Do you do stuff like this? Is this normal? Am I the weirdo- wedding etiquette?

Question

So my soon to be mother in law calls me in a panic because her brother whom she hasn't seen in two years (I have NEVER met them and they didn't even bother coming to the engagement party or shower) is insulted we didn't invite his children and all their grandchild over the age of 21 since the card says adult reception. They are insisting we at least have to allow them to have a least 5 people and they are only slotted for two.
My question is- Is this normal behavior? In my family it’s completely unheard of questioning an invitation- and if you don’t like it then you just decline. If you don’t get one- you just think wow that’s rude but won’t dare question it. I think it’s rude and tacky to call up and insist on having more people. Plus I think they are being ridicules because they were even insulted to be told that they would have to wait for a few people to cancel and we shouldn’t have a problem working it out. My fiancé’s mom thought we should just “cancel” invitations to our friends because family is more important in her mind.

Do people start smoking crack while they read wedding invites?? Or are wedding invites printed with special ink that once your touch it- you go crazy?

The place only holds a 150 people we just can't say YES because there will no seats or food for them- this is a fancy event.

Answer 1

I hardly ever say this in Weddings, so buckle your seatbelt...the next four words will shock the crap out of you.

You are absolutely right. One does NOT call to shoehorn extra gets onto the invite...it's only marginally less rude than bringing them uninvited.

Is it normal behavior? Sure, among uncivilized boors.

I think your fiance needs to take point on this because it's HIS family. You shouldn't be in the middle of this.

Answer 2

There are a few things:

1. While there is not crack in wedding invitations (as far as I know), the word "wedding" seems to make people go crazy. I am not quite sure why.

2. It's your wedding; invite whom you want. Because of space constraints I had to exclude all of my parents' cousins (which number at least 100 with spouses). Am I inviting my friends? Of course. It's my party, after all. Will there be hurt feelings? That is unavoidable, but the people that you choose not to invite will most likely be the ones that you never see.

3. On the other hand, you must realize that different people have different traditions. In my family, the names on the invitation are the people that are invited. However, my fiance is from India, and they invite EVERYONE (there were 10,000 people at his brother's wedding). So you need to be a little flexible (just not a pushover).

4. Try to keep your cool. Trust me, I know this is difficult. However, you don't want to say something when you are angry and then never be allowed in your MIL's house.

I hope that was helpful.

Answer 3

Yeah--it was rude of him to call and insist that other members of his family be invited.

Are you inviting other cousins (which is what his kids and grandkids are to you fiance)? If so, then it was probably rude of you not to invite all your adult cousins.

If family is really more important to your future m-i-l, then why didn't she put them on the list to begin with?

The guest list is decided by the people putting on (or paying for) the event--not the guests. This most likely means you, your parents, or his parents. So whatever decision was made when originally making up the guest list is still good--despite his ranting. You can explain with something like, "We have limited space and invited only friends and family we're especially close to."

Good luck! He doesn't sound like he'll be happy no matter what you do, so you might as well make sure you have the people you want with you to celebrate your marriage.

And remember: the marriage is more important than the wedding. As long as you end up married at the end, it was a successful day.

Answer 4

I agree with you, that is really tacky and cheesy for someone to call up questioning an invitation or insisting that they be allowed to bring more guests.

Although the alternative could have been that they talk behind your back about it.

Or, another alternative could be that they just showed up anyway - - which happened at my wedding.

So, I guess you need to count your blessings that they were at least cheesy enough to give you a warning.

If I were you, no sense in fighting it because it will only make you look bad to them and they might give your husband a hard time. Now....if I were in your shoes I would be very gracious and tell your mother-in-law that you didn't realize it was that important to them...and how many people would they like to bring and that you will definitely allow them to come....and then increase your guest list with the place where you are having the reception....then inform your mother-in-law that she owes you $______ for the extra guests.

:o)

Answer 5

Haha -- you sound like me! Welcome to the "fun" world of weddings!! I was just there too (I'm glad it's over). It's amazing how weddings bring out the bizarre-ness in people. People who hardly even know you crawl out of the woodwork when it comes to getting invites -- like it was the Grammys or Oscars or something!

I think you're perfectly normal feeling the way you do. If you invited him and his wife/significant other, that should be plenty. How were you supposed to know, after all this time and them not showing up, that they would all of a sudden care about what's going on in the family -- enough that they have to include their whole tribe! I agree with you that it is rude of them to demand they bring the entire family....even if they are adults. I wouldn't cancel your friends invites for them -- your friends have been part of your life all this time....where was this guy (til the "free dinner" bell rang)? Inevitibly, you will probably have some "no" responses so you could fit in their 3 extras, but I would either have the mother-in-law or someone explain to them that since you hadn't heard from them in a long time and they didn't show to the other events, you weren't sure they would "want" to come to the actual wedding -- much less bring their whole family, so it was not that you didn't think of them or mean any disrespect. Being the bride, it's hard to keep everyone "happy" and not step on any toes. Etiquette is wasted on some people. :) If it goes like my wedding did, you'll have plenty of people who RSVP'd stating they were coming for dinner and then they never show....or people who RSVP'd that they weren't coming...and they did -- with a date!

Best of luck!

Answer 6

Wow, you're future mother in law has definitely decided her loyalty and heads up sweetheart, it aint with you. She's probably just so happy to be in contact with him that she's trying everything to get him there and all of his wishes granted. It is totally ridiculous to have to "uninvite" some of your friends to please your FMIL.

Bottom line, it's YOUR wedding. It is never cool to have someone call and ask "Oh about this invitation, does it really mean no kids? Or is this really only for two, what about if I bring...". As a bride, you specifically word an invitation a certain way in hopes of not coming across overly rude, but not weak enough to where everyone invites whoever they want.

Obviously, this new family member is someone who doesn't really care about your wedding, or else he would have put more of an effort into coming to your events. To keep the peace with your FMIL, invite the brother and his wife. If he asks/demands to know why his family wasn't invited, you tell him that you only had enough room/money for two more people. Period.

Answer 7

I know what you mean, at my wedding we had a guest insist on having their friends come (we had no idea who they were). They asked my MIL who has a hard time saying "no" so my husband and I had to deal with the madness. 3 people at $150/head... Who teaches these people manners???

I think your MIL (like my MIL) is getting way too involved, have your husband talk to her. You don't want this to get an uglier.

I had guests complaining about paying extra for early check-in (these are the same people who invited extra guests, we changed the wedding day to accommodate their vacation) and they have the nerve to complain about early check in. If they had no money I'd work with them but 4 out of the 6 were MDs.

Keep your cool your never going to see these people, they're just in need of attention.

Don't do what I did, keep giving and she'll keep taking. STAND YOUR GROUND

EDIT Speak with the manager of the facility and ask him if you can have five more people. I think your getting ahead of yourself, most places give a number but may be able to accomodate a few more. Talk to the manager. After that STAND YOUR GROUND. My MIL had me changing menus, order more limos and she still wasn't happy.

Answer 8

Okay, miss bride, you are the one in the right!!! YEA!!!
I don't know about the crack or ink, but I do know that most people don't have the good grace, consideration, or manners that God gave a goose! Also, when free food & drink is involved, they will act the fool!

They are totally wrong, & here's what you do. Have your fiance talk to his mom. Tell her that you two have made the decisions for the wedding & the guest list. You considered the space, the budget, & which people you are closest to when you chose the guest list. The relatives will either get over it, or they won't, but you are not changing it to accomodate fit throwing, childish, selfish people!

Answer 9

They are on crack bubs. You were nice enough to tell them that if they were declines, they would be invited, but WTF!!!!! 5 people???? Like they are being invited to the county fair and all you have to do is to throw a couple of hot dogs more. I'm sure those folks haven't been to a wedding lately.
Yes, it is rude and a breach of etiquette to request more invites. Cousin's that you have never heard about and their grandchildren? They are smoking it green.

You are right, they have the option to decline if they are unwilling to come without their brood or wait and see. I have the feeling that if they show up, they may expect you to also pay for their hotel room and probably won't give you a gift because their presence is enough gift and travel expenses is enough expense. I see it from here.

You gave them a polite and quite reasonable response. If they don't know any better, that's their business. Let your man handle his mother and support your decision.

Good luck

Answer 10

Totally don't listen to her. She is being uterly rediculous and selfish. It is your wedding, do what you want. It is not up to her to invite people. If you barely know them then it's completly your right not to invite them, I wouldn't.For my wedding, my fiance has some family be barely knows and rarely sees so we are not inviting all of them and I don't care if they get insulted, it's my wedding, you know? Just think the same thing. Don't change it for her, she will just have to deal with it. I agree with you, you don't question it, just accept it. It's really good of you to invite her brother in the first place, don't worry about the rest of his family. Don't scrap your friends for people you don't know, doesn't matter if they are related. Obviously they don't care much anyway seeing as they never went to your other pre-wedding things. Remember, it's your wedding, do what makes you happy and just tell her 'sorry that's the way it is'. Good luck.