Are adoptees supposed to feel 'bitter' or angry, upset, etc, about adoption?

Question

I don't think bitter was the right word, but you get what I mean. I've just been reading a lot of posts from some adoptees on here and they say some pretty far out (to me) things about adoption. Is this an expectation now that adoptees should feel like something is missing in their lives, or be angry?
I'm just asking because I'm an adoptee, and to me it's just the way things are. I've never even thought of myself as an 'adoptee' really, it's just who I am.
Just wondering, thanks all!

Answer 1

All adoptees are different. I’m adopted and have never felt bitter, angry, upset about it. I’ve always been at peace about being adopted; I have never felt that I was missing something not knowing any genetic family. I have always felt that I belonged in my family which is probably because I do. This IMO is where God wanted me to be, and the family he wanted me to have. Heck I don’t even think of my family as my adopted family, their just my family, my parents are Mom and Dad, even though they are my adoptive parents I just think of them as Mom and Dad.

Of course I know that there are adoptees who do not feel this way, some despite having been adopted by a good family. I respect how they feel though I must admit its more of a foreign land to me as I don’t feel that way. I also know how I feel is a foreign land to them.

Answer 2

No, an adoptee shouldn't be required to feel any way about adoption except they way they, themselves, truly feel.

Some are very happy about it, and some are not. Some are middle-of-the-road.

And really, it has nothing to do with how "good" the adoptive family is. I had great adoptive parents, the best parents period. I loved them more than anything.

But always having that knowledge in your heart that your "real" mother gave you away, well, that hurts.

It hurts.

Some people don't feel that way, some do. It hurts me, that's my truth.

And upon reuniting with my natural mother and finding out the truth behind my adoption? That is when I really started to not like adoption.

My parents were a couple, they were married 6 months after I was born. The ONLY reason I was given away was because the adoption agency stepped in due to the fact that she was "unmarried". They put me into a foster home, wouldn't let her see me, and finally after 4 months they were able to talk her into giving me up.

To the Agency, I was a commodity, a Profit, pure and simple.

That does NOT make me very happy at all about adoption.

My natural parents could very well have taken care of me, in fact WOULD have, if the Agency didn't get involved. My maternal grandmother even tried to keep me, but the coercive tactics of the Agency were just too well-practiced.

I am glad for foster kids who get adopted, there are situations where adoption is necessary. But what happens AFTER the adoption...the changing of the child's name, the altered birth certificate, the sealed records...that makes me angry. It is forcing the adoptee to take on a new identity and denying them their rightful information.

And people who write these "dear birthmother" letters and troll MySpace for young pregnant girls are the ones who create this big big business that the Agencies profit from; not the people who do want to make a difference and take in the kids who ALREADY need a home.

Making a young pregnant girl feel that she has NO CHOICE but to relinquish, to me, is what's wrong with adoption. Denying adoptees their birth certificates, their records, their own personal information...THAT is what's wrong.

Adoption SHOULD BE about finding a home for child who NEEDS one;

It should NOT BE about finding a child for a home that WANTS ONE.

BIG difference.

Sorry this got so long-winded (or typed...)

Answer 3

Adoptees aren't "supposed" to feel anything of course! But for the ones who do feel sad, hurt, anger etc, look at what they're up against? In this list alone every other post tells adoptees what they should feel.

I agree that validation for happy, sad, angry, unhappy etc, is what most adoptees want to see happen for themselves and their adopted peers, so sharing with others some common adoptee feelings the general population might not know about about, (or even adoptive parents, fellow adoptees etc sometimes!) is really helpful in creating an environment where we can understand and support people who have a really hard time with it.

And some REALLY do.

Answer 4

i am an adoptee also and i dont' have any inhibitions about being adopted. maybe cause i k now about myself a little more then normal. i mean some of them will never beable to find their dads or moms cause they have no clue where to go. it could be why they are angry and wondering if they gave them away why did they and say yes they could have kept the baby but i do know in the 40's it was unreal for someone to do this and were looked upon very badly keeping the baby and not letting it up for adoption. there are so many sides to this and the older i get the more i realize its hard with the options they had then and now. its unreal and i am very sad about those being so upset. yes i guess i am not so much upset about adotpin but at one point i hated the people who made me but then again iw as young and knew nothing of what was going on. I was adtoped by a great aunt and uncle and iw as pretty lucky but wasn't broughtup my to know the realtives i should have known i was knowing the older generation. but its ok i have grown to this. you are ok and so man i at least we are set and ok with it good

Answer 5

Even though adoption is more prevalant today, I think there is still somewhat of a stigma in society. Some ignorant people automatically assume that if you're adopted, then it's something to feel weird about or a topic to be avoided. Yes, there are SOME adoptees who have negative experiences but you can say that about almost anything in the world. There is hardly any experience where 100% of people enjoy it 100% of the time. That's just life. No process is perfect, including adoption. But for those who have had GOOD experiences, I believe adoption is a wonderful thing and can change lives. I am adopted and have had a wonderful life! I love my parents. I've had no emotional issues with being adopted. There is nothing wrong with being adopted in my book!

Answer 6

I am an adoptee and yes I did feel at times growing up that my younger, bio brother was favored and yes that made me feel bitter. But now as an adult I see that it was really just that my brother followed the rules of the house and I tried to break/bend every single one. I also felt rejection knowing that if my "mom" didn't want me than who did, like I was adopted beacuse they felt sorry for me. Every once in awhile I still feel the need to please other people like at my boss at work, my husband, my friends so that they won't leave. I have a hard time when relationships fail or friends come and go. You have to remember that every person is unique that is what makes the world such an interesting place if we all felt the same thing about every situation we would be more like robots than humans. Each person will feel different, act different and see different things about a situation. Not all adoptees will feel bitter or angry but not all adoptees will feel happy loved and accepted. There is no right or wrong way to feel about being adopted. There is only the way that you feel about it.

Answer 7

I am an adoptee and I would probably be classed as one of those that are bitter. My adoptive parents were very strict and abusive. They never hugged me for no reason and said I love you. The only time they talked to me (and still do) is to tell me something that I have done wrong. But, on the other hand, I am sure that there are just as many good adoptions out there. It just depends on the situation. I have always felt an emptiness that was filled when I found my mom.

Answer 8

Being adopted is an extraordinarily difficult experience, if you are like the typical infant to strangers adoption, at birth you lose your mother, father, sisters, brothers, aunts, unlces, family history, name etc. If you read child development books they will tell you over and over how important mother is to her infant, and this is just mother, with her smells,her heartbeat, not a stranger however well intentioned.


Most of us then go to a couple of strangers with their own problems, infertility, or the death of a child, or they just have a savior complex.

So after this huge loss the first thing we are expected to do, is take care of the emotional needs of these new people.

Meanwhile, if we EVER express any negative feelings about it to anyone, we are told to just be glad we weren't aborted, subtext, we don't deserve to be alive.

Put that combo together, and it is pretty clear why adoption leaves some pretty deep scars. Lots of adoptees don't even allow themselves to acknowldege it because they have been constantly told they will break their adoptive parent's hearts, that they have no right to their grief or confusion.

Only through examing this aspect of my life , have I been able to start to shed the anxiety that I lived in, because if you pretend a problem isn't there, your body has a way of getting sick, for me it was anxiety disorder.

I am better now, because I can acknowledge my own self, my own worth, and not feel like a dancing monkey for aparents, (at least most of the time)


Good luck on your own self-discovery, and to make a short answer long, no you don't have to feel upset, but if you do, that is a perfectly legitimate response, by being adopted you were dealt a hell of a hand.

Your aparents may have bought you a pony and a pool, but adoptees like everyone else have the right to grow up and stop seeing their lives through their aparent's lens.

Good luck.

Answer 9

I think many adoptees might feel a sence of adandonment, maybe bitter, my parents gave me away. Maybe wonder what was wrong with them, that there parents didn't want them. I would hope that their adoptive parents could give them enough love to over come those feelings. My birth daughter was 29 when I found her, her adoptive mom was angry we had found her. She really has a great mom and now she has a good friend in me. We have both been through counciling.

Answer 10

I think you should feel how you want to feel.

But that's usually the problem - too many are quick to tell adoptees how to feel. Already people have stated how we should feel here in this thread.

Non-adopted people are not told to feel grateful for living the lives that they live. Why are adoptees told how they should feel??

I had very loving adoptive parents. I have 2 great adoptive sibs. I couldn't have asked for any more material possessions or love than I already had.

BUT - I also had many losses - looking different to the ones I grew up with, not knowing what family I came from, not knowing and growing up with my bio sibs, not getting to grow up with the mum that I grew inside of - the one that has the same genetic make-up as me - the one that has the same quirky habits that I have.

In me - there is this kind of hole - this emptiness - that has been with me since I was separated from my mother.
It's an emptiness that I could never truly talk about - but it was just there.

The hole is not quite as large now - as I have finally found my family of origin - but it can never be totally mended/fixed. Too many years have passed - too many lives have changed.
When I had my own children - and when I met my bio family - those losses became glaringly obvious.

I'm not bitter or angry about any of that.
More than anything - it just makes me really sad.

I do get angry when I see expectant mothers pushed into adoption when that really may not be needed.
My own mother was pushed that way - and that makes me sad.

All of this - is how I feel.
I've done a heap of reading, talking and research to come to where I am now.
And it's taken therapy, blogging and support groups to finally stand up and say how I feel.

I was ALWAYS told how I should feel.
I am not going to be told how I should feel any longer.

How YOU feel - is your truth - it is all about you.
And you should be able to feel how ever it is that you want to feel.