Should I invite my father to my wedding? HELP!?

Question

My father was a very abusive man when I was young. He was abusive mainly to my mother and some of my brothers and sisters. I however was spared this. My parents divorced when I was 8 and I haven't seen my father in over 12 years but I will speak to him once every year or two. However, before all of this I was very very very close to him and well he is blood. Not to mention that all of my 4 brothers are very close to him. But the trouble is that my grandfather used to be the chief of police (who I am closer to than my own mother) and my uncle is a very passionate advocate against domestic violence. Not to my step dad and I'm afraid what will happen if they ever see him again. My father is still blood but its my wedding day and I really dont want the police show up to my reception or deal with someone getting hurt and the drama of it all. Should I invite him? If not how should I break it to him that he's just not invited? PLEASE HELP! I dont know what to do!

Answer 1

Hi and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

This is so hard and is a decision only you can really make. My question is: how does your mom feel about you inviting your father? I know people can change, but she must have terrible memories and then to bring him back? I would ask her.

My thought is....no....I would not invite him. It would be different if you had lots of contact with your father, but you haven't seen him in 12 years and you only speak with him every year or two? NO.....sounds like he could have made an effort to SEE YOU and has not. I would not invite him, but that's just my opinion.

In the end, you will still need to make the decision. Good luck with whatever you decide!

Answer 2

I have a similar dilemma. My problem being that my father is a deadbeat who walked out but I feel I have to do the right thing and invite him. I was given some very good advice and I'm going to pass it along to you now. Discuss the situation with your fiance and with your family and make them all aware that you want to invite him and that you want everyone to play nice. You also will have to have a similar discussion with your dad. Once the 'play nice' orders have been given if you don't feel good about the situation that may arise consider either hiring someone outside of your family or your family's influence (since you stated your grandfather is the chief of police) or consider not inviting your father. It would be difficult choice between designated bouncer for your dad or that vacant seat but the fact is this is a choice you will need to make. I don't believe that, despite your family's want for your day to be wonderful, everything can go smoothly. One thing I suggest if your father will be there, regardless of everyone's (assumed) assurance that they will play nice, is don't serve alcohol. It is a proven fact that alcohol is 1) liquid courage and 2) instant as$hole. Everything could go splendidly until the reception and then someone has a few drinks and the next thing you know its a wedding episode of Jerry Springer and all of everyones past transgressions are flooded with light.

I wish you the best of luck with your difficult decision and I hope that everything goes exactly as you hope it will.

Answer 3

You say you haven't seen him in 12 years and only speak to him once every two years or so......Is this a person you want around you on your special day? Do you think he deserves the privilege just because he was a biological donor. You may have been close to him when you were 8, but what about the years in between when you really could have used him in your life? See, to me that would mean alot more to me than the idea that he's close with your brothers....why not you? No, I think I would spare myself the anxiety and stress of the situation and just not invite him. If he has the gall to ask why not, just tell him that he missed 12 yrs of special days, what's one more to him?! Yes, that may sound cruel, but honesty is better than sugar coating it or asking for promises from him you know in your heart he probably won't keep. I think too it's better on your own heart to decide not to invite him than to have him refuse your invitation.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

Its really up to you if you want your father there or not. Yes he is still blood, but if he hurt you and your family, why would you give him the benefit of the doubt to your special day?? He really doesn't deserve to be there, but If you feel its the right thing to do, then invite him. I can relate to you on almost everything. My dad and step mom abused me for 5 years of my life and I totally thought that what they had done to me was all my fault and it took me months of therapy, and tons of suicidal atemps to realize that I can'r change my dad and it was never my fault. I am getting married in 09 and my fiance and I have both agreed to not invite them, but knowing how excited my dad is, I might just have to invite him and hope for the best. In knowing that you can't change him, then maybe you shouldn'y invite him knowing full well the cops could be called and you don't want that at all.. If you plan on not inviting him just tell him the truth. Lying to him will just hurt more in the end. Always follow your heart. Trust me everyone will understand when he doesn't show up.

I hope that this hbas helped and I wish you the best of luck.
Congrats on the big day.

Answer 5

No. Invite him to your home for a home-cooked meal to meet your husband after the wedding. Don't go into details with him about any of it. It will be too uncomfortable for your mother, uncle and grandfather. I would say that this doesn't matter if you have built a close relationship with him over the years, but you have a fairly arms-length relationship with him. Inviting him to your wedding isn't going to bring back the relationship you had with him prior to the trouble. I think it would be more damaging than healing for you to have him there. If you want to have a closer relationship with him, the wedding isn't the place to do it. You will be so busy greeting everyone who is there that you won't have time to spend with him and you don't want to stress the whole time about what's going to happen with everyone.

Answer 6

Etiquette says that you invite both halves of a married or engaged couple. If your gf's mother stayed married to the abuser and didn't protect her, why would she invite either of them? If they're divorced, there's no reason to invite him. I'm acquainted with a woman whose son and fiancee' married privately with literally only the two witnesses and the officiant in attendance. All the parents were invited to the reception held a few minutes later. Or you could elope.

Answer 7

you know that kind of man isnt fit to be a father due to the way he has treated your mom. I believe you should ask your mom, brothers and sisters what you should do. If they say its ok then its ok however if they say they dont really care for him then do what your heart tells you. Use your judgement and you wont regret it. I wouldnt invite the guy, just enjoy your wedding and try not to ruin it with family affairs. Majority rules in this situation and even though you feel the need to bring the man to your wedding he did treat the majority of your family badly. Karma sometimes hit those in time and i think it would benefit evryone in the long run if he wasnt there.

Answer 8

Are you close to your dad? If you are, I would let your family know in advance that you've made up your mind and you're going to be inviting him. Don't argue it or get into any big fights over it - just let everyone know this is your decision. Then at least they have time to get used to the fact that he'll be invited. Would you be asking him to walk you down the aisle? Keep in mind that this may be a worse blow to your family than just inviting him in general, especially if someone else raised you better than he did. (You could choose your grandfather, step-dad or even your mom.)

Answer 9

As others have said it is your wedding and if you want him there your other guests should respect that. I mean let's face it. People behave better at these special occasions than they do for everyday usually. You can ask your family to respect your wishes and if all else fails you seat your father with your husband's side of the family at the reception. You could spin it as having someone from your side of the family to welcome them to yours and do something similar with a difficult member of his family. People usually behave better around those they do not know than family (I know my kids do.) You could also go the second chance if only for that day route with your side of the family. Your father was abusive 12 years ago. He may have changed. I am not the same person I was 12 years ago. I have grown and changed. He may have also and for your sake on your special day they need to give him the benefit of the doubt if only for one day. You might want to ask you father to extend the olive branch also. Good luck and I hope this helps.

Answer 10

Tough one, however, it's your wedding, and you should be able to invite whoever you want to be present. I would just make clear to all of the concerned parties what you expect of them on your special day. Inviting your father to the wedding, and not the reception has merit. You could arrange for a special private celebration with your father at another time to limit the challenge for those who suffered at his hands - I think he should understand. Weddings are a time when everyone should try to respect the wishes of the bride and groom.