I need advise from parents of grown children. This is very important.?

Question

My almost 19 year old son is due to leave tomorrow to move into his apartment so he can start culinary school on October 1st. We've had major problems with him and for the last couple of days he's stayed with his friend because he had one of his outrages and called his dad and I losers, etc. I'm sure you can picture this. Yesterday my parents brought him over to finish his lease paperwork and my son decided to stay with us. I told him he could, with the exception that he is not to cuss us out, etc. Not five minutes after my parents left did he start on us again. Luckily, my parents called and invited us to dinner. My son didn't go, so my husband, daughter and I went. After we returned, he started again..we told him to leave. He went outside to call his friend. I had to take the dog out and as soon as I was opening the door, I saw him pulling out of the driveway, lights off so we couldn't see him. He knew darn well he wasn't suppose to take the car.

My husband, a retired marine, had it. He wanted to call the police, but I knew my son would get arrested and go to jail. (not the first time I should add) But now that he's an adult, I know the punishment would be worse than when he was a minor. We knew where he was headed, so my husband drove to the mall and sure enough we found his car there. He contacted security, notifying him that he wanted to pick up the car (in case there was a confrontation). My son just happened to be asking a security guard in the mall if he could get arrested for taking the car without permission and he heard my husband's call come in. So I drove to the mall so we could drive my son's car to a different location and then went back to pick up my husband's vehicle. We're literally through with our son's behavior. I always had my doubts regarding my son attending this school because of his problems, now I know for sure he's not ready. The thing is, this is his last chance to go.

He disenrolled two previous times. Financial Aid sort of made a mistake so we won't have his rent money by the time he moves in, which means, mom and dad have to pay until that check comes in. I have no desire to do this for someone as ungrateful as my son. My parents of course, say, let him go. The tuition is almost $40,000 for 12 months, not including his rent. My husband is offering to make a deal with him.. he can go, but he has to find his own rent money until that check comes in, and he can't take his car with him for now. My husband wants him to take the bus for a month to have him see all what we've done for him. So now I'm tied. What in the heck would you do in this situation? We have reservations for our hotel tomorrow and we have to give a 24 hour cancellation notice. Please help.

Please note my son's violent behavior before you judge. He's been arrested twice as a minor for domestic violence and spent time in jail. This is not a typical teenage outrage we're talking about. He's been on anti-psychotic meds and had to be Baker Acted and spent time in a psychiatric hospital. My son is dangerous.

To the person who questioned mental health issues. Yes he does have them. That's why he was sent to the psychiatric hospital. He's been to a psychologist and psychiatrist, with us attending the meetings too. But he's 18, almost 19 now, so we can't make him go. He won't take his meds either.

Hi Wise Guy.. I guess I know what we should do, but of course I get my parents input to give him what he wants. This is tough because we're due to leave tomorrow. I know his mental health issues shouldn't be his way out of this, he definitely needs to grow up.

Just finished reading more comments.. It's easy to tell someone to get their grown child help, but we can't. HIPAA won't allow it anymore. I did offer to pay his co-pays if he went to counseling again, but he refused. I did get him to see a regular doctor to get back on his meds, but he stopped taking them. If he was a minor it would be different, but I can't do anything anymore. I'm glad I'm seeing comments about being firm since my parents opinion is different. They think we should just let him go to be away from us because if we pulled him from school he'd be here in town "lurking around". But you know what? That's not my problem anymore. He's an adult now. He knows this is his last chance for this school. He should have made the decision to grow up, but he hasn't.

Just a quick note regarding his car. I bought the car for him for a graduation present, but it's in my husband's name so the insurance would be cheaper.. $200 a month, compared to over $500 if it were in my son's name. It's a 98 Camry, so it's no luxury car. He's pretty much ruined the interior, paid about $1,000 in damages he caused, and another $900 after he got in an accident. Buying that car was one of the worst mistakes I've ever made because I thought it would make him appreciate it, but he doesn't. I just spoke with my mom, told her what my husband wants to do and she offered to pay his rent until that check comes in. Big mistake if you ask me. I told her that if my son doesn't call by the end of the day, then I know he's not serious about going to culinary school. So now I just have to wait.

I've had so many helpful answers, I wish I could choose more than one best answer. My husband called my son and told him what our plans were.. we will take him to school tomorrow, but he is not going to have the car until he shows us some appreciation. He's going to have to take the bus to school unless his roommate takes him, and he's going to have to take the bus to work. He wasn't happy, but he has no choice if he wants to go to school. He has yet to call me. He probably knows how *issed off I am today. I have done a lot for him to help him get everything for his apartment, etc. and this is the thanks I get.. especially when I bought the car with my own money when I stopped working. Anyways, thanks to all of those who helped. I truly hope that by him going to school will get him with a better crowd of kids and he'll appreciate the great chance he's been given by attending this school.

Answer 1

LET HIM GO! By that I mean he is an legally an adult. His actions are all on him now.

If the car belongs to him... give him the car. If the car belongs to you.... sell it!

If you want him out of the house... don't allow him back in UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE!

If he screws up his education... he will have to get a job!

His business is his business... NOT YOURS.

You make the mistake of taking on his bad choices and try to control him. Yeah, I know, he just doesn't know any better, but you still have to stop. If he screws up then he screws up.

I was a rebel in my younger days. My mom was a push over and she would have kept bailing me out if my father hadn't finally put his foot down. I never appreciated her help.. I just assumed it was still her job, because after all she was mom and she is supposed to fix my mistakes, right? WRONG! I didn't start to really grow up until my parents started to slam the door in my face. At first I was hurt and thought they didn't love me anymore. After I really screwed things up and even begged my parents for help and they said no, that is when I started to make better choices. Before that, I didn't care cause I knew mommy would be there.... then all of the sudden she wan't there anymore! I had to start making better choices.

I am almost 40 now with children of my own and I have had to cut the apron strings myself. Thank goodness, I have my mom to go to to help me now!

Answer 2

I raised two boys on my own since they were 6 months and 2 years. They are now 25 and 23. I have another 15 year old boy at home. SO, I have been through it all and had to handle all of it alone. I made sure I was very stern and spanked when it was needed. I know, I will get a ton of comments saying how you should never strike a child. Sorry to all these people. If a child knows there are consequences for bad behavior they will eventually get the idea. Now days too many parents don't want to hurt their feelings, physiolgically hurt them, etc. I have seen some kids grow up not knowing right from wrong! My sons tell me I was the best mom and they appreciate me being so stern with them. It sounds as though your son is on the right track. He is going to culinary school. He seems to have his priorities in order. The problem...respect for his parents. I got that from my first son a couple of times. It was harsh, but I put him in my car, took him to the police station (they knew I was coming) and two detectives "scared him straight" by talking to him and showing him the dentention center. It worked. There is a time where all teenage boys test you. If they get away with it once, the will continue. Your son seems to have some anger issues towards you and your husband. At 19 is very hard to take control of the mouth and attitude. Try talking to him and ask him why he treats you the way he does. If he starts being beligerent don't get angry, just get up and walk away. He will see you upset, but yet you aren't yelling back or giving him a reason to fight back. He will feel like a real cad and start thinking. The more you fight with him (at this age) the more fuel he has to fight back. He will grow out of this also. It is just trying to deal with it until then!!

Answer 3

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with your son, who I'm sure you both love very dearly...but could strangle for being so irresponsible...right?
My nearly 21 year old had a year or two where he was "teething" - he would have been 16/ 17...I very nearly didn't think he was going to make 18, it got that bad.
Both my husband and I weren't quite sure how to tackle the bad language, the door slamming, the disappearing after school with his friends with no explaination.....and so it went.
Until finally, tough love won through, and sudenly it was like turning a switch off. By some miracle we had our loving, caring son back, and life has been drama free ever since.
I can't say what the turning point was or why he changed, we're simply glad he did.
He is now in his last months as an apprentice sign writer - he gets his papers in February.
He is looking for a home of his own to purchase and start his own life outside the nest. And we are proud of what he has achieved.How different it could have been, and for that change, we are so, so thankful.
In your case I can only suggest you let him go and try his luck in the adult world where he will have to learn the hard way that his life will be dictated by his own actions. It will be hard on you as parents, but it sounds like it will be the only way he will take control of his own life.
I wish you good luck and hope that his life too takes a turn for the better, and that he finds peace within himself to make these important changes in his life.....

Answer 4

I have 24yr old twin daughters, so I'm somewhat experienced in this age group. Too bad they don't warn parents that this can be worse than when they are young.

You are between a rock and a hard place. I think you know the culinary school is a wash, and you saying he's dangerous makes me nervous that he's going to be around people with knives. But that aside, here's what I have learned.

You cannot "force" someone to become an adult, and not everyone, especially men are adults even when they are 30. I understand what societly says, but really, look at your son's behavior and you can see he is not an adult by any stretch. What I thought when I read your post is that this kid doesn't have the ability to seperate himself, so instead of a nice evening enjoying the excitement and thrill of the first step towards his future, he stole a car.

Your question is should you go or not, pay his rent or not and let him take his car or not.

On the car, its his car apparently, and you cannot control what belongs to him. I don't think its fair to give someone something(or maybe he bought it himself) and then take it back. Just my opinion.

Pay the rent. But if you are smart you will make sure there is just a 6 month lease, because if you co-signed, when he drops out of school, you are going to be paying that rent for the year.

Have a talk with your son, tell him the condition of you paying the rent is 15mins of listening and not talking. Tell him that he is on his own. He's made the choice of profession, and to move. He will need to get a job as you are not going to pay for someone with his attitude. Tell him you love him, and wish him well. Then stick to it as hard as it is.

Somewhere you gave him the message that he can do whatever he wants and he will still come out on top. Admit that to him and tell him it was a mistake, and then stop doing for him.

You cannot control your parents, if they want to involve themselves, so be it. Simply tell them what you have done and advise them to do the same.

The shame here is that children just don't raise up with this kind of behavior, somewhere we fail them and that's hard to admit. But even when they get beyond 18 we can change how we parent them. I've had to completely seperate myself from my daughters arguments, I just don't get involved. And one of them married a man with 3 ex wifes and 3 ex kids and didn't bother to tell me that he lost his job because he refused to get out of bed due to his mental illness. I nearly worked myself to death (I had a stroke) paying for the wedding, only to have this bozo leave her for another woman 6 weeks after they bought a house. The divorce will final in a week and she's working 3 jobs to pay her morgage(and going to grad school).

We all have consequences to our actions. Your son has made decisions, and you have to allow the natural consequences to play out. As hard as it is, don't rescue him. Best of luck to you and your family.

Answer 5

Sounds like your son is keeping something inside him. He's full of anger. Is anything happened to him when he was growing up? Find out what's troubling him and get him some help. You can't fix the problem if you don't know what started it. I am a single mom of 2 grown sons- 27 and 19, and raising them was very tough. But they both turned out ok. Disrespecful is a big no, no in my house. Get your son some help, perhaps a counselor or someone he can trust. He needs to let it out whatever is inside him. Goodluck!

Answer 6

And the problem is????? He's having a hard time leaving the nest. It's much easier if he 1. hates you. 2. Hopes he never has to see you again. 3. Gets you to act like the creeps he wants you to be so it's easier to leave home. They all act like this when it's time to move out. Believe it or not, I've lived long enough to hear all three of mine say how easy they had it at home. Yes, really! Now, believe it or not, the time will come when you will like him again and think he is a pretty neat son. It takes awhile but you are not expected to like him right now, just keep loving him. It may get even uglier before it gets better but it will. I've been through this X 3 and now get to tell my kids that their teens are acting just like they did at this age. LOLOLOL My mantra has always been, "This too shall pass." Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 7

sorry for the problem. But you didn't ask a question. If is a what should you do? If the car is back. Tell him that until he can act like a human not welcomed. If not Bax. you might want to call the police. He needs a tough lesson on what is really means to be an adult.

Answer 8

I think you should treat him the opposite of how he is expecting you to treat him. Like make him a good luck card and have your husband and daughter sign it then take it to him and wish him luck, hug and kiss him and say goodbye. Add the "call us to know youre ok once in a while ok" then walk away without a fight. This might just jolt him to the reality about his adult life starting now. He is doing all this out of rebellion.

Answer 9

I'd tell the parents if they want him to go to school, then they can pay for it and they can pay for his rent too. I'd tell that son if he tries to take my car like that again, I'll have him arrested. And if he cussed at me, he'd be picking his *** up off the floor and I don't care if he's 19 or 39 years old.

Answer 10

The big problem is he has not experienced the full consequences for any of his actions. i would just step back and let see how hard and cold the world is without Mom or Dad. I been in trouble with the law before and I would just keep doing crazy stuff because people would get me out of it.