my ex-husband's new wife is bullying my kids, and they have custody. what can i do?

Question

my ex husband has custody of our 2 daughters. i only have access at the weekends. he has remarried. the kids are so unhappy with this new stepmum. she threatens them with children's homes, if they don't eat her food, and tells them they should be in care etc etc. she tells them this is not their home,so they had better do as they are told. she tells them their mother didnt want them...it goes on and on. when i see them at the weekends they are like little nervous wrecks. their dad won't do anything as he doesnt want to rock the boat. my solicitor says i will not get custody of them due to things i have been accused of in the past. what can i do to help my girls? i feel they are going to end up psychologically damaged

Answer 1

sorry to hear that, it must be upsetting. and sorry i dont have the answer. im bemused as to how they got custody tho ?

Answer 2

That's really tough and i am sorry to hear about your troubles. I don't know what ypur relationship was like with your wife but you sound like a loving father to your daughter and step kids. The step kids will move on - you are not their biological father after all so that is normal. The constant strife around your daughter is unfortunate but as I see it, you do have some grounds to try to get her to come around. When arguing with a know-it-all, I find it best to have them win the argument against themselves. Ask her what psychologist recommends embroiling a 10 year old child in disputes between adults. Seeing as she is a social worker, she will know that ethically there is never an excuse for that behaviour. And if she is ok with bending the rules in her own case, you will be able to tell her she is a hypocrite. Leave her to think about that for a few days and then ask her, the social worker, the "expert" on human bevahiour how to defuse the situation. (Generally, the most mixed up people i knew as a young man went into social work)

Answer 3

That's a tough situation. You don't indicate what you did in the past, but I would have to think that if your kids' new stepmom exceeds whatever your "crimes" were, they may have to reconsider. In any case, I recommend the following:

1. Be supportive of your children. Provide them with a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk to at any hour. My father was very abusive, but my mom was very supportive. I turned out fine. She was the difference. Tell your kids how much you love and appreciate them whenever you get the chance, and anything that stepmom says against you will go right down the drain and will come back to bite her.

2. If they are old enough, have them keep a "step mother journal." If they can't, you do it when they tell you what is going on. They just need to record the date, and every threat or misdeed the woman does. Eventually they will have enough stuff on her to use it when you do the next 2 things...

3. Talk to your ex about this and demand better treatment. Be the squeaky wheel. Complain to him every time she does something. If he loves those kids, he'll get the message. You can use their journal eventually if he won't listen and enough problems pile up on paper. It will be especially effective if they write it, but still can help if you do it.

4. Report them if they do anything to harm the children. Emotional abuse is not illegal, unfortunately, but it often leads to physical abuse. If that lady ever harms one of them or refuses to feed or clothe them (which is child neglect), then report her to the authorities. Be careful, though. Don't do it on dubious information or circumstances, or you'll come across as just trying to cause trouble. But if they are abused or mistreated, the authorities will be responsible for taking care of it. Also, if your children write down any extreme activities, it will be evidence in your favor.

Can't guarantee any of this will work. Depends on the circumstances, the age of your children, the extent to which the woman mistreats them, the area you live in, and unfortunately your past does play a part. That said, you will at least be taking an active part in doing something, and at the very least you will be being there for your children when they need you.

Good luck!

Answer 4

what she is doing is mental abuse, get the social services involved, they could do an observation on the children at there house and with you, it might help you if you do decide to give it a go at getting custody. They might suggest counselling, you don't say how old your children are but they may also be allowed to give a statement.

Either way it can't be allowed to continue, continue to give your girls the support they need and let them know how much you love them that will help, and remember accusations are just that without any evidence.

Good Luck, I hope it all turns out well.

Answer 5

What ever you did in the past can't be that bad or you wouldn't have gotten weekend visits with them. I think you need to look into your custody situation further. If your children are old enough have them keep a record of things said and done to them. Make sure they date it. If they are afraid to keep the records at home have them keep them in their locker at school. They should also be able to talk to a counselor at school. They need to be the ones to let someone know how they are being treated at home. How could they possibly feel safe in that house with a step mom telling them that this is not their home. It seems to me that their farther and step mom are the ones being abusive. Do not let this keep going on. Maybe child services could get an anonymous call about whats going on in the house. Good Luck

Answer 6

Get a solicitor.

Get documented evidence that the children are being bullied. Video them talking about it. Take it along to show the solicitor. You may be able to get custody of your children back away from this awful woman. She sounds like a nasty b*tch.

If there s no chance of you getting custody then get Social Services involved.

Answer 7

I don't know how old your children are but have you considered giving them a mobile phone, and when their stepmom gets mad they can secretly dial you and you could record what you hear on an answer phone?

Also, I saw a mobile phone once on ebay that had been turned into a secret listening device. You left it in a room and rang it up and you could hear everything that goes on. It didn't make a noise or light up or anything.

You could also give them a mini dictaphone so they can tape some evidence. Maybe Dad doesn't know what is going on?

Answer 8

This is a complicated question because we do not know why you do not have full custody. You really need to go find a lawyer or legal aid right away. Don't be shy about your childrens rights as well as you own. The harder you fight, the more results you will get.

p.s. the past is the past- You need to start your new fight now!

Answer 9

my niece has a friend and her husband has custody of his kids and got married to her the new woman is beating his kids and one day she was chasing them and hit the lamp and my niece and her husband own the house and the lamp burned down the house and had no insurance on it but if it were me i would try and get half custody of them tell a lawyer what she is doing if he is the father and lets her do that to them then he aint a good dad and you should take them down to the police station and let them talk with the kids see if she is beating them and if she left marks on there body have you seen the movie sixth sence the step mum was poisoning his kids on one of the parts good thing the little girl had video taped what she was doing good luck i hope you get full custody

Answer 10

Well, whatever has been done in the past is in the past. Go back to court and prove that whatever issue prevented you from having your children has been resolved and fight for custody. You didnt mention how old your children are, but if they are old enough they will be able to testify. When I went through my custody battle they interviewed my daughter in private...neither parent was allowed to be their or question her on what was said.....She was 5. Fight for your kids. Prove her wrong and let them know how much you care. Go to court and fight for them.

Answer 11

be careful as would be easy to react then end up in court and lose access play them at their own game.speak to ex partner as his responsibility 2 make sure kids ok,if no joy speak to citizens advice they can advice you who to see or speak too,and if you feel no joy get solicitor for help they will giv you a free apptment 4 advice.mainly think of ya kids and how they would react if arguiments start,stay strong and know waitin is the winning game along wiv patience ive been there i know.goodluck