Why is it so difficult for people to forgive and reconcile?

Question

A friend of mind recently had a bitter experience with a very close friend of many years. I suggested that they try and come together and seek reconciliation. My friend said, "I am tired of always having to be the one to apologize. I don't want to have a meeting."
I am trying to have an open mind. Why is it so difficult for people to seek forgiveness and reconciliation? Why do we give up on each other? Should there be a limit to how often we forgive?

Your comment welcome.

Answer 1

I myself have had a hard time to forgive certain people. But now...with the help of Christ...I've been able to let a lot of things go. So many things that we get caught up on in our lives may not be as important as we are making them out to be. A lot of times we just have a tendency to blow things up or at least blow them out of proportion. Because the devil feeds us with some random thought and we may be vulnerable at the time and just roll with it.
That's where the chaos starts. Of course we are human and all have emotions...but in even the most vulnerable of times God provides us with a way out by casting all of our cares on Him because he cares for us. (And even I myself am learning to do these things more often) That's what the word instructs us to do. If you do not take it to God...you can allow that emotion to be buried up inside of you...and walk around with this resentment for a very long time. Unforgiveness is a root that can destroy a person because if you don't forgive your own brethren, then God himself won't forgive you. And if God himself won't forgive you, then you'll be separated from God...thereby just growing in your sin. Who wants that? Then you'll be falling away before you even realize it. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness. The word says in Hebrews 12 :" 15 Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled."

The root of bitterness defiles many. Unforgiveness opens the door to so much uneccessary bitterness and resentment. I know that its hard to forgive some people sometimes. Because a lot of people don't care what they do to you. So in defense, they say "well I don't care either". And that puts up a brick wall hindering a person from being able to operate effectively in love. The bible says that "20 If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
21 And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also."

That's why God takes forgiveness so seriously. Because in forgiveness there is love. That's our second greatest commandment. To love our neighbors as we love ourselves.That's the reason He himself has forgiven us. So if we are to be his children and walk in his light. How can we hold grudges against people and not forgive? You can't properly love someone and not forgive. With Jesus' dying breath...his last request was...."Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."
So just pray that the Lord increases your friends understanding about that..and if they are willing to receive it they will. I know what it's like to not forgive someone. It's hard sometimes.....because all you want is for that person to see that they were wrong mostly..And the reason it's so hard...is because people are hurt. But we shouldn't harbor our hurt and hold on to it. We should give it over to God because he is the one who can bear our sorrows and our griefs....(Isaiah 53:4)
That's what he came to do. And if he can do it...then we should let him. (Like I said...I'm also learning to do these things myself) But Jesus came to take that all away.
And try to speak to your friend and tell them what the bible says about being good.
Firstly, it's humble to approach a person and apologize for what they did. Because it takes humility to apologize in any instance. Even when we repent to God.
They may be teaching their other friend something also and may not even know it.
But the bible says..."Never tire of doing good." (Gal. 6:9)
So I know that your friend may be tired of always being the first to approach, but they cherish that friendship...then they should put their differences aside and show the love to each other that God intended for them to show.
Even if only one is willing and the other isn't?
Then (as I am learning this also) They should fret not because of evildoers. (Psalms 37) But continue to live a blameless life before the Lord. Because the will be held accountable for the unforgiveness they choose to harbor. But I believe God will work it out for them. And I will pray for your friends.
God bless!

Answer 2

1) When God forgives us, it means He doesn't have to hold a grudge against us. So it is for us. We can stop holding a grudge against whomever our problem is with. We are saying by forgiving, " I no longer count this thing against you, I will remember it no more."

2) People do not recognize this. They think that the one who is forgiving is doing it for the other person, and so they feel troubled by it. But if the offense is against the person doing the forgiving, it is actually for the person who is doing the forgiving. The one who is forgiven does not have to accept it, and may even throw it back in the face of the person seeking to make things good against the two parties.

"Why is it so difficult for people to seek forgiveness and reconciliation?"
From what I can tell, people either do not recognize the implications of the peace between the two, while others rather not face up to the problem they've created.

There are so many tie - in's with the Gospel message here. The Gospel message is: God has sent out the message of forgiveness, but some people would rather hold to the grudge, and therefore set themselves up for wrath. God gave us the ability to be forgiven, but many reject it, they do not want to recognize the fact that they've done wrong.

Answer 3

Pride gets in the way of doing that everytime!! That is the main reason for people who hold grudges!! Sad but true!! Your friend should just turn the other cheek, and forgive regardless of how many times they've gotten into spats. That makes him the bigger person in doing so!! If your friend forgives, he will be forgiven too!!

Answer 4

I've had similar experiences. Give it time. Maybe they will reconcile on there own. Keep an open mind but now stay out of it if you value these friends. They have to work it out. You can't do it for them. Sometimes forgiveness takes an eternity.

Answer 5

It could be pride. Plus maybe the friend feel like you never say your sorry. So maybe it's not about them limiting their forgiveness but feeling like you are the one who never apologizes. Maybe you could just call and say I'm sorry. If your friend won't accept a call then send a card.

Answer 6

The healing of damaged emotions is usually necessary for reconciliation.

Answer 7

Sin can cause us to become stubborn and prideful at times. Take note of Pr. 6:1-5. We should all be humble.

Answer 8

Think how much Jesus forgives us.

20For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

21Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

22Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

23Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants.

24And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents.

25But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.

26The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.

27Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt.

28But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest.

29And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.

30And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt.

31So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done.

32Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me:

33Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?

34And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.

35So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

Answer 9

Ego is the culprit.

Unconditional love can dissolve it.