My son's father has absolutely no interest in being in his life what so ever, it has been so tough on him?

Question

My son's father is a Vietnam Veteran with a number of psyciatric disorders effecting his ability to develop relationships with people. My son is 17 1/2 years old and even though his father lives in Florida and we in Ohio, his father has never once came to visit him. I have taken him to see him 4 times. Both me and the father's mother have pushed him for 17 years to be a significant person in our son's life. It only amounted to a few phone conversations initiated by my son, the 4 visits I was able to afford to take my son on, and about 10 birthday & x-mas cards & a small gift. My ex's mother died last summer and since then my son's father has completely pushed my son out of his life. He is 57 yrs. old and has done everything but actually verbally tell my son that he hates him and doesn't want him in his life. My son is DD and doesn't understand the problems his father has. He is now asking me "if I died would my dad come to my funeral?" I was honest (maybe I shouldn't have been)

and told him that I didn't think he would. He views death in a complete different way than we do. Maybe it was wrong of me to be honest with him but I can't stand to see my son hurt anymore. I can't stand to see my son fantisize about his father being in his life. He talks to his friends and tells them stories about his dad as if his dad is living in our home with us. His teachers have no idea that his dad doesn't even come to visit him even though he only has to pay 10.00 airfare because he works on the base. And get this- My ex's sister is a very presigious proffessor at a top college whose specialty is "relationships in the African american family" My son happens to be biracial and I am thinking that his father & family have a serious problem with me being white. My son's aunt has never seen him in person either. NEVER. And they have enough money to do the travel. Infact they do the travel for other family members. How can I help my son? I have tried pleading with all of his family.

I again called his aunt and explained to her what this rejection is doing to my son. I extended a most sincere invitation to come and visit. I told her what her brothers actions are doing to the self esteem of my son. When I brought this up to my ex his response was "you are the one who wanted a child" But when we were together he wanted that family as well. When we split it was almost as if he felt if he couldn't have me he didn't want anything to do with our child either. We were common law married 19 years ago. Never got a divorce. But for the past 18 years he has continued to ask me to come back to him, to have more children with him, and to have a marriage ceremony reckognized by the state- OFFICIALLY he said. Then when his mother died he claims he was never married to me and is going to marry a mutual friend of ours that he knows his a serious drug atic(sp) Oh what a painful and complicating web this is. I know he is truly hurting over the death of his mother- but thats no excuse

Lastly, I'm sorry this is so long but I must tell you all. I have not initiated any kind of relationship for he and I. But my son calls without my knowledge, he calls from my parents house. And when we go on vacation in Florida - how can I tell my son that even though we are in the State he lives in, we can't stop by and visit. I don't ever want my son to be able to say that I was the one who kept him from his Dad. It is clear to me how his dad feels. It just has not become clear to my son. He still holds onto hope no matter how his dad treats him. Then last week my son ran away from home and called his Dad for help. His Dad lied to him and told him he was in Ohio - He shouldn't have done that. My son has been waiting almost 2 weeks for his dad to come and visit. That lying you know what wasn't in Ohio.

DD= Developmental Disability . My son is by no means mentally retarded (for lack of a better phrase) he just doesn't process information as easily as many people. Therefore his maturity level is about that of a 12-13 year old. And his academic level is about an 8th grade in some areas and on target in others.

Answer 1

If your son's father is unable to develop a relationship with his son because of psychiatric conditions then there is not much he, you or anyone else can do to force the issue. And quite frankly if 17 years hasn't been enough time to resolve this issue, it's not going to be resolved.
Your concentration needs to be on your own relationship with your son. Pushing the father into contact would appear to be making the situation worse not better, to the point where the father is being cornered into pushing his son away.....this push-pull isn't good for the young man.
You say you were honest with your son about his father possibly attending his funeral. Exactly what does that mean? Have you the ability to predict the future, or did you use the opportunity that question gave you to twist the knife even further into your son's heart?

Answer 2

Well, to be honest, there's nothing you really can do. Take it from me, I am now 18, and was a loner basically my whole life, I have very high intelligence and I'm very quiet. I was bullied around that age as well, so obviously that affects his self esteem. I know for me, whenever I tried to make friends, I was rejected. After a while, I just decided I wasn't going to even try, and that I had more fun by myself (which I did) Don't get me wrong, sometimes I wish I had friends around, but it's really hard to make them once all the cliques are formed and your just left out. Don't force your son into social situations, and just because he doesn't want to be in them, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him. People in this culture think that the loudest/craziest/most popular person is what we should all strive to be, and anything below that is just inadequate. He can only seem to interact with family, because of his comfort level. With some people (including myself), it's hard to warm up to people right away, and we need some time to get to know people (like months), and vice versa. After that, if we click, we can become friends. However, most people and especially kids, just want to know if they like you or not right off the bat, they don't want to take time to get to know a person, to really know them. And if a boy around his age, 13, is into things totally different or "smart people" things, that they don't understand they outcast him like there is something wrong with him. There isn't. He simply hasn't found anybody with common interests, have you tried to set him up in certain science-related groups? Perhaps he can eventually find kids with his own interests, it may help him to be himself more when he feels comfortable. If he seems happy doing his own thing, then leave it at that, keep an open doorway for him to tell you how he is feeling, but never force a thing like that, it just has to come naturally, however long that will take. Good Luck.

Answer 3

I work with MR DD adults at this time, and my degree (and future career plans) are in psychology. I can tell you that your 'ex' is suffering from some sort of mental illness(es) himself, judging by what you say he is doing/has done...your son's DD may have been passed down to him genetically.
Now as for handling the situation, you may want to try to redirect your son's attentions towards the people who ARE in his life. I know this is easier said than done, but with some persistence, you may be able to lower the amount of importance your son places on his father's attention - especially since it doesn't appear the father will ever do 'his part'...and in fact, the father may be mentally unable to do a decent job of 'doing his part' even if he were willing to try.
All young boys, (and those with the mental age of a young boy) feel a need to have a male figure as a role model. Many boys see their father as this role model, and society pushes this belief. If you could redirect your son towards a different role model, perhaps he would have less tendency to obsess about his biological father.
I hope this has been of some help to you...I wish you good luck.
PS. I'm new to this site, and for some add reason it says that I am "waanfly"...I am photoartistdca

Answer 4

Been there done that - my sons biological father has done exactly the same thing to him, not because of any stress syndrome or psychiatric disorder, just because he never wanted anything to do with kids and that was that.
Do you know what? I know this sounds harsh, but when its like that, you are actually BETTER OFF that the father wants no contact.
You have seen how hard it is on your son knowing that this man is out there, having very little sporadic contact - I am actually very grateful for my son that his father has NEVER been an issue in any way.
Conversely I have never asked for - or received - child support for him either.
Awful huh?? well no, NOT, actually.
The other month my son came to me (there was conversation rolling about the way a younger child has been treated by a delinquent father popping in and out of its life as he feels like it) and my son actually stated THANK GOD I HAVE NEVER HAD TO PUT UP WITH THAT.
He went through a brief phase where he wondered about his biological father, I told him what I knew, that is was his business if he ever went to find the guy when he was an adult, and that he would have to learn to deal with what he may or may not find. He mulled it over for a while I think, and since then, hes just relieved that he has never had someone dropping in and out of his life and feeling gutted when they dont honour their part of the deal.
Hes a nice young man, not a woman hater, well adjusted, and knows to think hard before you unzip - I highly doubt he would EVER do the same thing, leaving a child behind without a second thought.
Dont let this guy dish out that final insult and tell him (your son) I DONT WANT YOU ROUND - that will really F$%^ your son over once and for all at his age.
He doesnt have it in him (the dad) - for whatever reason - to have a relationship with your boy. leave it at that and try to build on the positives in your sons life.

Answer 5

Dear Genuine Mother,
First of all, I sympathize with your Son and you. Realize that these are the mountains that make us who we are. The way you have handled this has shaped who you are today as a Mother, right? You cannot control your son's father though I agree with him needing to be apart of your son's life, but you can be a better mom because of it. It sounds to me like you are. I grew up without my parents, it only made me stronger and more compassionate, now I cannot wait to be a mom. Also, if you'd like, you can look to the good old Bible if nothing else, where Christ specifically said that He would be a father to the fatherless. This has helped me so much. Keep on being the good mom that you are, never give up on what seems impossible, and keep on loving your son enough for two. You go girl! You've got my prayers.

Answer 6

You cannot control his fathers actions, and you need to stop begging him and his family for attention. I think they have shown you, they are simply not interested. Your son's father is a pathological liar and there is no telling what he has told his family. The fact that you still have feelings for a man who treats you like dirt is very telling, and if you haven't had counseling, you need to.

I think that you need to be truthful with your son and tell him that his father just doesn't know how to be a father. Its not about love, love doesn't mean you can parent. And you need to get your son a male role model who can be his friend, you might want to get him involved in Big Brothers. He needs counseling as well to deal with his hurt and anger.

You don't say anything about financial support. If you don't have a child support issue at this time, by all means get a lawyer and get one. If your son's father refuses to be present in his life, his money certainly can be.

Answer 7

Hi hon.....

i can see where you'd be sad for your son because his father has neglected him; however, sometimes we have to accept things and try to move on.

be supportive of your son. YES tell him THE TRUTH... lying to him or trying to make things seem better than they are, isn't going to help your son.

i'm sure your son's feelings are hurt.... and he has every right to his feelings. i am sure he feels abandoned.

meanwhile, i think you need to understand that we can not control others -- in this case, your ex. he has made up his mind to avoid you and his son, and there is nothing you can do about it.

it's ok to tell your son that his dad is welcome to see him anytime, IF your son brings up the subject.

it's also OK to let him know that it's NOT YOUR SON'S FAULT that is father is neglectful. You mentioned his father has psychological problems, too... so a one-time discussion about all of this would suffice... your son will remember everything you say to him...and let your son know that YOU are there for him and willing to LISTEN anytime.

otherwise, i think that a therapist for your son might help him greatly. he is making up stories about his father being there, when he's not... and i'm sure that, being a kid, he feels guilty in some ways, when he has NO reason to feel that way.

sometimes we need a little help and guidance. a neutral party, like a therapist, can work wonders. your son would have someone to talk with who will keep all of his problems and issues in confidence. so, after several sessions, your son may feel comfortable enough to actually start working on these issues.

i hope you get some good answers here.
take care.

Answer 8

This sounds like a really tough situation. I have some similar experience as my own father as refused to see me since I was 13. I spent a lot of my life trying to live up to what I thought my dad expected from me and eventually had to accept that its not going to happen. My dad also has some physch disorders and as hard as its been I almost just think of him as being dead. I don't know what your situation is exactly as I'm not sure what DD is but I wish you and your son the best.

Answer 9

I am sort of in the same situation, except not to this extreme. My father doesnt have much involvment in my life or his grandchildrens. The only thing I can suggest is that you make the same decision I did. If he doesnt want to be involved, then walk away and dont look back. Constantly throwing your son at his father and him constantly rejecting him will only make it worse for your son. How many times would you want to hear that someone doesnt love you? I read that his father actually hasnt came out and said it, but by his actions, he is saying it loud and clear. Make sense? I hope this helps, and I wish the best for you two. I know this is a hard thing to deal with.

Answer 10

The loss is his, with mental problems in all. Your son is now 17 and should be comprehending some of what has been going on and what is going on now. I am sure the lack of his father in his life has not deterred your son from any accomplishments whatsoever, so don't let his father, or the lack of, hinder him now, he has come so far. Just let it be. God Bless.