What are my rights as an un wed mother?

Question

I have twin girls 10 and a half months old, their father has seen them only 3 times. He lives in Central Missouri and refuses to come up here (Des Moines, IA area) to see them, he wants me to come down there or meet halfway, but he will not come to his daughters home to see them. But now all the sudden he wants them every other weekend, and every other holiday, no help with day care, and hasn't paid support in almost 4 months. What are my rights, I am desparate, My daughters are worth more to me than a check every month, and all they are to him is a tax write off, and a second chance for his girlfriend (who is also his ex wife, and can no longer have kids). Please what can I do?

Okay, I have lawyer, unfortunately I don't agree with what he is saying either, he agrees with the father, and it doesn't seem like hes intrested in fighting, and i believe my girls are worth fighting for. I am contemplating getting a diff lawyer, but I need to know if I a leg to stand on or if I'm living in fantasy world.

Please help, especially if you have education of the law, or experience in a similar situation.

Answer 1

Get legal advice. In my state (Texas) visitation and child support are two seperate issues. Temporarily, check out some law sites online regarding your state.

Always no matter what, keep in mind this is about your twins and not him and not you.
Good Luck.

Answer 2

Same boat here, except without the twin part. I am in the state of Georgia, and things are a little odd here, if you are not married at the time of birth the father has no legal rights to the child. You should see if Iowa has a similar law, either way DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN OUT OF STATE! Possession truly is 9/10ths of the law.

For example, if he "visits" the kids, and takes them to Missouri with him and there is no custody agreement he can literally just take the kids. The jurisdiction of a custody case is where the child resides...if that is with him, because he has taken them, then that is where the court proceedings take place. Your first step is to talk to a qualified professional that can clear this up for you. Go to your local child support enforcement office. Even if there is no order, they can help you get one. Once there is an order in place you can rest easy because you will have legal rights to your own children.

I know it sounds stupid, and I know a lot of people are saying give him a chance, do the right thing, but your daughters are young enough not to realize what is happening. Don't wait and drag them through this when they are 5 or 10 and they don't understand why mommy and daddy are fighting. Child support and visitation are really two separate things, BUT he isn't paying child support, he isn't paying for the daycare, and you are suppose to bust your bottom to meet him where he lives...that’s just silly.

Child Support recovery/enforcement will be able to sort it out, and to be honest sometimes there are orders of child support without any visitation being given to the other parent. I know it sounds harsh and I sound like a total witch, and I’m bitter, whatever. Think really hard at what could happen...fix it now before your kids are actually capable of being aware of what is happening!

Answer 3

If he does not hold up child maintenance he can get in serious trouble, which Im sure affects his right to demand where and when to see the children. I know that here in VA I have to allow my ex (not married either) to see our daughter every other weekend and at least a week or so in summer and alternate major holidays which can be really difficult. My lawyer says it has to be half and half unless one party doesnt mind - ie drive half way, or take turns, which again because of your distance could br real hard. I use to have to drive 3 hrs each way, which sucked. You also have EVERY right to say NO and miss the occasional weekend if you have family commitments and here in VA you do not have to give a reason why, even if asked. Im not 100% sure but if he doesnt pay he loses all demands on visitation till he pays up, so to you although the money doesnt really matter ( as you are sole looker afterer), it will do if it ever goes to court etc. Dont let it stress you out too much, just keep calm and make sure what you do is for your kids so if down the road he and his girlfriend decide they want custody you have a really good base to stand on. Keep a journal of all his demands, what he does or doesnt do etc, as that could be a really big help. Here in VA my lawyer has told me too keep it as it is rather than legally go for sole custody as then all visitation would have to be set in stone so to speak which then reduces the leeway etc. so I still feel in limbo and it does suck.... keep strong and look after those lovely little girls!!

Answer 4

Well I am not sure what you want to do. But as the biological mother with custody of your children you do not have to provide transportation out of the state the your X's home. Also if the children do not live with him for 12 month of the year he has no legal right to claim them on his taxes. And as far as child support goes, if you know his address and phone # get ahold of the Child support Services office and give them the information they will chase him down and get you child support. I don't know what you divorce decree says about custody but if it gives him the right to see the children or you were ordered to let him see them you can go back in front of the judge and request a Stay of Custody due to financial reasons and lack of paid child support. You can also go to the court house in Des Moines and see the judge to get a court order to collect child support from his place of employment.
What ever you do, do not refuse to let him see the children until you have a court order, this will only look bad on you.
If he goes to court, you may end up meeting him half way to drop off and pick up the children. My suggestion is to get to the court house first. Also if you on any kind of State assistance you are eligble for legal counsel @ little or no cost to you. This information can be obtained from the local Dept. of Human Services.
To add to the tax issue if he has been using the children I would also contact the IRS and let them know that you have had full custody of the children and he is falsely using them for a deduction.
You can also have a judge order a supervised visits while he has the children, in this they state would have a state paid employee come to his home while the children are there.
I think that this should get you on the right track.
My best regards for you and the children, I hope all works out.

Answer 5

Gawd, I wish I could give you more specific information than this, but any little bit may help to spark another idea...

Try your local department of health and human services. Just to ask them about child support and how it affects your situation. If you do not have a formal or court-ordered custody/visitation agreement with the father, then I don't think you have to allow the demands he is making.

It would be great if the two of you could work together and make this pleasant, but I know it doesn't always work that way.

If there is an agreement, abide by it or it will hurt you, your children, and your parental rights in the long run.

However, if there is no agreement, work out a schedule that allows him to see his children - if he comes to them. Those babies are too young to travel for his convenience. If he REALLY wants to see his kids, he will make the trip.

Don't let him bully or intimidate you, if there is not a formal agreement of some kind. But do what is best for the girls and try to make this work.

I wish you the best. I was a single mom for a long time and know this could easily have been me. I saw the writing on the wall and moved out of state a week after giving birth and have been lucky enough to go eight years without a word from the "father." I did my best to involve him, but quickly realized he was not interested in being a parent. I don't want his financial support and have never asked for it. I raise my daughter and will keep doing that - with the help of her DAD now. My husband, who is not her biological father, but is definitely her daddy. I would encourage you to stick to your guns on this - no matter how difficult it is emotionally, spiritually, or financially. And it will be. Sorry. But those girls need to be the priority and it sounds like you make them that.

Good luck getting the father to do the same.

Answer 6

Since there is nothing legal in place, there is not much that he can enforce. However, if his name is on the birth certificate, you have a right to file child support against him. If you want to establish visitation, it would be best to do it legally since he sounds like a flake. If it is established, you can also establish the grounds of getting the girls back and forth. Most of the time if this is not in a legal format or mentioned in that format, most judges will tell you that a halfway point is reasonable. I personally feel that all children should have a relationship with their fathers. Even if he is bad at every other point in his life, maybe, just maybe, he will actually be a good father. If he isn't, he will show his tru colors to the girls without you having to say a thing. Just make sure that you cover yourself legally so that he has no recourse.

Answer 7

Keep you children with you, do not let their father take them for a" visit". Once he has the children in another state he can claim "you gave them up" to him and you'll have a terrible time getting them back. Now, they are no tax deduction to him if he does not support them or live with them .The tax deducation is yours even if he starts paying he can only clain what he pays as child support not as a dependent. Check with Legal Aid if you can't afford a lawyer. If there is no Legal Aid in your state talk to a lawyer who gives free consultations so you can find out all of your rights. I know where I live if the fathers don't pay child support they lose their drivers license and the state gets after them ,sometimes they go to jail . Talk to someone please, I think your being taken advantage of.

Answer 8

First thing that you must do, would be to contact a lawyer (if you havent already done so), because if you are not married to him it would be your right to get full custody. I doubt that you would have to have joint, since he lives so far away from you!! Plus, with your children being so young, they shouldnt be allowed to go out of state!
Then there is the issue with him not paying you any child support!! YOU DONT HAVE TO LET HIM HAVE THEN UNLESS HE IS PAYING YOUR SUPPORT!! If I am correct, if he isnt paying support on them, or if they arent living with him for "6 months out of the year" then he cant claim them on his taxes...I dont think!!
If you get a good lawyer, then you should be able to fix it so that he has to come here, and stay in state with them for his visits, at least until they are much older!!

Answer 9

I don't know a lot about the state laws there, but generally speaking, since the dad hasn't been around the kids in a long time and hasn't been paying support, he likely won't have a whole lot of clout in trying to get custody unless you are a bad mother. You need to see a lawyer immediately (and yes, you can get him to pay for the lawyer in many cases) and you need to go to court to get full physical custody, have his wages garnished for child support, and give you the sole rights to claiming them for taxes. Go see a lawyer ASAP and don't let this man take your babies from you!

Answer 10

Stick with whatever arrangement you already have. Offer to meet halfway and nothing else. If he wants them every other weekend and every other holiday, then he needs to go to court. He needs to start paying child support. They are, technically, half his, and if he wants to go to court to get custody (which he may not get too much of), then he has the right to do so. Since you've been on your own without help from him, you've got a better chance of getting sole custody. Just so you know, when they are this little, they suggest an arrangement that's 3 days with one parent, 3 days with the other. Has nothing to do with weekends, etc. It's for stability reasons for the kids. Once he finds this out, he may no longer be interested. Good luck!