Ok so I'm 20 years old and I consider myself pretty mature for my age, I live with my boyfriend and am completely independted from my parents. When I first met him, his daughter was 9 months old and now she is almost 2. Things are going great and I know she loves me and I adore her, every other weekend all we do is play together. But here is where it gets complicated a couple of months ago I had a miscarriage, which I'm sure is a blessing in deguise, but I am having a hard time recovering emotionaly. Now some weekends when we get her I just want to push her away, but other weekends I don't want to send her back home to mom and I end up depressed for the rest of the day. I don't know what to do. I don't want to ruin a good relationship over a mistake that happened. Help please!?!
2007-09-18 16:53:48 · 15 answers · asked by Two peas in a pod 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Get some counseling. That little girl is going to pick up on the rejection and its not fair to her.
2007-09-18 16:56:46 · answer #1 · answered by Dovahkiin 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
What you are experiencing is called 'transference.' You don't have your own baby to love, and you may not have wanted to have it, so you are putting 'those emotions' onto your boyfriend's daughter. While just me telling you that this is 'transference' may HELP you to 'recover' I suggest that you and this little girl have your 'fun times' away from the house as much as possible, and that you TELL HER (I know she's not even two yet!) that sometimes you 'don't want a baby around' and may 'push her away' and sometimes you do want a baby around and hate sending her home. Just that, no 'big explanation' and no 'putting it into baby words. She'll 'understand' even if she doesn't seem to ... but YOU will also 'feel better' about telling her, and THAT will make your behavior more 'normal' when you are with her. I'm sorry you had the miscarriage, and I hope you do have a child of your own someday ... but meanwhile, you NEED TO REMEMBER that this little girl NEEDS YOU too, and be a good 'stepmom' to her, to the best of your ability.
2007-09-19 00:01:09 · answer #2 · answered by Kris L 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am answering without reading any other answers, so forgive me if I repeat anyone else's!
Give yourself a break here! You had a miscarriage. Your hormones are out of whack, your emotions are affected by this as well as your possible conflicting feelings about the preganancy.
Whether or not you wanted to be pregnant, you still form an attachment to the life growing inside you. It is okay to grieve over the loss. When you feel like pushing your boyfriends daughter away it is time to tell him to keep her occupied so you can take a breather. Take a bath, or go for a walk. Give your self some space. She is here and your baby is not, and you need to give yourself a little time to come to terms with that.
Not wanting to let go of her at other times I would think is normal too! You are attached to her so seeing her go is hard. Add to that the hormones floating inside you and your emotional tie to the lost baby, you may just need to hang on tighter sometimes.
Depression after miscarriage is common. If it lasts for longer than 6 months I would recommend talking to your doctor and letting him/her know how you are feeling.
Your "stepdaughter" is only 2 and most likely will not remember much from this time. You need to give yourself time to heal and learn to once again have fun with this little girl. My heart goes out to you for your loss and I hope that you feel more like your old self real soon!
2007-09-19 00:45:40 · answer #3 · answered by dizzkat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your going through depression, and it's going to take time, that was a life you lost and it's not something you can just forget. But you need to look at it this way to that little girl is in your life and she loves you also, and all children are a blessing and she is a blessing too. You can't shut your heart down or the world out.. You need to talk to your husband and friends and also maybe a counselor,things will get better but you will never forget but, you will have your chance again but until then that little girl is yours as well as her mothers and fathers ,,, she might not be of your blood but shes still there for you to be a mommy to too.
2007-09-19 00:13:19 · answer #4 · answered by angel 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am very sad to read that a miscarriage is a blessing in disguise.
Do you know where blessings come from?
God, and do you really think he would consider taking a baby from you as a blessing?
You are still young, not married and you are really not Even a stepmom, more like a big sister.
Do big sisters get tired of their little sister's and brother's? Yes, its pretty normal.
You have some growing up to do emotionally and spiritually, good luck and God bless.
2007-09-19 00:02:28 · answer #5 · answered by kitty 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's nobody's fault you feel like this. your miscarriage, blessing or not will affect you for the rest of your life. i think you should see a professional, so that you can learn to deal with it in a different way. you could also try telling your man and friends or family how you feel, just talking about your miscarriage may help you get through the hard times like when your step daughter comes around. i think that you have come a long way by even admitting to yourself that this is a problem. i wish you all the best
2007-09-19 00:01:39 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was with you until you said a "mistake that happened". I think you need some counseling so you can deal with the little girl and both of her parents, but mostly so you don't call the miscarriage a mistake...even if you meant an abortion. I've never had to deal with either a miscarriage or an abortion for myself, but plenty of my friends and my sister-in-law have had one or the other.
Please, get help that's better than what we can offer from Y!A. I hope everything works out for your guy, his daughter and you.
2007-09-19 00:20:29 · answer #7 · answered by Dottie R 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, your hormones are still running rampid in your body & they're NOT back to "normal" again. Give youself a chance to recoup & get feeling like yourself again. That wld. be kinda normal to begin with as they are still "screaming back at you at this point in time. Maube even talk to your Dr. about it & he can give you something that w/at least help you w/that & help you over thr hump w/that. Too, it wldd. be "normal" to have some feelings about the other baby. Here is a completely normal child you're sharing w/you & your boyfriend & you don't have one of your" own In time, that too w/pass & you'll be bck to "normal w/tjt t. I'm SURE there's medication for that too. She still loves you the same & of course is unaware of what happened. THIS TOO W/PASS. Try your BEST NOT to take it out on her, she's still happy you are a part of her family & everything is still the same to her as it always was, She's even too young even IF you told her! So, try to be gratefl ou STILL jave her love she freely gives to you. Let her love help you thru your own healing process. PLEASE do go see a Dr. tho & get some kind of a medication for it I KNOW you CAN get jelp for it. Don't suffer needlessly. Take care of YOU rite now, that's the MOST IMORTANT thing. Everything w/get back to normal again, I PROMISE YOU IT WILL. Tale care * things w/be OK eventually. I DO wish you ALL the best...(^_^)
2007-09-19 00:57:12 · answer #8 · answered by Sue C 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You may want to take a Co-parenting Class. This really helps! You can search on the web in your area or contact the Family Court and ask, because they have information for people like you.
Stay strong, you can make it! Because I am making my life.
p.s. I am divorced and lost my children's custody and I only able to see them on their school breaks because they are living in different state far away from me.
2007-09-19 00:01:43 · answer #9 · answered by aries44 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You were depressed,don't take it out on yourself your the 2 year old.You may just need some time to yourself or talk to someone about what happened.
Believe me it's hard to find a good step mom.
(Many blessings)
2007-09-19 00:00:52 · answer #10 · answered by margaret moon 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's never easy loosing a baby, no matter where you are at in your life. You had a life inside you and you start loving that baby instantly w/o recognizing it. And to hold, play, and love someone else's child kinda hurts b/cus you miss the one you thought you were going to have. It's not that you love this two year old any less, you just miss the one you carried. And some part of you may get mad at him, because he is the closest person to you.
2007-09-19 00:00:27 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋