Questions about sons morality and values. I have a 20 yr son and we are having problems with his choices.?

Question

My son is in the Air guard goes to a local junior college, he has struggles with grades and has taken many classes over. Our concerns are his choices with religion and moral choices. He has recently become very vocal insisting he is atheist most of school papers focus around this belief. He seems to be very promiscuous. He also is very anti government he constantly speaks badly about our government. He has started drinking and just recently I learned smoking dope. He doesn't do much to help at home. He eats the food when he is here and uses the "facilities" He also has medical issues of which he has decided he no longer wants to take the medication because it makes him feel bad when he drinks. My husband and I have spoken and we are going to ask him to move out, but we worry that he will quit school and his drinking and choices will just get worse. Help any suggestions?

There is cardiac disease on my husbands side. My husband pasted hyperlipedemia onto each of our children. My husband had 2 heart attacks at age 35 his mother 1 at age 42. The doctors have told my son because of his weight and non exercise he is heading towards one by the age of 25.

Answer 1

Tough Love hurts, but it's the best way, He might just learn something when he gets hungry...............########

Answer 2

I don't think you need to jump to any conclusions about whether or not he's depressed or bipolar -- he sounds like a young, immature man who has demonstrating the age old belief that when someone has a little bit of knowledge they think they also have all the right answers!

Here are my thoughts:

1. I think you could probably look at a time line of his life and pin point when he started making these radical changes and see if it coincides with a significant event in his personal life. He met someone influencial? He experienced something? etc This might help you understand the 'how/why' aspect of his change.

2. Understand that 'atheism' isn't a 'religion' in the strictest definition - it means 'without god' - he doesn't believe in God. That aside, he is immature and is demonstrating that he thinks being an atheist also gives him licence to do whatever he likes and say whatever he likes. He's yet to learn that atheists are also moral people.

3. He is a young adult and I think you're being forced in to a position whereby you will have to respect his choices and let him deal with the consequences. If he no longer wishes to take his medication make sure he's making an informed choice (assuming you have already!).

4. If he is not going to contribute financially to the cost of feeding and housing him, then I would agree it's probably time for him to go and stand on his own two feet.

5. If he decides to quit school, you will no doubt counsel him against such an idea but if he goes, I wouldnt' go on about it to him. He's clearly a person who struggles academically and sometimes the academic aspect of schooling doesn't work with him. If he leaves, he leaves - but don't own the decision HE makes for himself.

Answer 3

I agree its time for tough love. My husband and I had a similar problem with his son. He was doing drugs and not working. He basically thinks the world owes him a living and hes going to sit on the couch and wait for the check to come in. We did not cut off communication with him but it is very little. He only calls if he wants something that we simply do not give him. Over the past few months he has started to get the message but I am afraid he will never change. I guess I am telling you this to let you know that you are not alone and all you can do is what you think is right and pray for a good outcome. I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck.

Answer 4

I think it is difficult when you realize that your child is making decisions in life that you don't agree with. But, it is his life and he is in the drivers seat with his personal beliefs about religion, politics, drinking and everything else. If I were you, I wouldn't focus so much on his religious and political decisions. He is young, and likely to go through many more changes in his views. Trying to force him to think one way or another will only drive a wedge between you and make him respect your opinions less. I think what he is doing at home however, ie. not contributing to the household, is where you should focus your attention. Perhaps talk to him in a calm way with the message being, "You are in your 20's now, and it's time to start behaving like and adult" his option can be to behave like an adult (while still following your rules about drinking and so forth in the house) or he can get his own place. I wouldn't push the medication issue too much either. Bottom line, let him make his own mistakes while letting him know your opinions, but don't force them down his throat.

Answer 5

Been there...done that. Both as a kid and as a parent when my oldest was in her early twenties.

You and dad planted the garden, cultivated the garden, pruned the garden, and laid the path for this son of yours. Your job is done...he'll find his way and come back to his "roots"...or not. It's not up to you anymore.
As far as "asking him to move out", there might be another way. Hear me out.............
Sit down with a contract (not unknown to an Air Guard, I'm sure) and let him know your expectations and requirements to stay in the home. If you and your husband want to include a small bit of "rent" in the contract on his behalf, then so be it. You could always take the "rent" and stick it back in a savings account if it's not needed.
The main thing to remember: he is an adult! However, it's your home and rules do apply. It sounds like a bumpy road ahead for all, but I can assure you that you've laid the foundation and the rest is up to him. The best of blessings to you and yours.

Answer 6

well...I am 22, so not too much older than your son. I made some bad choices in my life, and am still suffering the consequences.

Trust me, there is little that you can do to help your son right now. he has to figure things out on his own. The more that you try to help, the more that he is going to push right back. I know I did.

Besides, men tend to mature at a later phase than women, so it may be a few years yet...if not longer.

I made many mistakes in my life...one of which included having a baby and dropping out of college. I did make amends, but I had to do it on my own time. I had to be willing. I am not completely done with my college education, but I did receive my AA...and I plan on continuing to a 4 year university.....

So, what I said before, and what I am getting at, is that you just have to back off. He fails and hits rock bottom, so be it. He will eventually crawl himself up out of the gutter and start making progress....but only if he wants to. Everything else will be futile.

He is more than old enough to be living out on his own. I was his age (with a toddler, mind you) when I was able to move out. It was an eye opener for me....but I loved it.

I love my parents to no end, but I can't think them enough for my new found independence. You just need to give him a time limit to be out...and STICK WITH IT!!...

Maybe that will make him want to clean up his act, I do not know.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 7

Asking him to leave are only going to make matters worse on his end. OK, he chose to not believe in god, that one is not something your going to be able to control nor fix, the other problems he is having are worse, the drinking, smoking , and the sex is what you can try to fix as of now, there MUST be something bothering him, people don't just start things like this out of no where, talk to him, don't leave it alone either, most likely he has depression, talk to him, get him the help he needs, ask him why he came to do these things, he just sounds like he's desperate for a person to talk to.

Answer 8

As a parent that is emotionally invested in his/her child, my thoughts may seem insensitive but bare with me. It sounds like your son is going above and beyond the normal rebellious modes of thought and behavior typical of 20 year olds that are undergoing, what I like to call, a puberty of the second order. (Occurs when young adults are trying to adjust to an "adult" identity)

Option 1
You can try to stick it out and watch him progressively get worse as he graduates to more serious drugs, intensified rate of alcohol consumption, altercations with law enforcement, depression, and maybe we can throw in some STDs for good measure.

Option 2
You can ask him to move out and let him spiral out of control on his own so that you don't have to witness the self-destruction. Really, what does that solve other than removing guilt and unpleasantness in your own life? On his own, he can network better with bottom-of-the-barrel types like himself and accelerate his own destruction.

Option 3
Pull some FBI tactics on him. If you have the resources, investigate more into his life. How, when, and from what sources is he being most influenced? Who are his friends and colleagues? This could go far in explaining why he drinks so much and where he gets his drugs. You seem to allude to atheism and the education he is receiving as a source of his belief system which isn't so disagreeable in the first place. There are plenty of well-adjusted atheists with anti-government sentiments that are better citizens than the most ardent practicioner of religions. After you identify his sources and stress points, sit him down and confront him about how and why the decisions he is making can be detrimental. Be sure to bring in a trusted third party observer that he is comfortable with because he may have become accustomed to training his thoughts and behaviors in a certain manner around his parents but around someone he respects and/or admires, he will have to adjust his behavior. (possibly an uncle, relative etc..) Open up the lines of communication and talk not only to, but with, him. No manner of subject should be taboo. I often notice American parents make the great mistake of behaving like some version of an ideal parent rather than being someone a child can understand and interact with. Indeed, it's an understandable false consciousness.

Answer 9

Unfortunately by the time a child reaches 20 and 21 they are adults and frankly you have done all you can for them. At this age they will do what they want with or without your permission. Yet with your son this craze of bad behavior sounds like a cry for help. Sit and talk with him, if he is unresponsive suggest a therapist who he could talk his problems out with

Answer 10

I would pay the rent for 3 months or so on an inexpensive apartment and move him out. On his way out, tell him you love him but that it is time he makes his own way. There is a time when you must stand for your beliefs and not let a child poison your household.
Secondly, pray vigorously. Pray for him and for your own peace of mind. Pray thankfully for the gift of a child that many never receive.
Thirdly, clearly tell your son that you have standards he is not meeting as a member of your household. Tell him what those standards are that he is not meeting. And again tell him you love him and will always love him and you are willing to help when you can, but he must make his own way.

Answer 11

You might consider whether he has depression or bipolar. Some of what you describe (promiscuity, attention problems, excessive drinking) can all be symptoms of either. Basically, out-of-control behavior. You might ask him if he'd be willing to be tested to find out if that is what is driving his current choices. Bipolar is not a rare condition, but it is often misdiagnosed or never diagnosed. Please note. Prozac has been known to cause suicide attempts in bipolar patients. Many psychiatrists don't know this.