Partner suffering from depression following fathers death?

Question

My partner of 4 yrs lost his dad in Feb after a long illness. The family cared for his dad (my boyf & his sisters)
Due to perhaps the stress of the situation there was conflict between my boyfs sisters over various things. The situation also put pressure on our relationship but we remained very "tight".

My partner asked me for some space some months ago now but we still see each other & go out each week. When he talks about the situation he really vents his spleen about his anger/ hurt /frustration about the medical professionals who did his Father a disservice, his sisters squabling & also some references to me. I have tried to play devils advocate to say his sisters were upset too but he says thats not what he needs to hear. I have tried to reassure him that he did everything for his dad (& he really did)
I know that there is no magical sentence I can say to fix things for him. I dont think that he will see a councillor so feel I really need to say the right thing.
Any advice?

I love him very much. Right now he is pushing me away a bit (we are more like good friends)
I feel that to do anything other than my best would be falling short. I really want to say & do the right thing but Im not a doctor! I suggested he sees someone but he said no & he is very strong willed.

He is hardly working at the moment. I took him to see Alan Carr last night as they say laughter is the best medicine! Seemed to do some good but cant see it helping long term!

Its his dads birthday next week which could be a contributing factor (positive actually) He is going to scatter his dads ashes but rather than go with his sisters, is taking a third and going on his own.

Please help!

Answer 1

What a loving thoughtful person you are. I posted a problem yesterday and had such a lovely response, everyone wants to support you to support your partner. Give him his space, but let him know that you are always there for him. Take him out as you have done, or stay in with a takeaway and bottle of wine. Try and get him to talk about happier times with his dad, let him talk or not talk as he wants. I'm sorry but it will take years, my dad is very very ill and I am trying to brace myself for the inevitable. I remember when our friend died tragically young and it must have taken over 5 years to be able to think of him without getting upset. Now we try to remember the good times. Be strong for him, lend a sympathetic ear, but dont side with his sisters - he needs you to be there for him. Good luck.

Answer 2

February isn't that long ago and it's going to be a long time before he comes to terms with his dad's death. Losing a parent is something you eventually learn to live with, not something you ever get over.
His situation is made worse by the fact that he feels alone in his grief, due to the squabbling and arguments with his siblings. He can't grieve properly because he's trying to deal with that too.
Guilt is a major part of grieving, you always feel as if you could have done more, should have said something different at a certain time etc. That's perfectly natural and there's nothing you can do about it.
The best thing you can do is just be there for him when he needs you. Right now, you're the only person he's got to rely on and the only relationship he trusts. Give him support, be on his side and simply be there while he works through his pain. Get him talking about good times he's had with his dad, just him and his dad. Don't mention the siblings unless he does. Ask him about childhood memories etc, but don't push.
It will get better, even though that seems far away right now, and you'll both come through this stronger.

Best of luck (:

Answer 3

It appears like you might have re-active melancholy , alternatively than scientific despair, which is if you end up depressed on the grounds that of something that has happened, as opposed to it just "taking place" and you no longer realizing why. At least you will have an perception as to why this has occurred to you, so possibly you might ask for some counselling periods, to talk it by way of, but you can too improvement from a slight anti- depressant as a transitority measure,to get you over a foul time, as it appears to have affected you fairly badly. While you do not need to turn out to be reliant on anti-depressants, many times we need a style of stepping stone, to aid us to get to where we want to be. I've finished quite a lot of self-aid companies, and learnt coping strategies from them , which have proved to be worthwhile. I nonetheless use them 25 years on, i do know i'll normally have a tendancy to be prone to getting depressed IF I let myself, but i have learnt be optimistic,and became my life around, and if you are decided adequate, that you could too. I desire you the very satisfactory. Excellent luck.

Answer 4

Give him space and give him love. There is no time limit on coping with bereavement - he has to find his way through this and it will take as long as it takes. If you love him then let him use you as a sounding board and don't even try to say the right thing. Playing devil's advocate is not what he needs - his mind and emotions are in enough turmoil as it is - he just needs affection and space. Good luck.

Answer 5

It seems such as you have re-lively melancholy , quite than medical melancholy, it particularly is once you're depressed because of the fact of a few thing that has befell, as adversarial to it merely "happening" and you no longer understanding why. a minimum of you have an perception as to why this has befell to you, so consistent with probability you ought to ask for some counselling training, to talk it by using, yet you additionally can income from a young anti- depressant as a non everlasting degree,to get you over a undesirable time, because it seems to have affected you particularly badly. collectively as you do no longer desire to boost into reliant on anti-depressants, now and lower back we desire a style of stepping stone, to help us to get to the place we would desire to be. I even have completed multiple self-help communities, and learnt coping techniques from them , that have proved to be useful. I nevertheless use them 25 years on, i be attentive to i will consistently have a tendancy to be carriers to getting depressed IF I permit myself, yet I even have learnt the thank you to be valuable,and grew to become my existence around, and in case you're desperate sufficient, you may as well. I choose you the very ultimate. sturdy success.

Answer 6

He's scared. A) someone close just passed so why would he want to be close w/ anyone he doesnt have to be only to lose them too eventually? B) sounds like his sisters are kind of messed up, and you are a girl, so maybe they're betrayal or whatever is making him doubt you too.

its not your place to fix him. I know you want to, and you prolly have the best intentions, but sounds like he just needs someone to listen to him and agree w/ him right now, you can point out other factors later. Get thru this phase first.

Answer 7

your not on your own when people suffer with deppression they often take it out on the nearest and dearest its better he see a counseller but saying that they will only do what your doing which is listening theres a group called bereave if there still going who will give you advice on help dealing with your boyfreiends depression but you seem to be doing a great job on your own i really feel for you both ive been through the same and to repeat my self again bereave is the organisation you need to speak too failing that its an old saying but its true time is a great healer but stick with it you seem to be doing great and i hope things get better for you both which im sure they will

Answer 8

Just listen. Be there.

Lots going on inside him. You need to be strongly silent. And comforting.

Find some books by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She was the one who started the study of Death and Dying (one of her titles) and helped get the Hospice system going.

See if you can get some info from Hospice. You sound like you may some counseling too.

Answer 9

What about his mother? If she is gone too this is very common. When one loses their second parent they become very uptight and alone. Feel like they are the only one left to do anything for themselves.

Only thing he can do is try to start getting in touch with his higher power and try to work on himself. Nothing no one else can do but be there for support.

Answer 10

I cant tell you personally what you can do, but after a death in the family it can lead to many different ilnesses for different people.
I have found this website that might help.
I hope it turns out alright