My boyfriend is agnostic, I'm Jewish. If we have a son someday, he won't allow a circumcision. What to do?

Question

I think he's against it because he's not circumcised himself. This is so important to me. I'm 27 & my clock is ticking. I want to have a baby in the next 10 years. I don't want to waste my time with a man who doesn't agree w/me in this area. Please help!

Answer 1

I am English, most men here are uncircumcised and if I were with an American partner I would be upset if they wanted a circumcision. Just because your feelings about circumcision are based upon religion, and his are based on his own intrinsic beliefs, does not make his belief any less valid at all than yours.

As to the rest, I am also 27 and am starting to feel my clock ticking and like you would like to have children in the next ten years so I understand where you are coming from in that respect. Though my relationship with my boyfriend is long-term, he is 22 years older than me and though he would have children with me, I am conscious somewhere that the differences between us are only going to get bigger with time and that I am now at a point in my life where I am not prepared to just be with him now in the present and not consider the future - I can't do that anymore and I am presuming you are feeling the same way.

Is it really just the circumcision or would there likely be other less physical ways in which you would disagree about the upbringing of a child? I suppose I allow myself to say privately of my boyfriend that his age is the sticking point, but that is just a nice umbrella way of describing all the doubts I have about the differences that would crop up in a shared future together, especially if we ever had children. This is the point of your life where you need to decide whether any differences you have can be overcome to the satisfaction of you both, and if not then maybe it is a sign that you should move on, because his time is wasting too. Certainly not preaching, either, because I am worrying just the same.

Answer 2

The boy will be better off if you forget about those stone age tribal mutilation rituals and leave his penis complete.

Contrary to what these sheep that answer here say there are no real benefits to male genital mutilation. I should know I have been living with the results for 52 years.

It is a simple matter to wash a complete penis, much easier than cleaning a girls gear, and girls make smegma too!

85% of the men on earth have complete penises and they do not have a problem "getting girls".

"Circumcision" will not prevent or even slow down STDs , the non-circumcising nations of Europe have lower STD and HIV rates than the US has.

"He will be the odd one in the shower room": No he won't the rate of "circumcision" has fallen from almost 90% a few years ago to 57% now, there will be plenty of other complete boys that are going to tell the mutilated ones that "somebody cut your d!ck. You are missing part of it!"

Answer 3

Perhaps this shouldn't BE an issue that keeps you from having kids -there are much bigger issues that will come up.

What about YOU learning the proper care for an infant with a foreskin - they will teach you this at the hospital - it takes just a wee bit more care when changing diapers and when potty training. Hell, your boyfriend already knows the proper care, so he can help too.

It's also easier for little boys if they "look" like their dads- less confusion and alienation there.

Besides, what if you have a girl? The point is then moot.

On this one small - no pun intended - issue you should be willing to compromise.

And if it's keeping you from having kids, then I suggest that there are other, larger issues here that you aren't seeing or are refusing to recognize.

BTW? The ONLY health issues are from men who were never taught to properly clean and care for their foreskin. And recent studies show that circumcised men actually have greater health risk of skin cancer on the penis than men who are not.

The old jewish tradition of circumcision was for health reasons, but in this day and age, we have better hygeine and better medical resources.

Answer 4

My husband and I were both there for the circumcision of our son. The hospital allowed us to be in the room for any procedure he had done. I think that most hospitals now will let you be there...and if they don't mention anything about it, just tell the nurse that you want to be with your son for the procedure and they most likely won't have a problem with it.

Answer 5

It is amazing some of the responses that you have received. People (mostly women) stating that you should dump him for him not wanting the child to be circumcised, that he is not respecting your beliefs, etc. People: What about his beliefs? Why does nobody care about what he wants or his beliefs? Typical problem with North America these days, where everything is focused on the rights and beliefs of the woman and who gives a rats butt about the guys rights or beliefs, etc.
You need to respect his beliefs as well. There is medical data available that will show the pros and cons for circumcision, however, if it purely because of your religion and nothing to do with the welfare of the child, then you also need to re-think your position. Doing something to the child for religious reasons is terrible and should not be done. However, if it is to reduce health risks down the road then do so. You must make that decision and provide the facts to him to show the reasons behind circumcision. However, please do not do so for a religious reason, since NOTHING you do for your child should be based on what people believed 2000+ years ago when they thought the world was flat and that earthquakes were God's wrath and lightning as well, etc. Religion throughout time has caused more harm to men, women, and children throughout history than anything else. Just look at your Bible and the amount of people killed throughout it and what has happened throughout history in the name of religion.

Answer 6

::speaking gently::

I think you need to reconsider your boyfriend.

First of all--you're Jewish. I don't know what that means to you, but being Jewish HAS meant something to people for 4 thousand years or so. You have a rich heritage, a long, unbroken line all the way back through Moses and to Avraham. It's an incredible and precious heritage, even if you aren't religious. Not many people have such a history!

The sad fact, though, is that Judaism is disappearing, and largely because of intermarriage. Wikipedia says: According to a 2002 study[5] by the Jewish Agency, "the number of Jews in the world is declining at an average of 50,000 per year." That figure is beyond alarming: It's tragic.

Again, intermarriage is the main reason that this is happening. If you marry someone who isn't Jewish, you by definition don't have a Jewish home. Your children are much less likely to identify as Jews when they grow up, and far more likely to marry non-Jews.

Whole Jewish families have disappeared this way.

In addition, we're commanded by G-d to marry only other Jews. Again, I don't know how religious you are, or if you even believe in G-d. If you do, though, please know that you are disobeying a deliberate and oft-repeated command if you marry a gentile.

All of those other factors aside, I wonder why you would want to be with someone with whom you are already having such major disagreements. Life is hard enough--marriage is hard enough--without having one person blatantly over-ride the religious traditions of the other. I think your boyfriend's attitude makes it much more likely that any children you have--though legally Jewish--won't identify as Jews.

And bear in mind that, even if you aren't religious now, you may become a bit more so as you get older. It's something that happens to many people--they marry someone who's gentile because religion doesn't matter that much to them, only to find, ten years later, that they've changed and the differences are no longer manageable.

A really good book to read bout this is "The Committed Life" by Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis. She's an incredible person--she's getting very old, but is elegant, dynamic, and charming, and also very convincing!

All the best to you and your future Jewish kids!

Answer 7

You'll have to sort it out. If you have no problems with your partner's penis then why should your son have surgery against his will? Not all Jewish people circumcise nowadays and as I'm sure you know there are no medical reasons. How about give your son the choice? It's his penis after all. He can choose his religion, and what to do with his genitals, when he's older.

Answer 8

Well, you said it all yourself. You don't want to waste yrou time with a man who won't agree with you and he doesn't! So, time to move on and find a nice Jewish guy who will at least agree with you on circumcisiing sons.

By trying to change his mind about circumcising your son is akin to him trying to convince you to have breast reduction surgery. Both remove body parts without medical justification. Sure I can understand yoru religious reasons, but since he is not Jewish, he is not obliged to follow the Jewish faith in this one.

Answer 9

I don't understand why it's important, but I'm not Jewish.

Look at it this way though...he's not, he wants his son to be like him. I understand that. I am circumcised, and I'd want my son to be because I am. I don't mean to sound judgemental, but it seems odd that you'd date an uncircumcised guy, but require his son to get cut.

Sounds like the two of you really need to sit down and talk about it, good luck.

Also, don't take the advice of those telling you to do it anyway. Like father, like son is a very important issue here for the father. To do so would be a major betrayal on your part in the relationship. Make sure it's resolved before it comes to that.

Answer 10

If you prevail, your son cannot change his mind later. If he is intact, HE can decide to get himself circumcised as an adult. Isn't it better to resolve this dispute by letting your son make his own decision?

Please look at a site devoted to Jewish thought on this subject: http://www.jewsagainstcircumcision.org/