Mike and I had a party to introduce our bridal party to each other, our best friends, Mike’s sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew. Our parents were also there.
Abby our 4 year-old flower girl was an absolute hellion. Neither parents nor grandparents did a thing to make her behave. She threw several tantrums. She wanted a cupcake for dessert and when her mother said not yet, Abby hit her several times and her mother did nothing! Mike’s dad said that’s not nice, and she hit him! Her behavior is worse each time we see them. Everyone insists that she’ll be an angel for the wedding, that at five she’ll behave much better. But she’s always like this and no one does anything to discipline her.
Because of her horrid behavior, I want Abby out of the wedding. Mike doesn’t want sis dropping out of the wedding and is afraid his family’s feelings will be hurt. I said that mine will be hurt a lot more if she ruins our wedding day.
Am I wrong here? I need some good advice!
2007-09-18 06:04:09 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
No, you are not wrong! If she is a hellion now, she will be a hellion at five ... trust me on this! However, taking her back out of the wedding party is going to require a lot of tact and really should have your fiance on point, so to speak. As gently as possible he simply should tell her that you have discussed it and have decided to not have a flower girl and really think that Abby will have a lot more fun at the wedding as a guest. Period. If he talks this over with sis privately then she should understand and if she doesn't, what can be done? Not much. If sis decides or chooses to become mad about it, hopefully she will cool off in time, if not, oh well.... it is not her wedding, it is yours!
2007-09-18 06:18:26 · answer #1 · answered by naniannie 5 · 7⤊ 0⤋
In some cultures, it's usual and even expected for any nearby adult to correct, or even restrain, a misbehaving child. I sometimes wish I lived in such a culture. Probably the best you can do at family gatherings is suggest that a parents could take Abby into another room until "she's feeling better."
It would probably be impossible to disinclude Abby now that she has been "officially invested with" the title of Flower Girl. However, there is nothing to stop you from including additional attendent(s) who are a bit older and who can be instructed to "make Abby behave." (Eight year olds effective, if often brutal, enforcers where small children are concerned.)
2007-09-18 07:01:15 · answer #2 · answered by kill_yr_television 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Oh, so sorry you're having to deal with this! I don't have a great answer for you except to empathize with your pain. I think you are justified in firing your flower girl -- it's less about her personally than about the fact that you cannot trust her parents or grandparents to keep her in check during the event. That said, I honestly think you're going to fire the opening salvo for WWIII if you decommission Abby as your flower girl. Parents who tolerate tantrums and hitting by their children are so deep in denial that they will almost certainly bent out of shape and hold a permanent grudge when anyone suggests that their child is less than perfect. You and Mike definitely need to have a united front on this, no matter what you choose to do. Some of the other posters have come up with tactful ways to deliver the "you're fired" message. If you go down that road, do it together and don't waffle.
Good luck, and congrats on your wedding.
2007-09-18 07:53:33 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I know exactly where you're coming from, but unfortunately I think you might be stuck with her since you've already asked. I have a cousin who is 4 that I considered asking to be in the wedding, but she is a total hell raiser just like Abby and I didn't trust her to behave herself at the ceremony! So my fiance and I went with our niece on his side, who will 18 mos. old at the wedding and at the most will just cry and have to be carried down the aisle by her mother.
I think that taking Abby out now would just cause unnecessary hassle with her parents and with your fiance. Unless you're really secure in sitting her parents down and explaining that you think she might be a little too young for the pressure (and assuming your husband is with you on it), you might just have to prepare a back-up plan, like suggested above, and hope for the best. I know that a kid having a tantrum is not the way you want to start off your ceremony, but I've been to weddings where that has happened, and I promise you that it won't taint the entire ceremony, nor the entire day. Everyone's focus with still be on you and everyone will forget about her for the time being. If anything, Abby's parents will be most embarrassed. Be sure to lay out the plan with her parents prior to the ceremony, and just say that in the event Abby decides she doesn't want to walk down the aisle or throws a fit, this is the room where her parents can take her during the ceremony. Don't leave it open for discussion. You have to have a contingency plan for any kid, and especially for one that has a less-than-stellar track record! Good luck.
2007-09-18 06:26:04 · answer #4 · answered by Sarah 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You are correct here. This is your wedding and if you want Abby out of the wedding, then she must be out of the wedding! You don't need a flower girl, nor the stress that this ill-behaved child will magically be well behaved for your wedding. If anyone's feelings or hurt or they drop out of the wedding, that's THEIR problem. Any reasonable person could see why you don't think Abby is up to the job.
Mike needs to be a united front with you about this. If he insists on putting his family's feelings that they MIGHT be hurt above yours that you WILL be hurt, then he needs to rethink his loyalties, and you need to rethink whether he's husband material.
P.S. I love Chel's response. It's the epitomy of diplomacy for kicking the girl out of the wedding--couching it in terms that it's in her best interest to not be overstimulated, etc. I think Mike should deliver the news, however, but if he doesn't, you should.
I don't care for Terri's response at all. It's completely inappropriate to go up to a child and call her a bad kid!!! Her BEHAVIORS are bad, and she hasn't been taught any better b/c the mother is over-permissive. Let's remove the child from the wedding party, but speak to the mother and be very diplomatic.
2007-09-18 06:14:29 · answer #5 · answered by Ms. X 6 · 5⤊ 0⤋
A monstrous flower girl isn't going to ruin your wedding day, she's going to give people a crazy story to tell when they're describing it. Lots of things happen on wedding days, that's what makes each one unique and interesting.
Bottom line is, it doesn't reflect on YOU if a 4-year-old misbehaves. If anything it says that you and your husband are gracious and kind even toward people who don't deserve it.
What I would do, however, is come up with a solid backup plan in case she throws a colossal tantrum before the ceremony. Maybe the first bridesmaid can litter the aisle with flower petals, or Grandma would like the honor.. . . or you can decide you'll be okay without a flower girl's function.
Might also sit down with her sometime when she's calm and not in a high-pressure public situation (maybe just before the rehearsal, the two of you can take aside) and explain how nice everything is expected to go. Tell her that if she can't handle it, she doesn't have to go through with it. . . . maybe if she feels like she's already "in control" of the situation, she won't have to act out in order to gain control.
Don't make this the center of your attention -- no one else is going to focus on that little girl. Your wedding day is all about you and your husband.
2007-09-18 06:34:13 · answer #6 · answered by . 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your future husband should say something to his sister about how he noticed Abby's behavior at the party and want to make sure that she can behave at the wedding. How you proceed depends on their reaction. If they are offended then you have a problem. If they are understanding then I think everything will be okay. Let him deal with it. You don't want to make waves with future in-laws before you are even married. This is why we didn't have kids in our wedding. They always misbehave or get nervous and distract from the bride right before she walks down the aisle.
2007-09-18 13:03:06 · answer #7 · answered by Luv2Answer 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are not wrong to feel this way, but it is very unfortunate that you have already asked her to be in the wedding.
I would have my fiance tell her mother that you guys were really surprised by Abby's behavior at the party. And by the way everyone seemed to accept it as okay. Have him tell her that you were really wanting to have her as a flowergirl, but want a formal, elegant, day also. If she can't or won't make her behave better than that, she just won't work as flowergirl.
2007-09-18 13:55:21 · answer #8 · answered by valschmal 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Kids that act like that dont get better just cuz they age, they get better only after the parents change the behavior which sounds like its not gonna happen. I would take her out of the wedding and not stress another min about it. Just let them down easy, just simply say you dont feel she is ready for this type of responsibility and that if you see her behavior improve then you may reconsider putting her back in. Let them know that its not that you dont love her its just too much pressure to put on this little angel (you say this but good lord you know you dont mean it). You would rather see her having a good time in the audience then getting scared and having a terrible time at the wedding. Sugar coat all of it and if they get crappy and offended after you say it nicely then let them have it! Tell them exactly how you feel about her and that you wont have her behavior ruin your special day, plain and simple, its YOUR day, she will have one too.
Kids sometimes are naughty, i have 2 myself - ages 11 and 9 - and they have NEVER hit me or swore at me or hurt me in any way because they know i wouldnt have tolerated it. I show them love but i also let them know what is acceptable and what is not.
2007-09-18 06:33:11 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you're wrong at all. You should take her out of the wedding because that day is not about his family or about Abby - it's about you and your husband. If his sister is immature enough to drop out of the wedding because she raised a spoiled brat, then let her go and find someone else. Believe me, she will NOT be an angel on the wedding day.
2007-09-18 08:07:50 · answer #10 · answered by abrennan01 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋