When is the right time to have the "need to know where this relationship is going NOW" talk......?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 5 years now, and I'm not happy anymore. It's nothing in particular that he's doing, I'm just not happy. I'd love to do the whole "break" thing, but right now that is not an option, unless I move back into my parents house, as we live together.

I guess what I'm asking is, I'm planning on telling him how I feel, and why, and I'm sure he's not real happy either, so I'm sure I'll get a rebuttal, and I'm going to ask him if he thinks the relationship is worth salvaging, and taking like a 6-7 month break, or if he thinks it would be best for both of us to chalk it up to experience, break the tie now, and go our separate ways. HOW IN THE HELL DO I BRING THIS UP????!!!!

I'm not pissed, we're not fighting, when I get home from work, do I just say, "Hey honey, I'm home, and I'm not happy, blah, blah, blah"? Honestly, I've never broken up with someone I've lived with before. And why do I feel so guilty???

Answer 1

Hey Batmantis,
I honestly don't think he will be nearly as surprised as you may believe. As a matter of fact, he will probably be relieved. Love has a cruel way of working. It either burns out and washes away, or develops into something completely different...something warm and safe and always there. I'm guessing your flame went out about two years ago...and a combination of fear, guilt and hopefulness took it's place. Now hope has left altogether. You are left with a roommate and little else.
So, where from here? If things aren't bad between you, a few more months together...but not together, will be hard, but not impossible. I'm guessing that you depend financially on him to a certain extent...and possibly he on you.
Can you handle moving home? What other options are there? If you had some time, would you be able to find another place to live? Or could you handle getting a roommate? You need to cover all these possibilities first. The relationship part will sort itself out...one way or another. I've known many people who lived together for up to 6 months before they could afford to separate.
You'll also want to give serious thought to what communal property you would like to take away. Of course none of this needs to be discussed until later, but you need to have a plan regardless of what happens. You don't seem to be desperate to get out...but need to move on.
You've obviously been thinking about this for a VERY long time. If you need a way to bring it up, ask him if he's happy. He may just take it from there and at the VERY least, he will know how you feel by implication. It will take some of the guilt and pressure off you. If he reacts in a way you don't expect, you can always say to him that HE just doesn't seem happy. And then tell him why you think he is unhappy. Why things are different and distant between you. Like I said, I don't think any of this will shock him.
As for taking a break, I have yet to see it truly work for anyone. It sounds good, but it ties you to someone and something which is now gone. The guilt alone is enough to make things unlivable. To be honest, if you break and he comes back into your life at a later time through fate or accident, then maybe it can be considered. But love and life cannot be planned without repercussions for both people.
So ask yourself if you're happy...now why would he be? Look, we all fall in love and move in together because we want to be happy...or happier. It's not like either of you planned on falling out of love. I think he'll understand...at least I hope so.
Lots of luck...you know where to find me if you need more help...Kes

Answer 2

Just sit down with him, and explain that you are not happy with the way thing have been for awhile. Tell him that you would like to work on the situation if he feels that the two of you have a future together. You might want to suggest couple's counseling, if you still think that the relationship is salvageable. If not then you need to move back to your parents house, if you want to take a break. It would be too stressful for both of you to carry on a break while still living together. I would not invest more than another year in this relationship before either taking the marriage plunge, or moving on. You do not want to waste your life away. Every year is another year older, and you can't get those years back!!!!

Answer 3

Sounds like you thought this out and do have a plan, first do it in a public place- like a restaurant over dinner(to insure some civility) second, start this slow and look for his clues as to where he thinks this is going (he may be happy and unaware of your feelings or thinking the same thing) Be prepared to get negative feedback instantly ( have a place to go for a while to let him think it over) Listen for signs of trouble, (maybe call a domestic violence hot line for advice) Admittedly this could be all your own doing/ ask yourself how and why you are at this point. Be reassuring to him that this needs to be dealt with and will improve the quality of both your lives and something that is negotiable. Good luck with this........

Answer 4

exactly how you phrased it... best way to say something serious is to just bring it out into othe open. just make sure the tv is off :D

umm you feel guilty because he problably loves you more than you do him. so you feel like youd be letting him down in some sort of way. but honestly is nobodys fault if the love has faded.

gl & peace!