How do you justify selective honestly to young kids?

Question

We all do it, but deep down we want to teach our kids that honestly at all times is important. However, even driving down the highway there is not a single person that doesn't go over the speed limit and technically this is breaking the law, so how do we on one hand choose when to be honest and on the other hand teach our kids about honestly without being a hypocrite or having them end up choosing their own selective honestly?

I mainly want to teach my child to be honest with me at all times and not omit things to avoid consequences. But when I look at my own life and the life of every adult I know, we are all very selective about things.

I would like to hear how other parents have successfully guided their children with the value of honestly in light of this.

Thanks so much for your help.

Answer 1

First of all, I was not emotionally traumatized when I found out the truth about Santa, the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny, nor was my 18 year old son.

That being said. With small kids you don't have to tell them the whole truth. When a 2 year old asks where babies come from they're usually satisfied when you tell them "from their Mommy & Daddy". The don't need the details.

The world is not black and white and it's important that kids learn that. My rule with my son was always, "if I catch you you're going to be in trouble, if I catch you lying your trouble just doubled, so better to fess up and take the consequences." On the other hand he's seen me lie to my boss in order to take him to the amusement park for his birthday. This is one of those grey areas....not totally honest but no one's really hurt by it.

Same with the speeding.......

Yes dear I know I'm speeding. Yes dear, it is against the law. If I get caught then I will have to pay a ticket, but right now I must get to _______ on time so I'll have to take that chance. We should definately have left earlier.

Nobody's perfect. We all just do our best but I think that sometimes parents feel alot of pressure to be perfect and we just have to get past that. We're not going to be so stop pretending. Just be the best person that you can be and set that example for your kids.

Answer 2

I think it's all in how the parent handles the honesty. No matter what happened, I could tell my Mom the truth, and she'd do what she could to help. After it was all said and done, we'd discuss it. I would get the "disappointment" lecture, or a talk about how what I did was wrong, so I could learn from the situation. I had a safe environment for being honest.

But, I have cousins whose parents would virtually crucify them every time they told the truth about doing something stupid. For those reasons, they never turned to their parents with honesty, and are now worse off because of it.

With regard to speeding, etc, you just need to tell them that some laws are absolute, while others bend according to your (presumably good) judgments. Speed limits are not absolute. Murder/robbery is. The distinction is usually clear.

Good luck!

Edit: With regard to Santa, no child deserves to be deceived. The excitement of having Santa for a few years doesn't outweigh the betrayal felt when they find out you've been lying for so long.

Answer 3

Not necessarily true. There are some pretty slow drivers out there, and people who drive 5mph below the speed limit.

Parents should teach their children to be as honest as possible. Because no one on the face of the planet has never lied, unless maybe the fanatically religious who lives by the Commandments, or lied without being a hypocrite about it. As honest as possible, but selective dishonesty(lying) is okay in times and circumstances where it is necessary to protect yourself and others around you. It's okay to lie(everyone does it), but it's not okay to lie at the expense of another that is using another person for personal gain, falsely misleading, or in circumstances where a danger may be imposed on self or others around them.

Answer 4

I'm contemplating whether I'm going to go the whole Santa Claus route with my daughter. I'm not religious, so I'm not going to teach my daughter that there's a magical being in the sky that created the world in six days, so why would I want to lie to her about a fat man in a beard who brings presents, only to have her find out it's not true and feel cheated and betrayed later on? On the other hand, I'm enough of a traditionalist that I want to give my daughter the excitement that the whole Santa Claus belief brings. Still don't know how I'm going to resolve that issue, let alone whether I'll lie to her about whether I smoked pot or drank alcohol underage. One step at a time, I guess.

Answer 5

I think the question of honesty can be circumvented by adapting responsible behavior in the first place.

In the example you cite, the "crime" has already been committed. Instead of agonizing over right and wrong after the fact, we should stress (in this particular situation) the importance of safety and driving skills.

Reflection and responsiblity for our own actions, prior to taking them, relieves us of the guilt and agony a wrong decision is bound to bring.

Answer 6

Only a perfect adult can teach their children to be 100% honest at all times (and those don't exist). My son is only 2 but I will encourage honesty and hope he follows my example. Everyone in this world has different values and morals and those will be instilled in their children.

Answer 7

I'm raising 4 girls. All I know is that they do 100% of what you do and 10% of what you say! If you feel convicted in the things you are doing, then rethink them. Raising a child means sacrifice. I don't always get to do what I want or get my way.