone. welcome to the why not phase and the kicking and screaming my sons doctor said this to shall pass

Answer 9

you being the parent should be in cotrol not the 4 1/2 year old, sure they'll still throw tantrums but u should be in control of them