my 18yr old does not agree with my decisions and rules. He causes arguments, swears at me and upsets the house

Question

he says the rules for him were different when he was younger. It involves rules about his 16yr old sister staying at her boyfriends house. He says he had to wait 1 year before i would let his girlfriend stay.. Yes.. cos she was only 15 and i have younger children at home too. My daughter was going to stay at her b`friends house to avoid it being too obvious here and she only has a tiny bedroom anyway. My son caused hell at home, turned his music up full blast, woke his younger brothers, swore at me on the phone and said he wont be paying me any more rent till i change my mind. I will not be held to ransom by him. what gives him the right to tell me how to run my house? My house, my rules.He is much bigger than me so physically making him leave is impossible. This is not the first time he had disrupted the household. He held his sister up against the wall by her neck in the past. I want him to leave.. he is working full time and he is upsetting the family home.. How do i go about it?

Answer 1

um call the police and say that you asked him to leave and he wont. hes 18 old enough to be on his own. he needs to be kicked out of the house for sure. but a 16 yr old girl staying at her boyfriends??? what kind of mom are you. OMG that is rediculous. hope shes on birth control. she is WAY too young to be doing that. that is probably why your son is out of control. you never laid down the right rules and he is just going to rebel.

Answer 2

What I would do is look at what's underneath all the disruption. There's more to it than you letting his 16 year old sister stay at her boyfriend's house. That was just the catalyst. Instead of laying down rules, ask him to talk to you about how he thinks you should have handled the situation. I'm not saying ask him to tell you how to do things but give him an opportunity to voice his feelings and opinions in an atmosphere that is not confrontational.

Ask him why it bothers him that you let her stay at her boyfriends house. Is it possible he knows something about the boyfriend that you and your daughter don't? Is it that he feels like she gets more privileges overall than he does? Whatever it is, confrontation and laying down rules is not going to get a resolution to this problem. When things are calm ask him to tell you what's going on and how he thinks things should be run. Tell him you're doing the best you know how. Maybe he has a better way of doing things.

He's 18 years old and he's growing into an adult. By having this type of conversation with him you'll be providing him an opportunity to think things through and make some reasonable decisions about life. He needs to be able to do that before he goes out on his own. He's working a full time job and until now, has been paying rent so he's being prepared to live on his own. You may want to let him know that if he was renting from someone else he wouldn't have the option of withholding rent just because he doesn't agree with a decision his landlord made.

This is all about life lessons and your son's feelings as a person. Before kicking him out as some have suggested, try to find out what's underneath all the anger. Give him an opportunity to be heard. You don't have to agree with him and he doesn't have to agree with you. But he needs to know that you value him as much as your daughter and I suspect that he's not feeling that right now. Try to guide him so that the two of you can come to some kind of agreement about things. You may be surprised at what you find brewing underneath all that anger. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

At 18, he is a man. First off, i would sit him down and try talking to him. Tell him what he is doing is not working out well. Then give him the option of paying rent, or leaving. If he does neither, or gets physically violent again, CALL THE POLICE. The violence or threat of violence, warrants a call. This is a hard step to take, but necessary for your health and well-being. Be prepared to take whatever steps are necessary to protect your other children and yourself.

I have a similar situation. I called the police on my son, who was 18. They came and "explained" to him the gravity of his actions, and told him the next time he was disruptive, they would take him away. He is 19 now, and living on his own, wishing he had done things differently, but it's too late, as he has a wife and child to care for.

Answer 4

Get in touch with social services and police! He's old enough to be held responsible legally so tell them about his threatening/violent behavior! It must be so difficult for you I mean it is your son after all but when it's affecting your younger kids like this it's time for him to leave the house.

Whenever he gets the least bit violent/threatening towards any of you just call the cops! It's not helping any of you if you don't report him. (Don't feel "stupid" for calling the cops again and again it's their job to protect ppl=you) Social services might have some kind of program for teens with anger problems tell them that you can't deal with him anymore and demand some kind of help from them!

My husbands oldest son is now 16 and in a lot of trouble already, the younger one is 11 and is doing great in school etc.. don't blame yourself too much people are different and you can only do the best you can and then leave it up to them really. Maybe he'll calm down in a few years and realizes what he's been doing to the family, but for now, protect the other kids and yourself...

Best of luck to you and take care!!!!!

Answer 5

This is going to sound harsh, but why are you letting 16 year olds spend the night with each other and have sex in the first place. As for him paying rent... well he's your son not your tenant. You want his respect start giving him some. If he pays rent he can do what he likes in his room so long as it does not disturb the others. As for his music being up loud, well cut the power to his room.

Just remember you have an 18 year old child living with you. If he is in school and living at home it's one thing, follow the rules and NO RENT. If he's out of school, RENT and he makes his rules for his room. Or if you want YOUR rules followed to the letter (girlfriends, etc) then no rent and be a parent.

Answer 6

It sounds like your son has issues much larger than the fact that you will not let his girlfriend stay over. It sounds like your son is somewhat resentful of the attention his sister gets over him, which would explain him taking his aggression out on her. If I could offer a suggestion to you, it might be to try to reach your son from a different angle. Maybe spend some time with him one on one. The fact that you do not want your son in the house is obvious to him. This could only worsen the problem as he is aware of your feelings, adding to his resentment. I think that if he felt valued in your family, and had time, his attitude could change. However if that doesn’t work, he might just need to get out on his own, so that he can look back more appreciatively. Whatever the case, I wish you well.

Answer 7

I agree with you for the most part, its your house and those are your rules. If he doesn't like them then he need to get out on his own, period! When making rules for raising kids they should apply to both genders. For myself that I wouldn't allow my 16yrs daughter to stay over no bfriend house nor I will allow my son do the same. Also neither one of their g/bfriend would spend the night at my house. This is where we are very different on this issue. I can understand his point, the rules should apply to his sister as well. Now he feel his sister is getting special treatment because she is a girl/female. From his behavior that he is the type of guys will always think the rules will bend for female. But that doesn't give him the right to display this kind of behavior. Now your son is older and got a job, just tell him its time for him to get out on his on. I would suggest that you sit down with him and talk things out with him. Tell him if he can't respect you and your rules living here at home, its time for him to move out on his own and be very firm with him. If you're still in contact with his dad, then ask him to come over and help you with him. If not, contact the police. He is adult now and this is one of the main reasons why most parents tell their kids once they get 18yrs old its time for them to be on their own. I hope this would help you. remember don't be affaid to call the police have your son remove from your home. Because he brought this upon himself, rules are rules. good luck.

Answer 8

im only 22, but when I was 18, my mom still let me stay with her. I learned to have respect for her, I paid my part of rent and helped around the house. As long as I was under her roof.. Then it was HER rules. Sounds like he needs a wake up call. The real world doesnt hit you till you realize how good you had it.

Answer 9

Your house - your rules. Call the police if he physically attacks you and they will remove him. But letting bf & gf stay over night with each other is really something else - can't say you would get it for mother of the year. Besides, you need to keep in mind that by allowing underage sex in your home is illegal in some states. Might find yourself in hot water.

Answer 10

Well, if he is infact paying rent, and is 18 i'd let him do whatever he wants personally, i dont believe rules make the child, i'm 20 and have been able to have girls stay over in my room with the door closed, no curfew (never had one, ever). And i dont have to be asked to do chores, it's mutual respect for my parents, i'd say try letting him switch his rules if you think he's mature enough to handle it, but by the way he's acting he's not, so just kick his *** out, wait til he's at work, put his **** outside and change the locks, that's not physical, but i believe delivers the same message =)