SAHMs and SAHDs- How much does your spouse help out?

Question

I'm a sahm. My son is almost one and so active, I can barely get anything done around the house. He flips out if I put him in a high chair or his exersaucer, so I can't really do anything but play with him until my husband gets up. (He works thirds) My husband gets pissed about this, and calls me lazy. Whatever. It's not like he lives in filth. A little clutter never hurt anyone, but what I find funny is that he refuses to help. He'll do dishes maybe once a week, and he does the garbage every few days, but other than that.. he doesn't lift a finger. He even makes a face at me if I ask if he's brushed our sons teeth. How much does your spouse do at home?

Excuse me people. I don't NOT want to do anything! I get things done when he naps, but my son is not a normal one year old. Every parent I know has said that he is twice as active as theirs were at his age. He's more like a three year old. He climbs over the couches, jumps from the couch into his playpen and yells, climbs on tables and shelves, on and off the bed, pulls things on top of him, you name it Trust me, he's different. He's really big for his age (96th percentile on height) and extremely strong. I literally have to watch his ever move unless he's sleeping, which is only two half hour naps a day. Please don't judge me when you don't know what my son is like.

Also, he can climb out of his exersauser and screams when he can't get out of his high chair. He tries until he has red marks on his tummy from the waist snap and tray.

Answer 1

No offense, but he does have a point. He should help out some, at weekends and a little bit after work, but the actual housework should be your department.

One child under 1. How do you think millions of mothers cope? Put him in the highchair or playpen with some toys. If he cries he cries. It won't kill him. I'm thinking maybe it's more an excuse for you not to have to do housework?

Answer 2

My first question would be..did he ever help out around the house or have you always been the one to do pretty much everything? I ask because I went through a very similar experience with the birth of my first child and a huge part of the problem was that up until then, even while I worked, I had done EVERYTHING all the time. His working shifts can make it even tougher as..and this is a guess..you probably got the majority of things done during the day while he slept so that once he got up, the two of you had time together, he could watch TV, etc. If that is the case, you are going to have to work hard to get him to understand things are different.

I would also ask how many times he has been left with the baby for an extended amount of time? If he is verbally complaining and feels that getting things done should be simple, the best thing to do is plan for you to go away for a few days. Stay at your Mom's or a friends..have plans that will keep you happily occupied while gone and then tell him that if it is sooo easy to get all these things done while caring for your child...and make sure he knows your son's schedule, how you do things, etc and that leaving him to cry in his crib for a couple hours is not acceptable..then you should come back to a happy child and a picture perfect house. Most of the time, we know this is not going to happen. You will come home to , more than likely, a bigger mess than when you left. However, I will warn you that I have seen the complete opposite happen a few times, so if your husband is competitive enough that he will HAVE to prove you wrong, then you may want to re-think it.

In any case, it is pretty clear he is not helping even with the child. If you can't get him to understand what your life is like or he refuses to admit that, it may be time to see a marriage counselor. Even after being left with the kids for a weekend and my repeatedly asking for help, my husband still didn't do much. Once I insisted on counseling and he saw how upset this was making me, with a third party there supporting my feelings that I was not the only adult in the house, he realized he had to change.

You are going to have to be proactive in this. Simply asking for help and then doing it all anyway (or as much as you can with a young child around) is not going to force him to wake up. I now have a husband who does the dishes every night, helps with the laundry, keeps his office and the living room picked up and will do anything else I may need, including making dinner and taking care of the entire house and kids while I go away twice a year for a weekend. It took time and a lot of work on both our parts, but it was worth it...we are much happier, I am mentally and emotionally far less stressed and our kids are learning that everyone helps out in a familiy.

Answer 3

My husband takes out the trash in the morning. That's about it. Occasionally, he'll do the dishes or a load of laundry, but then he thinks he's "King Stud" for three weeks, so that doesn't help me that much. MEN! LOL! :-)
He also stays home with the kids when I do the grocery shopping on the weekends. He knows how hard they can be to handle while trying to do anything, and he doesn't freak out about clutter. We both feel as long as there's not food and trash around attracting bugs and rodents, it's better to play with the children.
We recently met a family who's house is ALWAYS spotless, or at least it seems that way from an outsider's point of view. My husband made a comment "Gee, I wish our house was always that clean." And I said, "Well, every time you call the man to do something, he says the family is cleaning and he can't go because he has to mop the floor. Let's try that!" He shut up and didn't say another word.

Answer 4

My DH and I both work and it's a huge job to work full time and share kid responsibilities. However, we both agreed that if one of us were able to stay home that person would do the majority of the housework. That's not to say your DH shouldn't help out...of course he should. He also shouldn't complain about what you do or do not get done if he doesn't want to help.

You have two choices. You can plan out a chart of what you do all day and how long it takes you to do it then come to him with facts and figures and tell him that the chores need to be redivided. There just aren't enough hours in the day. OR you could be creative and take some sort of trip away for a day (or three) where he has to take care of the kids and keep up on house chores. He'll see how hard it is to watch the kids and get stuff done.

Second, go ahead and let your son learn to entertain himself some. It won't hurt him at all. And he only flips out now when you put him down because he knows you'll come back and play with him. It will be good for him to learn to entertain himself. And good for you.

Answer 5

My spouse does a whole lot! Well, he doesn't help IN the house because he WORKS outside the house.

Marriage is 50/50. How would you feel if you had to not only have a 40 hour+ work week and then be expected to do chores at home? Maintaining a clean home is not hard--I have a one year old son too. [Actually, he's closer to two years. So he's WAY more mobile then he was at almost a year.] You don't get anything done because--you don't want to do anything.

I used to feel the same way as you do. Then I realised how much it would suck after coming home from a long night and having a mess [or even just clutter all around the house] all over the house. It actually happened a few times after I came home from school and I realised what he might feel like.

Cleaning the house is a choice. Don't make an excuse because of your son.

As for him calling you lazy. Think about it. [I'm not saying you are...] Shoot, there was one time that he called me lazy. I thought about it. I looked around. I wondered about my day. Next thing I knew I was on the computer figuring out a schedule so I could make sure I was getting everything done. It's not hard. When someone calls you a name [no matter how wrong you might think they are] you owe it to yourself to question WHY they are calling you that and if it is true.

Answer 6

I am a SAHM also, My husband is never home always at work. I used to get upset bc he was always working and when he came home he would fall asleep or doing college. But I started to tell my self. "I know he;s tired working then going to college etc" So now I do everything for him, I have 2 small kids and one soon to be here. Its very hard and my house is not always clean like it should be but I do think that your husband should contribute some its only fair. He helped make those kids! My husband helps me alot and when i ask him he dont complain he's a good man and father. Just talk to him and tell him how you feel. The hardest job you will ever have is being a SAHM. Nobody can really graps that unless they experience it.

Answer 7

My DH is an over the road truck driver and is only home once a month or so. When hes home hes mostly spending time with the kids so he really doesn't do much around here. He does however help me out when i ask him too. hes off work because of surgery right now and hes been doing a lot of things with my help. He will pitch in and cook dinner or take the kids for a while so i can take a shower undisturbed.
I would sit your husband down and tell him exactly how you feel. Just because you are a stay at home doesn't make you a slave! you deserve time to yourself.

Answer 8

Your son needs to learn to be alone. You are enabling him by playing with him all day. My daughter is really tall 98 percentlie and very active. My wife is a SAHM and there are days when she gets nothing done because she hates naps but sometimes you have to let them cry. Make a safe area for him. We got a extra tall baby gate for the living room and removed all the things that can hurt her even our CD's and turned it into a play room with her toys the couch and the TV. My wife does play with her and read to her but she gets laundry done everyday. Washes dishes vacuums. She does not cook because I do but she takes the food out for me or plans the meal so that it is easy when I get home. She even runs an ebay business where she is selling out daughters clothes as she out grows them. Yes your husband can help a little more like when I get home the baby is mine because she has had her all day. I feed her dinner give the bath and put her to bed so that is two hrs that she has to her self but I think you do need to do more

Answer 9

I have a great guy--he's the only boy in his family with 3 sisters, so he was raised to understand the female mind. He'll do housework to let me sleep in, does the dishes, vacuums, lawn care, you name it. He also enjoys spending time with our kids. On top of that, He's been known to throw cash at me and tell me to 'leave for at least 5 hours' when he can see I'm reaching my limit. I know I've got a good one--no, you can't have him!!! ^_^

Your son is going through what's known as 'seperation anxiety'. There's no reason why you can't keep doing your work; if you have to, get a more portable exersaucer and drag it into the rooms that you need to work on. Talk to him and sing to him while you work, do silly dances around him, include him in the more playful aspects of the work but there's no reason why you can't get the work done. That way, there'll be less stress later and you can enjoy your time with your baby without feeling like it's a chore or a burden.

Answer 10

I'm a Work-at-home Mom (part time) and go to work part-time in a billing office. I was a full-time work/stay at home mom up until my daughter was 21 months. My husband also takes out the trash and occasionally does dishes and will do the groceries when he realizes there is nothing in the house to eat. He also thinks I'm lazy and that I don't do enough. I'm working two jobs, raising our daughter, trying to be a good wife, and because of all that my "maid" duties fall behind. I'm now pregnant and tired all the time, and the house has even more clutter. I am also clean (dishes cleaned, sinks and toilets are all clean) but there is clutter everywhere. He continues to complain but never helps me out. Oh well. I relate to you very much. I'm hoping to return to being a full-time work/stay at home mom very soon.

Answer 11

I did this to my husband. I just took off on him for a few days. I didn't say a darn thing to him how to or what to do with my kids. I have two 5, and 3 1/2. Mind you, I'm not saying go to that extend, however it made a difference. He works out of town 3 or 4 days a week. His work day consist of maybe 1 or 2 hour a day more or less, not to exceed 8 hour (normally it's never been 8 hour). On his off time out of town he's free to do what ever fancy him. So, he get plenty of rest and free time. However, as for me, when he's not at home I do it all. From bills, sick kids (24/7), appointments, school, house being clean, laundry etc, etc. When he come home from work, he barely lift a finger. He used to tell me he's jet-lagged and tired, which is understandable. I let him rest for a whole day laying around, sleeping, playing his computer. Oh, considering the fact that he gets 3 to 4 days off from work at home (sometimes a whole week or more). Well, after asking, and voicing for sometimes, I had enough and leave him to handle it all. Long story short, now DH wash his own work clothes, iron it, take my oldest one to school, get her ready in the morning, make sure our sink is empty of dishes, and offer to iron all the girls clothes. Not to mention I get to sleep in and breakfast in bed. I have to say, sometimes you have to go the extreme to make your point across.